emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Thursday, August 28, 2003

I am not good enough now
it is always now
I will never be good enough

too many people spend their lives on the brink of greatness but never really make it
i do not want to waste my time here
i do not want to waste my time NOW
why am i sitting in the library writing blither?
if we really valued the present, we would watch far less tv
we would live in the presence of God more
he is timeless
the moment is timeless
i need to get out of here

posted by renee 5:43 PM

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

undeliverable, re: content
it's not fair
the problem between us was almost unnoticeable with states to stretch through
but now squished in the 4 feet of air between our houses, it has become unbearable
this is unbearable
it is not fair
it is not fair
i should not have these problems
correct, what you're thinking: this is not a real problem
but dang it, it feels like it

i almost wish i was like those girls who worry about whether or not to show cleavege on the first date
how many dates before you can have sex, asks cosmopolitan
and i laugh and am disgusted
but though empty, it is simply simpler
i have discovered the joy of playing with words
i will never enjoy playing with hearts
even if it doesn't feel like a game, i know it is
a sick twisted game
ring around the rosie
pockets full of posies
i don't like how defeated i feel, but defeated i am, it's time i got used to it

posted by renee 1:48 PM

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

i am in the cutest library ever
hooray for my st anthony neighborhood
this week holds nav planning, house settling in, book ordering and the state fair with ken
and then next weekend i will return to the wonderful north with italy friends
i am happy
one of my roommates offered to buy a cup of sharpies so that we can mark things that are ours with our initials on the top
i think that's hilarious
all for now

posted by renee 7:11 PM

Monday, August 25, 2003

so i'm back in the city after a soothing long weekend of superior sunsets over superior lakes, campfires on beaches, mars and plato.
moved into my house, sleeping in my house, cooking in my house, LIVING in my house?
sigh. i hope i can get home on the bus okay... poo.
i also hope i get a job. that would be good for paying for groceries.
but anyway, there are lilies and daisies on my desk already. all is well.

posted by renee 1:16 PM

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

now i disappear into a more temperate northern minnesota for a few days
i just brutally murdered a cockroach in my basement and was fascinated that his insides were exactly the same color as the piece of cat food he was chewing on before his untimely demise due my dad's old tennis shoe falling on him. what a sad end.
goodbye lincoln, my love.
i have lots of friends i need and i have lots of friends in need.
but it doesn't matter, because it's leaving time, and i don't get to have them or help them anymore. boo on change. BOO.

posted by renee 12:08 AM

Monday, August 18, 2003

the goop in my stomach is no longer happy with its environs... and therefore would like very much to come back out the direction it was imprisoned. maybe it's because an hour ago i sat limply on the porch watching him drive away and out of my world until thanksgiving. then i came inside and washed all the dishes because at least that was something unpleasant that i had the power to rectify. or maybe it's just that i'm not used to eating that much strawberry cream cheese so early in the morning. i want to cry or go back to sleep, but i will do neither.

posted by renee 8:23 AM

Sunday, August 17, 2003

let me never become a passionate activist for a secondary cause at the cost of reducing my dedication to that which i claim to be the primary one

posted by renee 9:06 PM

Thursday, August 14, 2003

maybe i'm little at 20, but i was pretty dang old at 15 when i wrote this list of questions

some thoughts on my life
what is it that i'm striving for? is it God, or just perfection?
do i place more value on the "popularity" of my friends than their personalities and goals? why?
do i give and recieve equally in relationships? do i suck up to be recognized? does the amount of effort i put into relationships depend on the "popularity" of the other person?
which is worth more to me, being known by and knowing many or being loved by and loving a few?
what role does God play in relationships? do i use God correctly? (meaning, do i let God use me?) have i fooled myself into thinking that God is more in control of me than he really is?
why do i put God off when he shows me a sin? why don't i deal with it right away?
do i really care about all the people i saw i do? why? do they care about me? why do i pray for other people so much? do i do it for their benefit or mine?
is anyone else like me? do people do their while lives like i have been? never questioning, never wondering. does anyone really have a good relationship with God?
how did i get this far into trouble without noticing? what can i do about it?
is being self-righteous really a lack of God's power in my life? is jealousy a product of self-righteousness?
God, why am i like this? fix me.

ah, the opening of my introspective eyes. and five years later i have a few questions answered. the rest i don't plan on ever being at peace about on this earth. but that is finally okay with me.

posted by renee 8:56 AM

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

saturday i had the best date ever with my two best girlfriends. thai food and funny necklaces followed by nickel creek at the rococo courtesy of my parents and my birthday. their two hour set was followed by a well deserved standing ovation and a five song acoustic encore played at the edge of the stage without mics. they asked us to be quiet because mandolins are not so loud unamplified, so every time someone played a solo, someone would start to cheer and the rest of the crowd would shh them.... it was beautiful. their last song was be thou my vision. mmmmm... after the show, we got granitas and climbed through the familiar broken window onto the familiar roof and remembered not to look down as we stepped across the gap to the familiar fire escape which we climbed to the top. all in our dresses... after we climbed back down, we wandered back through vine draped alleys behind various bars and danced to thick jazz floating through brick walls we're not old enough to be behind. a male voice asking "is this a bathroom, for real?" from three stories above us prompted the abrupt end of our evening, but it couldn't have been better.
then sunday was full of driving and moving in to my big old house in st paul. the time has nearly come. six days left in the lincoln i love. and i know the next time i see it, there will be 5,000 more people to share downtown with. sigh. what a perfect time to be alive and in this place. i am a happy girl for a week. then, hopefully the excitement about new classes and new living arrangement is more lasting than the past. but i miss jill and i miss italy.
six girls, a kitten and five boys next door that think we're fun. life is good and will continue to be so.

posted by renee 10:54 AM

Friday, August 08, 2003

last night i almost ran over a possum
opossum? an opossum?
i hate those things

and today i am twenty

posted by renee 11:50 AM

Thursday, August 07, 2003

sometimes on really hot days i sit in my basement and sing along to bjork
and sometimes, after that, i go to the airport where the carmen trifecta will be joyously completed by LISA
and just in time for my birthday
on which i will stop drinking mountain dew
hopefully for longer than a week this time

posted by renee 4:05 PM

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

the past unfolded...

hey! how was your weekend? my was cool!
I had a blast at Worlds of Fun. I got a tad sunburned.
Can you keep a secret? you are the only person that knows this I like Seth _____!
is this totally Insane? he went on the trip w/us and I don't know something happened between us. Its kinda hard to explain. (we didn't get it on or anything.)
I had to tall you so I could stay sane. Tell me your honest opinion about him O.K. I know not alot of girls think he's cute, but I do. I won't be hurt if you think he's ugly. I still like Jesse ____ too. [big scribbled out sentence] He might like Cassie though (Seth).
I'm confused.
Honestly, please tell me what you think.
-su amiga-


i kid you not

posted by renee 6:17 PM

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

i walked home barefoot on the sparkling black asphalt. it was still radiating leftover august heat from the hours it spent soaking the rays in before the sun set. and i watched my neck and fingers get longer as i padded drowsily further from each streetlight. earlier i had relaxed back into the comfort of my childhood friends and our incessant harmonizing... the bond between people who grow up singing together is something special indeed. tonight was happy birthday at its finest... i remember my barefoot years at their house when we were little. we ran like bandits through the acres of crabgrass and gradually our feet got so tough they didn't bleed anymore. sigh. bare feet (unless i was wearing one roller skate and stephanie was wearing the other one) and baby kittens (almost as coveted for holding as the people babies...) and now bridesmaid dresses fill the closets...

i miss it.

posted by renee 10:46 PM

everytime i start to feel sort of okay about things, i read or hear another story like this. it seems like any talk of dating in the evangelical arena climaxes with the ideal story of a perfectly pure, Christ-focused woman who somehow catches the eye of the perfectly pure, Christ-focused man from miles away. he then prays about her for months, observes her silently and remains so impressed that he finally calls her dad and does something about it. when he approaches her, she is surprised, as she also has been admiring his leadership qualities and godliness from afar. so she prays for a few weeks and asks for advice from parents, friends, pastors, etc, and then they "court" for six months and get married. unfortunately things simply don't work that way for me. maybe i'm impatient. maybe i am not listening closely enough. or maybe i just don't have the sort of qualities that can attract anyone passively. i will never be the mysteriously quiet pretty one in the shadows. but i want to rebel against my own guilt. i want to believe that i wouldn't be deeply honored to get attention from a guy who noticed me sans flirtation. but it just doesn't work that way for me. none of the guys i've dated would have taken me seriously unless i made myself available.

and you know what else? i'm sick and tired of people complaining about their long distance relationships when they see each other at least once a month or are getting married in november. i am in the midst of this beautiful deep friendship that i have to leave behind in five days. neither of us know if this will develop further into the sort of thing that lasts your whole life or if it will fall apart and all our pain and struggles over the last year and a half will be for naught. i know so many people who've made it. a boy who lasts four years 1000 miles from his girlfriend and marries her promptly after. my mom and dad who started "snail-mail-dating" right after college, she teaching in the nebraskan panhandle and one in seminary in chicago. sigh. maybe this long distance thing is in my genes.

posted by renee 9:57 AM

Monday, August 04, 2003

somebody stop me now... travelocity is a terrible thing. it tells me that in 6 and a half hours and for $534.10 i could be in iceland. or in 12 hours and 11 minutes and for $574.20 i could be in switzerland. i mean really... in the scheme of things, what's $500? nothing, that's what. i want out of here! i want to skip a semester of school! i want to do fun things that i like instead of trying to weasel my way into closed classes that i may or may not enjoy so that my schedule allows me to work so that i can pay a lot of money for them. i think that's silly. but i also owed my parents $1500 at the beginning of the summer and now owe them... $1500. dang it all... money keeps me from things. it should not be this way. i am far more tempted than i should be.

posted by renee 1:50 PM

Saturday, August 02, 2003

suddenly everything floating around in my head started to seem much too serious. no one is allowed to see gigli and i must also warn you about michael w smith because it appears that he is a drug addict who encourages young Christian teens to [gasp] dance and signs artists to his record label that like [gasp] Coldplay and read [gasp] Shakespeare

seriously. some people need to take a chill pill. or a sharp blow to the head.

i care much more about what's real than about what's right. that governs my choice in music, in friends, in reading material, in entertainment.... perhaps not the best conviction at this extreme, but perfectly indefetable at the moment.

anyway, i know that modern day pharisees like this are the reason people hate Christians. couldn't blame them, really.....

posted by renee 12:10 PM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!