emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Monday, March 31, 2003

And I smiled all the way home because I had sand in my shoes and newly made memories of the beach at Cavoli behind my tired eyes. I flashback to the feel of soft little sea polished rocks and the view when my head rests facing the sea… speckled white sand and water collide and the sound fills my ears. When my face gets hot, I turn my head and the view changes to pairs of pink sandy feet, toes turned up toward the friendly Mediterranean sun. Mmmmm…. I have the feeling that I could stay here for hours or days or years and not notice monotony setting in, and I can tell by the darkness of the other beach dwellers that this day is one worth repeating if you have the chance. And Allan asks “Renee, is this perfect yet?” I smile and say, “Almost.” The time comes to move on and I suddenly notice that I’m driving a rented Fiat around the shoreline of Elba on the most perfect day in history. And then there’s the German at the bus stop, the late-night mint milk near the train station in a town an hour out of our way because we took the wrong train, and the drunk guy at the Pisa airport at 1 am insisting that there’s no bus to Florence and that we should let him drive us in his “taxi.” Arriving home at 3 am and making Allan play host because we're too tired to walk all the way home leaves us drinking tea with limoncello at his kitchen table and laughing about how weird life is and how nice it is to be surrounded by good company and beautiful scenery all the time... and I have to go home in five weeks. What?

posted by renee 5:36 AM

Friday, March 28, 2003

woken up two days in a row by phone calls
tomorrow, i will hopefully be woken up by the sun on a beach in elba
or near one, at least

yesterday afternoon i was busy getting lost (on purpose, mind you)
and turned a corner only to hear the moonlight sonota wafting down from a third story window
and all i wanted at that moment was to have a piano
i start getting weird when i don't have one
it's like i have all this SOMETHING i have to get out of me, but i don't have a vehicle of expression
it's really rather silly
i have beaches and sunlight and the music of the italian language in my ears all day... and yet i still find something to complain about

posted by renee 3:53 AM

Thursday, March 27, 2003

cercare la luce in quest' epoca oscura
è un nobile impegno per un uomo nobile
ma a volte è rischioso vedere
quando in milioni sono ciechi
-italian poet whose name i've forgotten

When Satan tempts me to dispair and tells me of the grief within
Upward I look and see Him there Who made and end to all my sin
Beacause the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free!
For God, the Just, is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me
Behold Him there, the risen lamb
My perfect, spotless Righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM
The King of glory and of grace

consistancy is contrary to nature, contrary to life. the only completely consistant people are dead.

with each day that makes its abrupt appearance in my life, only to be soon stripped away far before its time, I come to realize more deeply how little i know myself.

uh... yeah... got woken up by a phone call at 7:30 am and loved it. realized that my friendship scale still falls heavy on the male side and wondered if it will always be so. stopped at a bar on the way to school this morning and had coffee and a pastry, standing up at the counter, like the italians do. this loud, chaotic country is becoming more a part of me every day. and that is all for now.

except q (that q was from brandon. he had a picture taken of him that looks like he is a flaming homosexual. we copied said picture and put it on the news board at school. so there. you should not type on my keyboard when i am trying to type.)

what i was going to say was that you should take a moment of silence for lucky today

posted by renee 4:23 AM

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

i spent yesterday evening on the phone (interrupted several times by italy's inability to keep telephone connections functioning) being demanding and difficult. and then i talked to my roommates for a bit about how it's important to be in a relationship focused on what you can give, not just on what you're getting out of it. and then i smacked myself on the forehead for my hypocracy, had a cappucino (without baileys, thank you) and went to bed. for all who fall in the path of the renee-tornado, i am deeply impressed with your perseverance. oh, and an email from my buddy mike back at the good ol' U made my morning. as much as i don't miss uds, i will revel in the chance to partake in pioneer lunches with you in may, my friend... hello unlimited meal plan...

posted by renee 6:29 AM

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

the most romantic thing i can think of:
stopping to buy three yellow tulips for myself on my leisurely walk home from school, as the sun and new march warmth fade over the florence skyline
but perhaps that's because i know nothing of romance

posted by renee 4:24 AM

Monday, March 24, 2003

spring break:
close your eyes, smell the sea, feel the wind whipping your hair around on the boat ride [snap] sitting on a rock, legs dangling over a 200 meter cliff, look down at the seagulls dancing their rhythmic, flowing loops across the unbelievable vista, in your ears: track 19, amelie soundtrack [snap] sicilian family attempting to feed crackers to fat, unmotivated ducks [snap] palermo: hotel regina's resident cat and old man (five foot, nothing) staring intently at our documenti for ten minutes only to look up quizzically and ask "minnesota?" [snap] flaming fried ice cream [snap] look out at the horizen, and imagine the water goes so far you can see the curvature of the earth [snap] lie down all together in back, no getting wet, for sure, i give you good service, you give me good tip (glowing blue grotto, tiberius's private swimming pool) [snap] nameless friend from maui laughing at us eating calamari [snap] train [snap] train [snap] train [snap] bus (can i borrow your plastic bag lose my pranzo in, please?) [snap] can this really be? am i done with spring break? dirty hair, dirty clothes, eyes burn (smoking car reservations) [snap] wave goodbye to sally and her china. will we ever hear from her again? [snap] anti war music videos and footage of bombs glowing in the night. is this really happening? marines in kuwait (no, scott in kuwait), troops in iraq (no, sam in iraq) [snap] desperately want to go home, desperately want to stay. today i realized that i am psycho and that is generally not okay with people

posted by renee 5:33 AM

Sunday, March 23, 2003

i would paint a word picture of my spring break for you right now if i could
but i think i'll wait and use my paper-journal tomorrow (not with me at the moment) because it has my immediate reactions
today i was hanging out laundry to dry and listening to the italian banter coming across our courtyard from open windows and i realized again that people are living out 6 billion lives in similar ways all over the world and could only shake my head in disbelief. it really is just too much to fathom.
sort of like my time here.
just too much to really write down
too much to explain to anyone- which leaves me feeling sort of lonely
and all of my entries here are attempts to condense this huge cultural experience into something manageble in black and white
i used to expand on details and i feel much more successful in that arena, really...
right now i don't want to talk to anyone on the phone
i don't want to write emails
i can't write in my journal anymore and feel good about it
and i'm so stinking sick of mtv...
i'm going to go continue my aimless wandering
and i hope my valentine arrived
big sigh

posted by renee 10:13 AM

Friday, March 21, 2003

this hostel is a bit dodgy
at least that's what sally from sydney (ex-accountant, ex-model and our new friend) would say
i am going to the emerald grotto today (lovely)
and then wandering the hills with bob
and then tomorrow all three of us will go to capri
(happy parents' honeymoon place, nate... i'll send you a postcard)
that is all
the internet is expencive here
but the food is cheap
love, peace, and mr. bowling's hair grease y'all

posted by renee 3:00 AM

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

bored in taormina
sicily is warm.... in april
but it's beautiful always
mmm, beach
i'm not wishing i was in florida... but i'm sure they're all having fun, too
hostels are funny
warm showers are a luxury, not a right
and coffee here is just not the same
peace out for now
ciao ciao ciao

posted by renee 11:06 AM

Friday, March 14, 2003

not feeling anything today
a nice change
hello rollercoaster life
oh, by the way, i went to a travel agent yesterday
bought a one way plane ticket to palermo
so easy, hand him the plastic, sign the reciept
sicily is very close to africa
but i don't think i'll get to go there
too bad
i'm looking forward to relaxing on the beautiful beaches of capri
reading what i want to read in the language in which i want to read it
so there, school. take that
out for a week, kids, catch up with you later

posted by renee 5:27 AM

Thursday, March 13, 2003

it is a wise ignorance which knows itself

ps. psycho comment from this morning is on yesterday's entry because this site sometimes chooses not to work
read at your own risk

posted by renee 10:21 AM

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

ah, and she comes full circle back to the question of love
thus is life

ps. on my shelf at home there are two bags of pasta and one slice of bread
in the refridgerator, there is a small piece of cheese, an egg and half of a package of butter

i think it's grocery time

posted by renee 4:32 AM

Monday, March 10, 2003

i went to interlaken anyway
snapshot: i'm on a bus surrounded by "ring-of-fire" players who have to pee but keep drinking anyway... finding myself laughing at their perversion followed by wondering what i'm doing there... (feels like a 21-plus version of greeley... with better scenery)
snapshot: sitting far up in the mountains, overlooking the eiger, breathing in the fresh air flowing to us through the alps, sucking on icicles, soaking in the sunshine and the silence. perfect
snapshot: i'm looking out into a narrow gorge over a 90 meter cliff. i'm packed tightly into a neon-green harness, and there's a caribeaner attaching me to a very long rope. i can feel the weight of it pulling me towards the yellow arrow pointing to nothingness in front of me. and suddenly, my arms up in a perfect swan (or maybe holding desperately to said rope...) i'm expelling my deep breath in the form of a shriek and falling at 130 km per hour to my death.... or not so much my death... WHOO HOOOOO
snapshot: the autogrill we stopped at on the way home had ten or so stalls in the bathroom, each with it's own sink and mirror and paper-towel dispenser. also, after you flush, the seat rotates itself around and gets some sort of cleaner sprayed on it. yeah. gas station bathrooms you can sit on. whoa
the swiss are much nicer than italians. the alps are... majestic is the only word that comes close. and my cheese and mushroom rosti was excellent... and then i came back to the florentine smog, stayed up until 3 am working on my project and am exhausted and too poor to eat lunch today... why oh why didn't i stay in switzerland???

posted by renee 6:34 AM

Thursday, March 06, 2003

moment of frustration with the discovery that our shuttle somehow filled up without us
moment of elation when we pounce apon the idea of renting a van and taking a road trip to switzerland
slow descent into mild disappointment when we realize there are no vans
sigh. cinque terre this weekend? or going to interlaken anyway, fourteen hours on a bus for 40 hours there?
i love surprise phone calls, but i hate it when the time runs out before the conversation
bye, m

posted by renee 3:05 AM

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

this morning there was no hot water, which means i sat around and ate a large breakfast in the time that i would normally be cleaning myself. this was highly satisfactory. although robyn and i agree that amnesiac is the best morning CD, cancer conspiracy woke me up with "broken heartbeats gathered and rebroadcast" and eased me into my day with "the silence of underwater traffic" combined with the stunning sunshine.... sometimes i wonder about the music i'm listening to these days.
i feel like i need people like these people around me more. people that push me. that teach me things. i need allan to force out the adventurer in me with his stories about senegal and dreams about creating something bigger than himself. i need annika to remind me that independence is a virtue. i need brian to tell me that techno is the coolest thing ever... so i can laugh and point at him. i need rafaella to explain why organ donation in italy is a problem, so i can add that facet to my total understanding of the culture. i need lyndsey to pose questions about the meaning of love that take us motionlessly from 10 pm to 11:30. i don't get enough of this. i want to dream big dreams and actually follow through on them. but here i am in italy, and i'm going to the alps this weekend (good to get out of the country because i'm starting to not notice that there is confetti all over the ground from carnevale and that everyone gets a cell phone here when they turn ten.... too normal). i'm not a complete failure on the adventuring scale... but more more more is what i need... sigh
ps. i got an A on my italian test. thank you, thank you, thank you

posted by renee 3:16 AM

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

i am caught between three worlds, but not as securely as some people
olga knows four languages, but doesn't get jokes in any of them
linda is never satisfied because her italian students talk too much and we don't talk enough
but i still know what it is to miss people wherever i am
and it's just getting worse
because i will miss not only people, but a country
which it may take me years and years to get back to
c'mon, my future job... be good to me...
money shouldn't hold us back as much as it does
it's a crying shame
and i use that phrase far too much

posted by renee 3:00 AM

Monday, March 03, 2003

monday morning, week 7
[note: the date is 03.03.03]
i spent my weekend eating at Baldovino (highly recommended) and sitting in front of santa croce, leaning against a random statue of dante and pretending i'm artsy
oh yeah, and diverting advances of non-english speaking 30 year olds who tell me i'm beautiful and that they'd like to buy me a coffee [note: more than one]
and being late for church when i'm supposed to be playing piano... oops...
next weekend? warming myself by a large indoor fire after a long evening of sledding in the alps. or something like that. this is the coolest "semester" ever. abby-girl, i will be visiting you when you have your adventure... because i just can't get enough.

posted by renee 3:28 AM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!