emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

to be young is inevitably to idolize one's youngness.
we do not understand the frailty of our bodies or that they are already decaying
we have not yet been faced with many (or any) hopes for our futures that will never be fulfilled or were met for a short time and then revoked for good
and no matter what disappointment or hurt we have encountered
we are not yet defeated

and, i might argue, we have no idea what it really means to depend on God

posted by renee 4:45 PM

Monday, January 30, 2006

this weekend i
had roommate reunions
was overwhelmed by too many women in one room
...new rule: three women are my limit when there are no men present.
examined orchids early in the morning at a conservatory
...they are the most diverse plant on earth
...some of them look like slippers
...some of them look like plastic
...some of them are too small to see without a microscope!
observed a very well done haircut. it is a mysterious art...
went shopping and bought
...a flask with a name engraved on it
...tall black boots ($105 off!)
...patterned tights
and tried on
...one of the most beautiful dresses i have ever worn ($125.... back on the rack)
attended two birthday parties in the same night
...and ordered a tiny bottle of spumante. in the menu it said "asti." it was really from california.
went to church
covered a christmas tree with plastic bags and stuffed it in a van
...it looked like a corpse... kind of...
went to yoga
went shopping and bought
rented six movies, none of which i'd ever heard of before
talked to l
watched one of the movies

oh, and don't worry yiling. i fed a happy hoppy bunny twice and watered plants....

posted by renee 9:03 AM

Thursday, January 26, 2006


that's the whole alphabet.
i'm going to go do my budget and read and drink tea at panera
even though i'm "the most immobile person in the twin cities"
shut up.
who needs a car?

posted by renee 8:00 PM

i just made a long list of things i am excited about. you should make one, too. i noticed that as i went, i started adding more and more exclamation points...

pottery classes
oil painting
cooking (risotto! asian food! curry! soup!)
baking (bread! desserts! pizza!)
language classes
creative writing: lyrics? a book?
working out: lifting and running?
herb garden
regular garden (rachel!)
fresh flowers
credit union!
graduate school
reading - cookie and tea : )
big raise at work!
my band!
tennis? table tennis?
buying a house?!
ipod! - music!!!!! dancing!! dance class?
budget! : )
italy - new york - the world?

i better get moving....

posted by renee 12:54 PM

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

for some reason, today i find myself musically in a decade old moby album.


your eyes are so vacant
and your face so lovely
i think i know how it would sink in a man's stomach
to want you: to need you
but because i am a woman
i can see the depth of you more easily
and how you're never going to come out
and how the occasional smile
bright with sincerity
and tempting hope to stay a little longer
will always fade again
because you'd rather be lost

it's prettier to you

and, if they were honest,
to those forlorn lovers, too

and so it goes.

posted by renee 8:39 AM

Monday, January 23, 2006

i like that sculpture at mia that depicts a boy feeding water to a big bird of prey.
i like that, even though i'm now an infrequent customer, my barista still gives me free coffee.
i like published errors and tack them up to my wall: "thanks for your patients," "buy laws."
i like frying 40(!) egg rolls and cream cheese wontons with joa and freezing them for later.
i like going to fancy grocery stores.
i like (LOVE) my new ipod... 30 gigs... black... in its knitted sock...


oh! won't you?
when we're working in the kitchen
come up behind me
and put your arms around my waist
and run your lips across the back of my neck
and stop
with a kiss
under my ear
right where my jaw begins

posted by renee 8:55 AM

Friday, January 20, 2006

you didn't pay any attention
when my knees were buckling
and sweat was dripping in my eyes
and i felt the devil

so why should you pay any now?

posted by renee 11:35 AM

Thursday, January 19, 2006

last night i lay in bed for an hour wishing that the volume of the television and conversation from our livingroom occupants was lower. not wanting to be a bad hostess, i tried a pillow over my head. i tried headphones. i tried muttering. i tried thrashing around in my bed a little so they'd realize i was still awake. then, i decided to suck it up and ask them to be a little quieter. and they said "sure. sorry about that."

and then i fell promptly to sleep.

AND! i simply cannot begin to tell you how incredibly good this nectarine is!

posted by renee 2:25 PM

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

do this:

1. go to the grocery store and get a lemon (or 2!), a 12 oz carton of heavy cream, some imported parmesan (such as bel gioso) and 2 pkgs of fettuccini

2. come home and get a big pot of water boiling on the stove. in the meantime, run the lemon rind over a fine grater until you've accumulated about 2 T of zest in a small bowl. then cut the lemon in half and sqeeze out all the juice (no seeds, please).

3. put 1 1/2 pkg of fettuccini (about 1 lb) in the now boiling water with a little olive oil. while that is cooking, grate 1 c of the parmesan, also very finely.

4. melt 1/4 c of unsalted butter in a small saucepan. when melted, add 1 c of cream (or a little more) and lemon zest/juice. stir sauce and pasta occasionally until pasta is done (al dente) and sauce is well mixed and warmed through.

5. drain water off cooked fettuccini. add sauce and toss. add grated parmesan and toss.


serving suggestion: try with sauteed asparagus OR salad/rosemary potatoes/evil evil texas toast or homemade garlic bread.

posted by renee 8:17 AM

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

the cursor is blinking at me.


QUESTION: what do you want? i mean really, what is it that you just WANT?

also: my roommate's brother is staying with us for a week and a half. he's fun. he should stay. since he's been around, there's been much more talking than usual. i love it. plus, there's been more LISTENING, which is nice. (on everyone's part). there's just something about the presence of a 30 year old balding artist woodsman that brings out the best in people. PLUS: he drinks highly caffeinated south american tea out of a buffalo horn....

posted by renee 10:47 AM

Friday, January 13, 2006

i wrote a song yesterday. i like it, but i can't post it. the melodies for everything i've written in the last couple of months are very pop-y (poppy? poppie?)

man, sigur ros is good.
touches my soul.
and today, i wore my rockstar jeans to work.

in my teens, i responded to my hormonal angst by acting and acting like an actor.
in college, i responded to my hormonal angst by getting myself in sticky romantic situations and then painfully extricating myself from them.
now i respond to my angst (is it still hormonal?) by simply saying "I HATE EVERYTHING" under my breath every once in awhile.
but yesterday, after a very satisfying workout and an enjoyable evening and the realization that i'm doing better in a lot of areas of my life, i said "I LOVE EVERYTHING" out loud to myself.

that is great.

posted by renee 8:38 AM

Thursday, January 12, 2006

i can imagine homeownership being a very satisfying part of my not incredibly distant future. however, graduate school and homeownership don't necessarily go together very well.

and: i heart npr. it would be super crazy to be nominated to be a supreme court justice and be interrogated by really smart people from all over the country. especially when you're filling the spot of someone that most people really liked.

and: of all titles not to have gender distinction, "saint" is a suprising one.

posted by renee 9:51 AM

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

abby's advice on the process of deciding what i want to be when i grow up is to try to think about what i do naturally.... i did not have an answer when she last asked me, but here's the list i've come up with since:

take leadership
think on my feet
think about causes and remedies for social problems
type really really fast
learn new things quickly
keep things organized and seek more efficient ways to keep records/maintain order
get along with people
sound like i know what i’m talking about… even when sometimes i'm faking

soo..... what career path does that lead me to? and on that path, what is the next step?

posted by renee 4:50 PM

i don't see how i could possibly be expected to work today.

my brain is going "babblebabblebabblebabble." i want to listen to music and read a book and lift weights and make scones and drink coffee and watch a movie and organize my file cabinet and sweep the basement and buy some flowers for myself. but not work. no i do not want to work.

posted by renee 8:41 AM

Monday, January 09, 2006

God puts burrs or thorns in our bed, lest we should fall asleep like the disciples at Gethsemane, rather than watch and pray.

-George Whitefield

God is Good
God is Severe (patiently)

posted by renee 12:49 PM

this weekend was more productive than the last two months... i think it's good that we have new seasons frequently. every day's a new day. every week you get to start over. every spring you can feel the earth's new energy motivating you to peel the plastic off the windows and wash the floors. and the beginning of each new year is a chance to try to improve your life in a very satisfying way. so our house is positively sparkling and i bought a big basket for all my art supplies and i like it and i LOVE cooking and eating more than i like anything else... almost: QUESTION - would you rather that the process of eating food did not exist or that relationships where you connect with other humans did not exist? the ultimate conclusion, of course, is that i would choose to go without the pleasure of food before i could give up the pleasure of conversation. however, it would be tremendously sad to make that choice.

also: on saturday night, as i often do, i left my cell phone at a friend's house. i went back on sunday to get it while the friend was not at home. once i had retrieved it with the help of one of his roommates, i called him and asked him where it was. he then described where he had put it in helpful detail, not realizing that i must have found it considering i was talking to him on it at that very moment....

lastly: caleb crandall hicks is delightful.

posted by renee 8:42 AM

Friday, January 06, 2006

my check today was $200 more than usual for no apparent reason and i still have this strange high school compulsion to have something fun to do every friday and saturday night.

those two things have nothing to do with each other, but, in case you haven't noticed, i like to put "and" where "." should be sometimes.

posted by renee 9:56 AM

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

it's good that it's easy to change a 5 into a 6.

AND! i saw a phd candidate in the mirror this morning! SCARY!
first: GRE score of 700 or better and waiting...

posted by renee 10:00 AM

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

on my mother being fifty years old:

half a century!
what a long time to be alive!
and for you: what a lot of work!
once, i added it up
(the well balanced meals)
breakfast, lunch, and dinner
times 365 times 22
THOUSANDS... thank you...
and cloth diapers!
(babies are gross)
and twenty five years of marriage on top of that
to my dad.
half your life building up to
the family
that has loved you for the rest of it
good job!
you have, as it were, bloomed
you are now deserving of the title: woman
and everything it means
about giving
and loving
and building up tolerance for scalding hot dish water
and being tough
but vulnerable enough to learn still
and showing
your friends
and neighbors
and daughter
how to love God that much better.

posted by renee 9:26 PM

i'm starting to mix up the names of the people i'm jealous of and use them interchangeably.

there was a time, once, when warmth and hope for its staying power converged in a way that almost bowled me over.

now, there is hope, but it is abstract and cool to the touch.

posted by renee 3:38 PM

Sunday, January 01, 2006

soooo.... this is the post where i talk about how it's a brand new year and how i have much hope about what i will do with it and how i have all these resolutions that i may or may not keep.

i guess that about covers it.

tomorrow i return to my real life.

posted by renee 7:30 PM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!