emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Thursday, July 28, 2005

it's july and i have my space heater on.

some people worry about identity theft. i don't.

there's a girl at work who always seems like she wishes she were invisible. she's painfully shy and nervous and always stands with her feet very close together, taking up as little space as possible. i recently found out that she's 30. i would have guessed 18. sometimes, when we're working in the same area or riding home on the same bus, i pretend i don't see her. i think she likes it better that way.

i wonder, if people spied on me, if they would be surprised or not.

be glad today that your last name isn't barfknecht. if it is, i'm sorry.

posted by renee 2:50 PM

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

but really now...

"he would be just tall enough that he'd need to tip my chin up to kiss me, and a bit hansomer than average. he would have longish hair that gets in his eyes and would usually wear chuck taylors with soft, old jeans. i've dated one boy with blue eyes, one with brown and one with green. my only requirement is that they be pretty. but really, ugly eyes are hard to come by. he would be interested in the world around him: in people, in books, in travelling, in politics, in music, in art. he needn't be brilliant, but must be curious. he would think the things i'm learning about in school or work were worth knowing and i could come home at the end of the day and tell him something he didn't know before. he would surprise me by continually teaching me new things as well. he would know how to pick a good wine. sometimes, if we were both reading or working in the same room, i would look up and notice him staring at me. we would both smile. when we'd walk outside or stand in line somewhere, he would usually reach for my hand or my waist before i thought to reach for his. he'd have strong shoulders- the sexiest things about boys i like are their backs and their hands... and of course he would have a particularly inviting mouth. speaking of hands, he would absolutely have to play an instrument well. preferably the piano, but i'm willing to negotiate. he would either write his own music or at least be able to play music with me in some way. and we would sometimes lay on the floor in his room and listen to records from beginning to end without talking. we would have known about each other for quite awhile before we actually knew each other. he would have found me intriguing, but would not be the sort to get in over his head before the right time, so he'd wait to do anything about it until we got to know each other as friends. he would have a solid reputation and be confident enough that he wouldn't need to put up a front to impress anybody, but people would tend to be impressed anyway. the first time we sat down to talk, we would be surprised by how much we had in common. we would both like crossword puzzles and pedro the lion and we would always get each other's jokes. our differences would draw us together as well. he would be a rock. where i am firey, he would be calm, but he would never patronize me for my passion. he would love the color that i bring to his life and i would love the stability and patience in him i could always count on. when people found out we were interested in each other, they would see incredible potential in the match. the binding on his bible would be nearly worn through from use and it would be constantly laying around with the unlined blank book he uses as a journal. he would love indian food and wouldn't care that i don't eat meat. in fact, he might respect it, even though he doesn't share the same conviction. that wouldn't bother me at all. he would love his mom, and his dad would really really love his mom. they would both love me. he wouldn't like to go out all that often, but would usually rather light a fire in the fireplace and read. every once in awhile, though, he'd surprise me with a day full of fun things to do together. if i planned a day of fun things to do together, he would love it. we could wander around art museums for hours without getting bored. occasionally he would buy me flowers for no reason. he would love painting dates and coffee dates and most of all cuddling and watching a pretentious movie dates. no matter who he was with, he would ask a lot of questions and be a careful listener. because of that, he would be someone people often come to for advice. i would respect that quality in him immensely. when we were in social situations, our personalities would complement each other. we would each find the other's sense of humor irresistably attractive and being in groups would remind us how much we still have crushes on each other. both my friends and his friends would like to hang out with us as a couple. when i cried, he would know to listen and hold me and try to understand, and he would never offer a solution for the problem unless i asked for one. he would like my mom and my mom would like him. he would make me feel pretty. i would trust him completely."

i wrote that in december. every time i read it again, it makes me excited and sad at the same time.

posted by renee 1:52 PM

i am eating leftover deep dish pizza for lunch. covering the pizza are mushrooms, black olives, green olives, onions, green peppers, chunky tomato sauce, caraway seeds, dried basil flakes and the glue that holds it all down: mozzarella. i wish i wish i wish that i had invented pizza.

posted by renee 1:03 PM

Monday, July 25, 2005

sometimes there's so much going on in your head and the actual physical place you are and all the things you have to do today start to seem so abstract that you can't possibly think of anything to say. i really wonder how many people have this same disparity between what's going on in front of and behind their faces. it seems like it must not be very many. the statistical probability that i will go completely crazy at some point is high enough that, if everyone were like me, psychiatry would be the most booming profession there is. but the thing is that i may not be crazy at all, but that the world is the crazy thing and the only people who live comfortably in it do so because they're not paying close enough attention.

that is all.

posted by renee 4:26 PM

Sunday, July 24, 2005


it's fricking hot here.

posted by renee 12:29 AM

Friday, July 22, 2005

another attempt at explaining:

i both love and hate that time is flying. it flies at work. it's already friday. another weekend is upon me and i feel like i just finished the last one. that's nice, i guess. of course, saturday and sunday are over before i have truly appreciated this newfound relief of having ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that i'm forced to do for two days. that's an incredible experience and one i was deprived of for most of my college years. but my life seems to have turned into an infinite repetition of week-weekend-week-weekend-week-weekend and i'm afraid it might never stop. so in the short term, it's nice when time flies. 4 'o' clock comes before you know it. but in the long term, if it doesn't slow down, i have a feeling i'm going to miss the point...

matt simmons, do you want to go to french meadows with me? perhaps i will call...

posted by renee 3:40 PM

i was scrounging in my drawer for change and discovered that, alas, i do not have enough to buy myself a soda. my eyelids instantly felt heavier. this caffine thing is all in my head.

as i was typing that, jamie delivered my paycheck. the reason i came to work today... :-)

posted by renee 9:15 AM

Thursday, July 21, 2005

there's a group of people who play cards over lunch every day at my office. it appears to be quite exclusive and quite fun. today i was invited to come down at noon sometime and participate by a nice young man who i've spoken with once or twice. i'm not that interested to get to know him for some reason, but it is likely that i will find the time for some lunch hour poker in the next couple of weeks. i was wondering as a result of our exchange how one goes about meeting people that they are interested in getting to know. besides working at a restaurant, studying abroad or moving to new york and being a cutie pie, i'm not at all sure.

also: i won $540 worth of massage and chiropractic care and i'm very excited to cash it in. my poor aching back...

posted by renee 12:53 PM

today i learned why lots of people think lawyers are jerks.

posted by renee 11:08 AM

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

ah, chris thile... how did this horribly nerdy boy who makes horribly awkward faces while playing his totally-not-rockstar instrument get so many girls lined up wishing he'd marry them? and i wonder if people of his sort, incredibly famous in a very strange small niche, ever google their own names. well, then he'd have it, wouldn't he? i'll take a number, thank you. sigh. it was a fantastic show, and as i brushed past him on my way out, i almost couldn't resist saying something...

and afterward, laura and i broke into hamline's school of music and found pianos. a fantastic date if i ever had one.

posted by renee 12:47 PM

Monday, July 18, 2005

i had a wonderful weekend full of beaches and successful entertaining of guests at my new home as well as getting some laundry and cleaning done. but i wasn't too upset to have to go back to work today. i like my job. and the walk to the bus stop was a pleasant 75 degrees this morning. then i walked in the front door to my sauna of an office. the a/c broke. it's probably 85 in here.

sigh. good thing i'm going to NICKEL CREEK tonight!!!!

but i have to spend today on the 7th floor where i bet it's 100 right now.

posted by renee 8:38 AM

Thursday, July 14, 2005

i like this

posted by renee 2:09 PM

in the corner back of my bus, a girl with long dark hair and italian features often sits, curled up with her feet on the seat in front of her. her clothes are always this euro-slouch style that disguises her tallness and skinniness and she is effortlessly pretty, all tangles and no makeup. not pretty... elegant. she doesn't read and never wears headphones. she just looks out the window and broods. she never looks panicked or worried or angry, just brooding. like the thoughts mulling about in her skull are darker and more interesting than music or books could ever be. i had classes with her in college and discovered occasionally that we knew some of the same people, but we never really got to be friends. and from her corner on the bus, she never seems like she recognizes me. i wonder if we'd understand each other. nicole. intriguing.

by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICAH MAX SCHMIEDESKAMP. i called him this morning at 7:45 hoping not to wake him up and it turned out he'd already been at work for over an hour. boo on working on your birthday.

posted by renee 8:53 AM

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

often when i look at big trees, i wonder what it would be like to see them if you'd grown up in the plains, only seeing plants waist high or smaller. i wonder if then, you'd realize how much the same they are, like giant clover or oversized dandilions with thick, wooden stalks...

and i think what i want is probably impossible, so i'm going to put more energy from now on into wanting it less and not so much into looking for it.

if you ask me what i'm thinking and i say "nothing," i mean "i don't want to tell you right now." invariably.

posted by renee 8:57 PM

Monday, July 11, 2005

we all know the story of the day jesus demonstrated righteous anger at the temple in jerusalem by turning over the merchants' tables and chastising them for turing it into a "den of robbers." but i hadn't remembered that earlier that morning he cursed a fig tree for not bearing fruit, even though figs weren't in season at the time. after the temple incident, he and the disciples walk past the plant and it has whithered and died. that makes me uncomfortable. seems like predestination at it's most ruthless- i will design a system of seasons which determine that you, fig tree, will only produce figs for a certain number of days out of the year. then, when you exist within the system i created and therefore do not make a fig for me when i am hungry for one, i will kill you.

could someone please explain this to me?

posted by renee 1:45 PM

Friday, July 08, 2005

yesterday, at the walker i heard a guy call to his girlfriend, lily, across the crowded gallery to come look at a piece which consisted of a video of a sort of production and all the props/scenery that was used in making it. he was wearing a black tee shirt with a contorted us flag on the front and buddy holly glasses and she had on a knee length wool skirt and dyed black hair. neither looked like they'd seen the sun for months. and he said "o my gawd lily, this is SOO ucla right now..." and i smiled more at that than i did at any of the actual exhibits. people are wonderful

posted by renee 12:28 PM


in other news: i am remarkably self centered.

posted by renee 9:26 AM

Thursday, July 07, 2005

why does everyone around here WHISPER so much!?! my boss's new secretary started yesterday and she's already in the middle of everyone's business. i can't tell you how many times i've heard her bragging today about how much work she did yesterday cleaning out under her new desk... the files she found date back further every time i hear it over my cube wall. and i wouldn't care, except she treats me like i'm five. whatever. you go schedule guy's appointments and be middle aged and act like you know more than everybody when you've been here for a total of twelve hours.

whoo... cocky cocky cocky. i don't know anything either, but that's okay with me.

tomorrow marks the end of week four. four weeks of getting up early, spending hours on the bus (for free), wearing silly clothes and occasionally wishing the guy who works at the pizza place around the corner would ask me on a date.

to do: join a gym, pick the cat up from the vet, decorate my cube

posted by renee 1:52 PM

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

i'm like the waking dead. must... go... to bed... earlier...

it's going to be a long day.

posted by renee 8:13 AM

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

poor neglected blog.... i have been:
1. sunbathing in a nebraska state park with my wonderful cousins
2. eating "jamaican me crazy" rum chocolate at the denver airport
3. driving carefully around corners in a minivan full of furniture and dishes
4. discussing the perils of climbing out of poverty with a client
5. eating mango cheesecake with my two best friends in the world
6. NOT fitting a queen size box spring into the aforementioned van
7. arranging its arrival at my house via jordan's truck
8. sleeping quite well, thank you
9. scrubbing a sticky refrigerator
10. exchanging witticisms with several tall skinny boys i know
11. watching pretty explosions in the air
12. working working working
13. talking until 2 in the morning occasionally
14. making waffles and eggs fried with asparagus (wonderful combination...)
15. not spending enough time alone with my thoughts to know what most of them are

but not necessarily in that order.
maybe i'll spend some evenings this week organizing my brain as well as my new kitchen.

posted by renee 8:04 AM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!