UNRELATIONSHIPS my cat is dead. i thought i didn't care, but even in light of every other wild thought in my head, i had a disturbing dream about her last night. she made me happy for a long time. i feel a little guilty for leaving her. she stopped being excited when i came home after awhile. maybe she wasn't ever excited. it's hard to tell with cats. either way, she is no more.
the horrible wounds on my hand are slowly healing.
the wounds on my insides take longer and sometimes require putting myself in situations that rip them back open if they are ever to completely go away. however, it is nice to feel like i have many people i can consult about such things.
neosporin is supposed to keep my hand from scarring. metaphoric equivalent?
christian huebner is the only person to ever refer to himself as my chum. and he's probably the only chum i've ever had. i wonder where he is.
today i shall: be disenchanted, listen to fiona apple loud, play music, lust after fancy keyboards and be disenchanted some more. really not much is real.
sometimes i think falling in love is the ultimate idolatry... pretty much no matter how you do it.
posted by renee 9:21 AM
Saturday, January 29, 2005
i haven't read a hundred pages in one sitting in a long time. i hope i get to do it again soon.
i haven't talked happily on the phone for an hour and a half straight for awhile. i highly recommend it.
i decided today that my competitiveness is almost wholly responsible for my inability to achieve mediocrity. instead i live on extremes, subject to the desire to win. both my successes and many of my failures can be attributed to that quality. isn't it true that your greatest strength is often closely related to your greatest weakness?
i haven't gotten a good night's sleep in awhile. getting to it presently...
posted by renee 1:01 AM
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
today a seeps into my minnesota life via neko case riding the air waves and a yellow sweater with sparkles warming my shoulders.
we brought this lovely pink easy chair into the office last summer in order to make it more cozy and inviting. but this winter, everyone comes in the door and dumps their backpacks and coats on it, so no one ever sits there.
so what if our bodies really are completely separate and hostile entities to our souls?
sometimes i realize that i believe that. sometimes i think it sounds crazy. sometimes i think people who talk about how crazy it is are crazy. crazy, huh?
"move your feet" by junior senior
"duffin around" by jack mcduff
"marvelous things" by eisley
i could spend a hundred anti-social hours in this basement soaking up the tunage...
blah blah blah
on substance abuse: drugs are weird. they don't bother me in the movies, just in real life. also, you should get to a point in your life when you don't need to get drunk anymore. if you're reasonable, anyway. 45 is certainly beyond that point. hrumph.
finding neverland tonight? it's snowy. i want to go sledding or at least make a snow angel. my brain is going a million miles an hour as usual, and i can hardly keep up with myself. i love this song.
yesterday my boss asked if campus crusade for christ was a conservative group because an applicant is a leader in the organization. he was worried that if he hired this person, group dynamics would be strained... plus he's a socialist, and conservatives make him uncomfortable. beyond being illegal, this is very stupid.
also, someone i know, when i wished him a happy martin luther king day on monday said "what? that socialist adulterer?" wow. that effectively discredits everything the man ever did for our country, now doesn't it?
christians who think all liberals are morally decrepit, shut up.
liberals who think all christians are judgmental prudes, shut up.
my friend matt the other day expressed his disapproval of a mutual aquaintence of ours with the excuse that "there's got to be a certain ratio of thinking to talking." virtually every thought that goes through her head comes out her mouth. and some people don't talk too much, they just think too little.
posted by renee 9:50 AM
my reflection in the attic window is spooky tonight. the window is covered with plastic to seal in the heat, and it moves a little with the air in the room. my reflection is solid on the glass, but moves back and forth on the plastic. it looks like a ghost. i'm haunting myself...
i wish i could think of a more romantic way to explain it, because it really is sort of spooky, but school has taken more out of me in a single day than i can recover in the two hours i've been home now.
i have to wake up in five and a half hours. i am not looking forward to it.
posted by renee 1:32 AM
Sunday, January 16, 2005
i love pbs. i put too much stuff in the washing machine this morning and now it is full of soapy water and refuses to drain. the life aquatic is a wonderful film. i took a risk on the painting i'm working on, and it paid off. i wish my cello was here so i could practice. instead all i have is a guitar with brand new strings, looming in the corner, daring me to try again and fail, or at least bleed. i miss adam wallingford. the movies tell us so many times that there is a person out there somewhere that could fill our emptiness and bring meaning into our existance and we've heard it so much that we believe it without intending to. that's why, when you meet someone who seems to have what it takes to cure your lonliness you get so excited. but no mere mortal will ever be enough to fill that.
if i know that for sure, why is it so hard to get through my head? maybe it's because it come so close to working sometimes that it's intoxicating.
posted by renee 3:01 PM
Thursday, January 13, 2005
hello. my name is renee and i suffer from emotional seizures on occasion. don't be concerned. just somebody grab ahold of my head so i don't bang it into anything and permanently injure myself. otherwise, don't worry. i just need to violently shake for awhile. it will all be over soon.
posted by renee 1:48 AM
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
i have a new plan for this semester. i'm going to buy three or four more alarm clocks and space them out starting at my desk, going out the door and down the stairs and the last one will be right by my new coffee-pot-with-timer. i will set them to go off in order so that by the time i have to turn the last one off, i'm already nearer to my caffine fix than i am to my bed.
if this doesn't work, i'll probably just sleep for the rest of my life.
posted by renee 1:57 PM
Monday, January 10, 2005
i may as well get a big red flag and stand in the middle of a busy sidewalk waving it, jumping up and down, yelling "pay attention to ME! pay attention to ME!!!"
posted by renee 1:40 PM
What I heard about why you should trust ABC for your news:
When everything is changing around us, Peter Jennings is a constant.
When the world doesn't make sense, He does.
On the other hand, maybe that's just another reason you should quit listening to clear channel radio stations (see December 20 for more, if you forgot).
posted by renee 1:19 AM
Friday, January 07, 2005
i hate the feeling when my fingernails are really sharp, my skin is really dry, and it's cold outside so any skin exposed to air is numb enough that i wouldn't notice if i had scratched myself and started to bleed.
walter mathou is odd in a funny sort of way. our vcr sucks. my cat is still fat.
posted by renee 6:09 PM
i like:
abby and lisa
c-span
my cat who's so fat, when her head turns, there are rolls on her neck
moments when i'm in the kitchen with the light off, sadly watching micah wipe the snow off his car when we've already said goodbye and trying to restrain myself from putting on boots and running out for another hug... and failing.
my new coffee pot with a timer which will now wake me with pleasant scents
my mom
christmas trees
no class on mondays ever again
iron & wine
posted by renee 1:06 AM
Monday, January 03, 2005
sometimes i feel like i'm five years old. sometimes i feel like running away. sometimes i feel like i keep myself too safe and i might crumble instantly if exposed to the elements. we're all posers afterall. sometimes i want to be a mom. other times i want to be an rock star wallowing in self-induced, glamourous misery. stroke my ego, please.
yesterday i shamelessly bought a fiona apple cd. i like it.
a thought:
music can make us feel tangibly different somehow. in the right situation, it is easy to lose yourself in a melody. but losing yourself in a melody or feeling the song pulling you away from your normal sensory existance into something more profound is not the same as worship. it's easy to mistake if you're not careful. to connect with our creator in the way that worship facilitates is another experience altogether from just feeling the beat of a contemporary christian trap set start to get to you. don't settle for catchy rhymes. there is more to life than this. music is powerful. worship is moreso. but only if it means something to you and you're vulnerable.
unfortunatly that is very rare, indeed. i think sometimes that other music makes me feel more deeply than that whose intended purpose is to elicit emotion. maybe it's its very purposefulness that makes it ineffective. i'm not sure. i miss my minnesota church. coming home on wednesday. (leaving home on wednesday?)
also, happy birthday to my mom. :)
posted by renee 4:57 PM
Saturday, January 01, 2005
oh. and happy new year.
that, according to most, is appropriately an afterthought. i actually happen to think it's a big deal.
posted by renee 11:16 AM
i get mad at legalists. people who are stuck in a certain way of life because they've never known anything or anyone different. they pick a set of rules and make that the point, losing sight of the bigger picture and the wonderfull differences in people. but really, i live my life by a set of rules too, one of which is "don't make rules the point." that can end up turning into "don't be so stuffy and conservative." and my distain for them is equally as self-righteous, if not more, than theirs is for me.
posted by renee 11:09 AM
