emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Thursday, June 29, 2006

did you know peanuts are a legume, not a nut?!

regardless, my iron is too low to give blood today.

posted by renee 1:24 PM

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

yesterday i woke up at sunrise. i did yoga in the back yard for an hour, ate scrambled eggs and hashbrowns, read a book on the front porch while drinking coffee from a homemade cup, and took a nice long shower, all before 7 am

today i overslept

that is so incredibly like me.

posted by renee 10:52 AM

Monday, June 26, 2006

it's been too long since i've been shaken up

i feel dull
vaguely heartbroken

consumed by lists of tasks
phone calls to make
checks to write
appointments to keep
habits to correct: make or break

and how i feel the looming sense that i could live my life like this

i long for that piercing reality
the world in sharp relief
attention piqued and ready
razor awareness of all sensations

hurts: but you feel something

***i want to say
****if, one day, i'm just gone
*****don't come looking
******i'll be better off

but i know that day won't come

something close
(in terms of intensity)
won't be long

posted by renee 10:48 AM

Thursday, June 22, 2006

the women at work, they believe in me. it has been a good morning for my self esteem.


if you are reading this blog, please leave a comment with a fact about birds. do not look anything up. the birdfact must come from your own memory.

so far:
hummingbirds are the only birds who can fly backwards
the meadowlark is the state bird of nebraska
in saint paul, in the last week, i have seen two birds fly not into windows because of the enticing reflection of the sky, but straight into walls. (resulting hypothesis: birds are getting dumber)

seriously. everyone must leave a comment. I MEAN YOU!

posted by renee 9:56 AM

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

i lay still in the lawn
and imagine my skin full of chloroplasm
soaking in the sun’s power deep and full
growing down down down into the earth
to pull up hidden bits of strength
and all the time turning darker darker darker green
i funnel my energy, large and complete, toward thickening
growing taller
growing fuller

and oh, when it rains

all that comes from the sky
is nourishing
the water and the heat and the rays of nutritious sun
all gifts from one who loves me

and i imagine
that i could stay forever
and i’d turn into some lavish blossom
decadent with color and scent
or a tree
tall and strong and seemingly permanent
giving as so much has been given to me

posted by renee 10:32 AM

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

just because you know
that a particular gap
in a particular fence
at a particular corner
is the place where
a particularly ferocious canine unleashes a barrage of particularly ferocious barking

every morning
at about the same time

absolutely does not mean
that you won't still jump

posted by renee 12:16 PM

Monday, June 19, 2006

hello my name is GIRL
and, as it turns out,
i don’t exist

it is this space between loved and unloved
this anonymity between known and invisible
where once
i was valid
i was a person
i was understood
and since,
i have been erased
washed off

your name is BOY
and without you
i don’t exist

because i put myself
the dictionary definition
in direct relationship to you
“the state of being loved by BOY”

remove the foundation
the source of me as an object

and i disappear

posted by renee 12:13 PM

Thursday, June 15, 2006

1. there is a constant high pitched humming sound at my new office that they think might be coming from the ventilation.

2. i think i'll take a class this fall. microecon will be required wherever i go to grad school, most likely. or i could take an advanced stats class (since i had to take intro in two different departments, to my dismay).

but, in a fit of utter nerdiness, i really feel like taking calculus instead. I LIKE MATH.

3. yiling moved away yesterday and all i have left of her are some living green things (some of which are delicious in eggs) and a gre study manual that stares at me.

4. for dinner (instead of dinner?) yesterday i had six chocolate chip cookies and a popsicle. it's probably a good thing i don't make that a habit...

5. if you haven't come to my house and sat on my front portch yet, you better do it quick. i think there might be thunderstorms soon and i plan on boning up on my super mario bros skills on the front portch during them.

6. i think, if i practiced, that i could write short stories that are worth reading. but i also want to take calculus. i am turning into a female and much less cool version of nate burchell.

7. brett, was there someone i should have paid more attention to meeting at your party? did i miss it?

posted by renee 12:30 PM

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

sometimes, when i'm really honest, i wonder if something is really really wrong with me. the problem is that there is no way to be sure. i'd like it if there wasn't. if the disasters that seem to pile themselves around me and inside me were more environmental than internal. but sometimes, when i'm really honest, i wonder.

posted by renee 10:33 PM

i sat in a giant chair
it dwarfed me
my feet didn't even reach the edge of the seat
and i had to reach my elbows up up up to find armrests
and i was tiny
itty bitty

i was little in a big chair
and i didn't like it

note to self: the truth hurts. in the future, avoid acknowledging it for as long as possible.

posted by renee 8:15 AM

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

suuuuuuper crabby

posted by renee 3:42 PM

this is me quoting morgan quoting clive staples.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

indeed. perhaps i am foolhardy, but at least i am not hard.

posted by renee 9:48 AM

Monday, June 12, 2006

sometimes, if your ipod's on random and you're not paying very close attention, and a godspeed song comes on, all of a sudden you might realize you're very afraid that something from the swamp, dripping with murderous intent, is directly behind you, about to slide its clammy fingers slowly, terrifyingly, around your scrawny neck.

but then, hopefully before your heart explodes, you'll realize what's going on, snap out of it and go home from the empty office for the evening.

umm... or maybe i just scare easily.

posted by renee 5:32 PM

Friday, June 09, 2006

i just feel and feel and feel and feel and feel. all day long i feel.
and i think.
i think and think and think and think and think. all day long i think.


the only answer is the woods, eggs for breakfast, sweatshirts/jeans/flip flops and several books.

but we'll see if that happens any time soon.

posted by renee 9:05 AM

Thursday, June 08, 2006

another uncomfortable increase in self-awareness

i am full of judgment. i suppose that is nothing new, and certainly not something that's gone completely unnoticed before, but recently i have been seeing a lot of harsh stereotypes popping up in my thoughts and speech without feeling motivated to check them. i.e. rich twenty-somethings and almost all parents of young children.

1.) woman on the bus coos to and pets her screaming child. i've known enough children to be able to tell the difference between noises that warrant a comforting response and noises that warrant punishment. a clue: this was not the former sort of noise.

2.) young men and women with absurdly rich parents discuss the hierarchy of luxury purses and their recent and impending posh international vacations. makes me want to vomit.

3.) woman with grocery bags. more than your recommended daily value of trans fats in every single item she has chosen to purchase. tiny kids trailing each with a whole bag of some new variation of skittles.

4.) another couple on the bus, father varying rapidly between yelling at, ignoring and paying positive attention to children who are all the while putting their mouths on various surfaces of the dirty dirty bus.

surprisingly (perhaps), i find myself much more willing to forgive those who are making choices dissimilar to what my own would be if they are poor.

spoiled white american suburbanites with manicures and $75 hair cuts who know that birken bag (which i have never heard of) is the best purse, i have no patience for whatsoever.

i have yet to figure out if my annoyance and lack of desire to find them more than shallow is something i need to work on. if you're poor, you have fewer choices. if you're rich, you don't have to be ostentatious and image-obsessed. and isn't how you spend your money a VALUE?

but no, different values are not a sufficient reason to write someone off..... at least not completely.

ah, what a mess of conflicting motivations we human beings are. i trust myself a little less every day.

posted by renee 8:32 AM

Monday, June 05, 2006

in an air conditioned room
on a strange contraption of plastic and metal
stride stride stride stride
and all of a sudden, i wonder
with each drip of air conditioned sweat
why am i doing this?

it could be just because someone once told me it would be a good idea
it could be because i think it will keep me healthy
(and someone once told me that would be a good idea)
or because i think it will keep me alive longer
(and someone once told me that would be a good idea)
it could be because i think it will make me beautiful
(and someone once told me that would be a good idea)
or because i think it will make a man want me
(and someone once told me that would be a good idea)

but all of a sudden, it seems like nonsense
all this striding and dripping

stride stride stride stride
stride drip stride stride
stride stride drip
drip stride

posted by renee 11:43 AM

Thursday, June 01, 2006

i HEART my new house

and it is so great how my roommates are my family. and i found a job i really want, but it's in washington d.c. and i think there are probably other jobs like it here, if only i knew how to find them.

i just tried and failed again. i don't think i want to work at the university i just graduated from, particularly. i did, however, find another job i'd like in washington d.c. i think it makes sense to have organizations that do national social science research located in the MIDDLE of the country instead of off in one little corner. apparently not.

do you think, if i went to graduate school, that i would inevitably come out looking down my nose at people who haven't? i think one (of many) hidden motivations for getting an advanced degree is that i don't like it when people look down their noses at me. i wonder if that's a good reason or not.

it is time, my dear.

posted by renee 10:32 AM


Bloggity Bloggity Bloggity


Image Hosted by ImageShack.us


09.2002 10.2002 11.2002 12.2002 01.2003 02.2003 03.2003 04.2003 05.2003 06.2003 07.2003 08.2003 09.2003 10.2003 11.2003 12.2003 01.2004 02.2004 03.2004 04.2004 05.2004 06.2004 07.2004 08.2004 09.2004 10.2004 11.2004 12.2004 01.2005 02.2005 03.2005 04.2005 05.2005 06.2005 07.2005 08.2005 09.2005 10.2005 11.2005 12.2005 01.2006 02.2006 03.2006 04.2006 05.2006 06.2006 07.2006 08.2006 09.2006 10.2006 11.2006 12.2006 01.2007 02.2007 03.2007 04.2007 05.2007 06.2007 07.2007 08.2007 09.2007 10.2007 11.2007 12.2007 01.2008 02.2008 03.2008 04.2008 05.2008 06.2008 07.2008 08.2008 09.2008 10.2008 11.2008 12.2008 02.2009 03.2009 09.2009 01.2010 01.2011

my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!