i know SO MUCH information that is very useful in these four walls, and helps me to be very good at what i've done for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for the last two and a half years, and now it is all becoming obsolete in one moment.
all the phone numbers the contact people at giant management companies the codes 09=eric, 13=kelly, 0260=brooklyn park, 55130 is a zip code that is not on the map in central saint paul, zone 1 is far west hennepin county, 1688=my direct line, 1626 is the reinspection request line, r962rk1 is my rev recap login, 1654 is sue in the office, 5267 is sue in the field, RLIP is an annual first attempt, FINL only occurs after a NOACCESS, IMIN=RMIN for all practical purposes, ____________ is replaced with the 15th of the month before the lease date for RLIP fail letters.....
my poor baby civic got smashed in this morning by my neighbor now have the deductible for my insurance to come up with and $20 a day for a rental car which is apparently not covered in my policy
i'm frustrated, but surprisingly calm
i want to start school now. i'm ready.
posted by renee 12:50 PM
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
my blog is nearing its five year anniversary and i'm wondering a little bit about why i write here. i was talking to a friend on sunday evening about the fact that the writing i am most proud of, where there are the most patient renderings of important emotions and observations, are in my secret journals on paper. i think when the subject is so very personal, it is easier somehow to discover just the words you need and just the order in which to put them. this blog is just for practicing for my real writing. i don't edit this - spelling errors hang on years later, scientifically inaccurate analogies remain as evidence of who i once was. yet there are still things i don't write here at all, or rather, i write around them in order to deflect debate or criticizm. but despite the lack of pure honesty and my inability to do my best work in public (yet?) i am drawn back repeatedly, day after day, month after month, to the glowing screen and clackityclackityclackity to say something or nothing.
just today, i was thinking about how difficult it is to be an adult for anyone with an artist's spirit. the day to day struggles of survival in this complex world tend to deaden the wonder with which i am naturally inclined to live. i remembered being a child, and what life is like when wonder is encouraged and when someone else is worrying about the details of what to eat and where to go and icky icky money questions. i find myself jealous of the part of my life that is now mostly over. my orientation for my grad program was yesterday. it made me want to drive out to the country and run headlong through fields until i collapse in a heap to catch my breath. the fact that no one around me appeared to have the same urge was disappointing. much lies beneith the surface, however, and there may be a kindred spirit lurking in the shadows. meanwhile, i will just hold tightly to this, my little attempt to reach out from that spirit into the wide space of somewhere. it is an optimistic endeavor - were i to give up hope completely, i would stop writing. so this blog is therefore a tribute to the many moments of reassurance that it is okay to demand something greater from life than merely some icky icky money. to demand wonder, even.
on a related note: upon looking back at undergraduate posts, the disctinct hope rose in me that graduate school will not find me awake at 4:00 in the morning nearly so often. perhaps i have learned a bit of discipline?
posted by renee 9:54 AM
Sunday, August 26, 2007
events, not in chronological order
bicycling through the cities sun on my shoulders muscles pumping wind at my back brought my feet closer to the ground even as they were pedaling round and round in the air instead
looking at that smashed bridge pieces of twisted metal neatly lined up on the shore 200 yards downriver the place where the road now points almost straight up stopping in midair leading to nothing now feels a little bit more like something to me
talking to lisa makes me looser, brighter i wish she was in my everyday, but maybe 2009.... maybe
and my abigail, she is in love bracing for distance i wish i didn't always end up leaving her alone in new york
and my t, he is in trouble pretending he isn't i wish i didn't care more than i'm asked to however, this has proved impossible
indian food consumed with this person who sits down each day to create something beautiful and a checklist in my mind, item by item yes, yes, no, yes, no, no, no, yes, no, yes
maybe
an urban rhythm beat out on a wooden box at a cabaret full of all energy and hope brings dancers to their feet arms swinging wildly telling stories with their bodies eliticing reactions gasps of awe at the twirling anti-gravity feats laughter at unexpected changes of direction quiet when the beat shifts to half time slow motion somehow this bodyspeak we all understand helps everyone to see a glimmer of something better, purer, sweeter, closer right over the horizon take it and run, baby, take it and run to the finishline
and then it is 3:00 am.
so, the world goes right on spinning, as it is in the habit of doing, and i go right along with it
posted by renee 12:11 PM
Monday, August 20, 2007
ON BEAUTY:
1.) i asked rachel and rebecca devries if they had any idea why there are so many ugly things: people spend tens of thousands of dollars to build really ugly houses. out of all the proposed designs for a new shirt, one is chosen. a manufacturer agrees to make the shirts. a wholesaler agrees to distribute them. a retailer agrees to sell them. and you go to the store to look and the shirts are UGLY! rebecca said that the reason is because people DON'T KNOW that the shirt is ugly. that makes me sad.
2.) art becomes poplular because it is beautiful, not because it is important. people who put posters and postcards of art up in their houses want it to be something nice to look at more than they want it to matter. that's okay.
posted by renee 9:43 AM
Sunday, August 19, 2007
there are a lot of things happening or almost happening
i do not know yet how any of them will turn out which is disconcerting and leads me to a heck of a lot of doing mostly nothing about it
but my roommates got me a gift certificate to a dance studio
so i might go soon to shake it twist it step it sway it off to a salsa beat
in the meantime, making samosas and spanakopita and ravioli from scratch for the freezer
and bartering bread baking skills for ceramic lid making skills
roll out of bed and stumble to the shower wash rinse repeat conditioner massaged in deeply to my scalp sing along with the radio and exfoliate run a razor over one leg two legs armpits turn off the water carefully wring out wet hair towel off moisturize mousse applied evenly curls scrunched diffuser keeps frizz at bay bangs arranged over a side part deodorize antiperspirize spritz signature scent behind wrists and ears three shades of shadow: light for browline, medium for lids, darkest in the crease outline eyes in black lips in red fill in with a stain and a gloss coat lashes twice: once for length, once for color and fullness dress
off to work
first client of the day hasn’t had a haircut in seven months every end of every hair splits splotchy skin somehow manages to be both dry and oily features unaided fail to impress i detect the faint smell of human sweat
i could do so much with her given the chance all it would take is a small selection of products and a little effort but i bite my tongue take off a little length add some layers around her face ask polite questions about birthplace and occupation hopefully earning a tip
sigh as she leaves what a waste of a face
posted by renee 6:05 PM
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Lesson from Book 6:
Sometimes Harry, too, keeps his mouth shut over too many things to say and starts to feel like his vocal chords are atrophying.
AND: it is good to have a book you want to keep reading with you if your flight is going to be delayed 3 hours, especially if two of those hours are spent on the plane sitting in the runway.
If there is a guy in a car behind you honking and pointing wildly over the top of his car, he is not mad at you, he is trying to tell you that your book is on the roof of your own car, you idiot!
AND: "Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad memories and allow themselves to be provoked this easily - weak people, in other words - they stand no chance against his powers! He will penetrate your mind with absurd ease, Potter!"
whoa.... not your average children's book philosophy, eh?
Best Birthday Present So Far - - - the intern at work is a year ahead in my program and already has 3 of the most expensive required books that she's going to let me borrow! Whoopie!
umm.... i've started to use capital letters, apparently. that can't be because i'm 24 now, and therefore not hip enough to be all lowercase?! uh oh....
posted by renee 8:36 AM
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
on another note:
I HATE IT WHEN SKINNY PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING FAT. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT.
who knew that stupid senior project would give me such a complex, but for crying out loud! if nothing else i am SO READY to not work in this office full of fricking body dysmorphics. it is troubling to so often have the urge to correct the behavior of women twice my age.
posted by renee 10:29 AM
Another Lesson from Book 4:
If you are a slave of an evil genius, you will likely have to do bodily harm to yourself to prove your loyalty. It will be worth it, at least for now.....
Lesson from Book 5:
It is not really all that fun to be in charge of things. Plus: it is dangerous to care about what people think of you. It can make you choke in a sporting event or speak out of turn in class, earning you punishments, not to mention the constant mood shifts when people inevitably change their minds about you. Lastly: strength of will is easily mistaken for strength of character in difficult situations, but the two are not the same.
posted by renee 9:04 AM
Thursday, August 02, 2007
i can't imagine having someone i couldn't get ahold of right now.
if you break the rules, you will get caught eventually, and you will probably get in trouble, but it will be worth it because you have so much more fun. also: when you think more highly of yourself than you ought, anything good you may have had to offer will not be taken seriously.
Lesson from Book #3
just because the cat is suspicious doesn't mean he is a bad guy. or does it....... ontological questions become much more complex when you begin to involve things like memory hexes and time travel. i am glad that, as far as i'm aware, neither exists.
Lesson from Book #4 (part 1)
if you are fat, lazy, stupid, and mean, even your mother might eventually stop liking you as much. it is better to only pick 3 of the 4.
posted by renee 4:00 PM
