emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Sunday, January 31, 2010

disclaimer: this is merely feverish venting and not to be taken as evidence of emotional instability

it appears to me that the first step toward gainful employment is to learn how to be fake. if i was an employer, and someone came into an interview with me prepared with perfect, succinct, canned answers to every anticipated question, and not a trace of personality or passion or thoughtfulness, i would be suspicious. i would wonder what type of a human being lived in all the empty space between those rehearsed responses. a gossip? someone who does the bare minimum, who doesn't think outside the box? someone who would be lazy / creative / whiny / eager / quick / inept / unreliable as an employee? or, if we stretch to imagine it is relevant, in their personal life? i would want to hire someone who is a good friend. someone who is fully engaged and motivated to ever improve themselves both personally and professionally. someone who is humble and teachable, but who is brave enough to speak when they have something legitimate to add to a conversation. someone with a quick mind, who has already identified her natural strengths and hones them while simultaneously pursuing opportunities to learn new skills. I would want to hire a life-long learner. someone satisfied in the moment with making the best possible contribution, but who never becomes complacent.

unfortunately, i am not an employer. and i get feedback about taking a more "formalized approach to interviewing" from people I thought I was just having a conversation with, and i know that is correct advice. if i am going to ever convince someone to hire me, i have to get better at those canned answers to anticipated standard interview questions. it is just an oral exam that does not adequately test your true knowledge. but it kills me that i can't just be myself. i do not want to learn how to be a perfect little robot interviewer. i want to be a full representation of a person. especially in situations where i know that the person i am would be great at the job in question. i want to be able to show up for a meeting with a person, as a person, and to figure out if i'm the best candidate for the job by way of questions with answers that matter, and an honest and fair evaluation of who i really am.

i just don't understand why seeming like a real person is a drawback. and today it all feels really unfair.

posted by renee 11:09 AM

Monday, January 18, 2010

it is time to begin this discipline again
i have started to sense a certain amount of losing myself
in the absence of chronicling the little thoughts for which this digital journal has been my canvas

my growing unfamiliarity with myself is a combination of things, i think
as my poor exhausted brain has finally grown out of most of its crazy spinning
i am no longer gripped by the "analysis paralysis" that caused so much trouble and stress in my adolescence
but i am still not used to floating through life without prodding out the significance of every little moment
and when things happen that should be significant in continuing to inform my paradigm
i am suspicious that i am missing them
it leaves me feeling generally somewhat clouded
i also wonder if fundamental things have changed in me and gone unnoticed
if my lack of analysis is something beyond maturity
if it is more like complacency or defeat

or it might be less esoteric
it might be more about the tension between my interests
i have found music to be more compelling as a part of my life than i ever would have predicted
it is my favorite passtime, my deepest connection to myself and often to others, and many days, it is my saving grace
in the past year, even the past 3 months, i have had opportunities start to present themselves that i find thrilling

i want this life.

i want to know the most amazing, creative people in this world
i want to collaborate with people that take seriously my art and their own and the process of melding two expressions of soul
this seems to be happening. and what could happen if i accepted this as my life?
and what could happen if stupid stupid money overrode the possibility of fully engaging in musical opportunities?

am i brave enough to choose it

when it happens, the tap opens
to my well of creativity
the depth is terrifying
and the discipline required to fully open the floodgates
the sacrifices required

there are songs in there i want to get out

i hope i am willing to do this

i am sure that it is worth it

posted by renee 3:50 PM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!