emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

i am subversive because i groove to royksopp at my desk while i am doing data entry.
you can see into my office from the front desk, and i'm sure my bobbing head inspires much confidence into our clients that their workers have their best interest seriously in mind at all times.

but today, i don't care.

clap clap clap
snap snap snap
bop bob bob

posted by renee 12:03 PM

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

i have
from playing the


p.s. i do not know how to correctly apply makeup and don't plan to learn. if that makes me eventually a canyon away from my teenage daughter who believes me to be out of touch, so be it.

posted by renee 8:40 AM

Friday, January 26, 2007

i am a big big big snob. i heard an engagement story set at a chain restaurant where the couple met and i really did think "that's the worst engagement story i've ever heard."

if someone got down on one knee in front of panera bread and proposed to me, i would laugh. and then i would cry.

posted by renee 9:26 AM

Thursday, January 25, 2007


i had a dream where i went to church and it was in a suite in a strange old building that looked like something out of a humphrey bogart movie. ben folds was leading worship.

when someone of the male persuasion says in response to a question about the food he eats "i'm a pretty simple guy," this does not mean he's easy to feed. it means he's picky.

i'm hungry all the time, it seems like. but now i've stocked my cupboard at work with healthy snacks. i hope i still have some left tomorrow.

hilary's been watching the golden girls, whole seasons at a time. that is fricking hilarious.

hanging out with a bunch of christians is different than hanging out with a bunch of non-christians.

i hear a man's voice over my cubicle wall. that's confusing, since richard is the only man who works here and he never comes out of his cubicle, which is out of earshot.

i made samosas from scratch last night and was/am very pleased with myself. i just wished i had a boy to share them with who'd appreciate it. but i got over it.

fine. so none of those actually count as a vignette. i'm going to go back to my heart-healthy dried fruit and nut mix now.

posted by renee 11:49 AM

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

i'd like to be

sitting on a sunny bench in central park, with abigail, reading a book or knitting, and occasionally looking up to watch cute boys playing frisbee.

at my house, with "return to cookie mountain" playing loud, drinking toasted southern pecan flavored coffee, and slopping bright colors of paint on a big canvas.

in an art gallery in lawrence kansas, glancing at black and white photographs and listening to my lisa lavonne play songs about the things happening in her pretty head on a piano.

in athens.

on a stage in northern california somewhere, with lights shining in my eyes and harmony to a thomas built the wall song pouring through my lips into a microphone.

eating samosas. homemade garam masala!

posted by renee 12:06 PM

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

last night i learned:

when anticipating a conversation with someone new who is likely to be reserved, i tend to overprepare. this can easily result in me talking too much.

the word "surprised" is inconveniently value-neutral.

in comparison of a first date/non-date in a bar vs. in a coffee shop. the bar is more likely to result in future meetings because getting to know each other in any sort of meaningful way is more difficult. this is good if you want to go on dates more often and bad if you want to efficiently weed out incompatible contenders.

spending three hours talking to someone you didn't know at all before is a more worthwhile activity than nearly anything else one might do on a random monday evening, particularly if the other options are watching television or running around in circles at the gym. this is true even if you never see that person again.

in short, we are the same type of vegetarian, he has knitted a pair of socks (poorly, he says) and a bit of a hermit. he is more STINGY than me, less OUTGOING than me, more LIBERAL than me, far less EMOTIONAL than me, and depending on the value context of the word "surprised," less CHRISTIAN than me. if the final point leans in the other (unlikely) direction, he would breezily get a second date/non-date. hooray for boys who are vegetarians and NOT psycho.


posted by renee 11:21 AM

Friday, January 19, 2007

yesterday afternoon, while walking across the foyer of the council chambers, i had a sudden and nearly irrepressible urge to do a cartwheel. i'm glad i was able to overcome it as that action may have made my professionalism a tad suspect....


i had a dream
where i visited your house
it had been quite a long time
and things were not as i remembered

you took me on a tour
the rooms seemed small
walking up the stairs from the basement
i waxed nostalgic with you
about loving the kitchen
my mind and mouth filled with praise
for its gleaming countertops
sunkissed floors
built in invitation to a cup of tea and conversation

alas, when we arrived there
it was as untrue to my memory as the rest
but the words spilling from my mouth which now rang empty
poured and poured still

then my eye
happened upon a second story peeking over a railing
where comfy chairs and shelves of books
which i'd never noticed before
sat quietly
full of potential for a lazy afternoon
familiar in their newness
and stirring within me

but i said nothing to you about it

and i woke up wondering
if my dream was about your house
or about you

posted by renee 10:36 AM

Thursday, January 18, 2007

i think that the very worst people are the women who write articles harshly critiquing the dresses and hairstyles celebrities wear to public events. if you set up a group of pictures of the "best dressed" and the "worst dressed" i would probably not be able to tell which is which. the amount of energy that is put into being absolutely positive that no one has had their picture taken in this dress ever before and that the hemline is right and it's risky, but in a good way, and that you remember whether dark eyes and pink lips or shimmery eyes and red lips are in this season.... well.... it seems like an awful waste of time to me.

but you can hardly blame the celebrities. the consequence of a slip up is a scathing review of your fashion ineptitude written by an overweight greasy haired woman slouching over her keyboard somewhere, french fry oil dripping off her chin. i'd be scared too.

posted by renee 10:02 AM

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

well, i've been doing a heck of a lot of distracting myself lately.

i wonder, when it all calms down, if i'll be disappointed by reality.

except "reality" is seeming more and more vague.

i'm just not sure i know where to go from here.

i really do wish that i was a robot some days.

posted by renee 10:50 AM

Friday, January 12, 2007


1. so bush announces that we'll be sending more troops and then the next day the price of a gallon of gas falls by 20 cents? explain that one to me, please.

2. i'm pretty sure last night he compared himself and me to bill and hillary clinton. you shouldn't do that.

posted by renee 11:56 AM

Thursday, January 11, 2007

-at the point where you would give up on your tube of toothpaste and buy a new one, i can still get two weeks worth of paste scrunched out of the edges. that is not even remotely the most important thing on my mind today.

-i think i am at another turning point, where i will make a series of decisions that will dictate quite a lot about how my life will go forward.

-and when the girl is afraid to confront you about something, so afraid she's almost shaking, but does it anyway... that is love.

-finally, an observation: it is quite difficult for a person so abstract to live in a concrete world. i used to be surprised some mornings that my feet, with each step, met tangible pavement. and now, i recognize, part of this need for intense personal relationships comes from the way they draw others into my abstraction, where emotions and thoughts matter so much more than in the daily grind, which has never begun to make sense to me.

posted by renee 12:30 PM

Sunday, January 07, 2007

somebody at bunkers on new year's eve tapped me on the shoulder. a stranger. she smiled and told me that 2007 is going to be my year.

i am TOTALLY taking her word for it, and it's feeling pretty fantastic already.

around every corner is a possibility.

and so, optimism wins this battle...

posted by renee 8:01 PM

Friday, January 05, 2007

today would be a really great day to find a piano in a large empty room.


posted by renee 11:35 AM

Thursday, January 04, 2007

seems to me there's an important difference between

LIKING someone
CARING about them

i think i'm about to find out for sure

posted by renee 10:26 PM

i have a new strategy for new year's resolutions.

a couple of years ago, i only had one: BE PERFECT.

umm... yeah... so it turns out i'm pretty bad at that. this year i diversified. i feel inspired and prepared to meet my new goals:

1.) eat more fruit (every day for the most part)

2.) try not to interrupt

that's it. of course there are always underlying issues to work on and always will be. i just reserve the right to feel like a success if i have a banana in the morning and listen well in the afternoon. (even if i don't keep up on current events or take a multivitamin or stick to my budget or do anything at all on my to do list)

posted by renee 10:06 AM

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

closed in
by walls
of words

where who i am
and who i have been
stare each other down
full of judgement

and who i would like to become
lurks in the shadows
i cannot make out
her expression
her shape
her size

and it is hard to tell
in the dark
whether or not
she has good posture

(or music?)
would be

posted by renee 1:05 PM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!