Saturday, October 30, 2004
everyone else, go out, have fun, don't come back until two in the morning... or the second two in the morning, because it's the longest halloween of your life.
i will sit in my empty house.
wet clothes of mine are spinning around getting soapy in the basement.
a skein of yarn slowly is becoming a scarf.
a social theory book is glaring at me from across the room.
and it is more silent than usual.
but i am wearing a sequinned tiara with my pajamas. and i don't care who sees me through the windows.
posted by renee 7:12 PM
Thursday, October 28, 2004
per micah's request:
"Excellent paper- very well written and insightful. You did a great job of using the relevant course readings and materials (except in the section on culture/identity) and this was a pleasure to read."
i have lost all faith in the system. if i don't stop getting away with this soon, i'm in trouble.
posted by renee 3:55 PM
Naturally, as time has passed, the way the world works has changed dramatically. I would argue that in general, the bureaucratization of institutions, both private and public, has only increased, even measured by Weber’s specific criteria. It is easy to see how electronic data storage and dramatically improved communication capabilities have facilitated the gravitation of institutions toward this more “efficient” method of operation.
or at least that's what i have to say to make you give me an a. but really, i don't care. and you should also know that your class has been excellent motivation to hone my ability to waste time rather than get work done. in fact, the only reason i'm sitting at my computer right now is that the heating pad that is tied to my aching back is plugged into the wall, effectively keeping me stuck in a four foot radius of my desk. also, you should know that i am wearing melon-tinted aviator glasses while i'm writing this. it is my silent rebellion.
posted by renee 1:19 AM
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
i just watched the thriller video for the first time in forever. pretty fricking good song. and michael jackson in his younger days was indeed an incredible performer. but why the obsessive fan worship? and why does is seem like that video is something of a biography... except now he looks like a monster all the time. ugh. makes me shudder. if i saw him in real life, i would scream.
posted by renee 9:05 PM
Monday, October 25, 2004
someone i don't know just commented on my secret blog and it felt very much like she was violating my privacy. that is hilareous because when you write things on the internet, you should expect that people might find them and read them. particularly when you belong to a blogring.
my best friend abigail marie shepard left me a message randomly this afternoon just to say she hoped i was having a nice day. she would be the best girlfriend ever except for the fact that she's probably too good for you, whoever you are, faceless reader.
posted by renee 5:35 PM
Saturday, October 23, 2004
blah blah blah
whine whine whine
brag brag brag
posted by renee 5:58 PM
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
no, you don't understand. i REALLY don't want to write this paper. in fact, i can't think of another assignment of this magnitude (see: relatively small) that i have avoided with such vehemence ever before. i want to lay on my fully made bed and stare up at the ceiling and listen to music for four hours. but if i do that, i know i will still end up writing the dang thing because i'm under this compulsion to succeed. i was thinking today that there is not a single time i have simply not completed an assignment through my entire college career.
why not? who cares?
school owns me. that's why. i desperately want to graduate.
posted by renee 9:37 PM
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
i'm cheating and going back to old entries rather than writing something new today. but this passage has always seemed to me to be the most apt description of the way i see the world.
“Do you always do what you like, Miss Beddingfeld?”
“Usually,” I replied cautiously. To anyone else I would have said “Always.”
“I pity your husband,” he said unexpectedly.
“You needn’t” I retorted. “I shouldn’t dream of marrying any one unless I was madly in love with them. And of course there is really nothing a woman enjoys so much as doing all the things she doesn’t like for the sake of some one she does like. And the more strong-willed she is, the more she likes it.”
“I’m afraid I have to disagree with you. The boot is on the other leg, as a rule.” He spoke with a slight sneer.
“Exactly,” I cried eagerly. “And that’s why there are so many unhappy marriages. It’s all the fault of the men. Either they give way to their women – and then the women despise them, or else they are utterly selfish, insist on their own way and never say ‘thank you.’ Successful husbands make their wives do just what they want , and then make a frightful fuss of them for doing it. Women like to be mastered, but they hate not having their sacrifices appreciated. On the other hand, men don’t really appreciate women who are nice to them all the time. When I am married, I shall be a devil most of the time, but every now and then, when my husband least expects it, I shall show him what a perfect angel I can be.”
Harry laughed outright.
“What a cat and dog life you will lead.”
“Lovers always fight,” I assured him. “Because they don’t understand each other. And by the time they do understand each other they aren’t in love anymore.”
-The Man in the Brown Suit
posted by renee 7:36 PM
Monday, October 18, 2004
hello grey cloud of undefinable emotions.
you make me want to scream
or sigh, maybe
not because there's something wrong
on the contrary, nothing's wrong at all
except the edges of things are blurring
and my mind is surprisingly blank for all this stimulation
and i never wash off all my makeup at night
so there's always a little left in the morning
smudges of black under my lashes
and that's about the only way i can think to explain it
posted by renee 11:52 PM
Bill Gates makes $189,777.16 an hour.
I make $9.97 an hour and will be lucky if I ever make $189,777.16 in two years.
Or three years.
But being poor is good.
posted by renee 4:19 PM
Sunday, October 17, 2004
a moment in my weekend made this 2001 entry seem worth repeating
the smallest step into october air
envelops me in crispness uncompared
and dappled clouds do so enchant the rays
of sunlight on these muted autumn days
they feather oh so lightly and so far
between the earth beneath me and the stars
and yet provide a covering in full
for what's behind: a blue impossible
which as a striking setting does surround
the harmonies unfolding on the ground:
red and yellow leafy boughs aflame
enticing feelings that i cannot name
the only aspect i would yet improve
would be to momentarily remove
the reason writing finds necessity
and rather have you standing here with me
posted by renee 11:07 PM
dirty black hair, flecked in reluctant gray, spiraling down to his shoulders from under an old stocking cap. a leather jacket decorated with emblems of a motorcycle company and an unfortunate german political party of seventy years past. bad teeth. long facial hair. steel toed boots. a scaryfriendly grin. a double barrelled shot gun with a kickback that could knock me down. a dried up cornfield in rural wisconsin. and crazy uncle brian gives me some insight into t along with a smokey attic bedroom filled with expensive computer recording equipment and an anal retentive alcoholic with a passion for helping at risk youth.
plus, it turns out i'm a good shot. i kept the target if you want to see.
posted by renee 7:21 PM
Saturday, October 16, 2004
i woke up this morning in a random boy's apartment in eau claire, wisconsin. so many girls have woken up here before and wished they hadn't...
i am not quite that type.
instead, i am happy, although it is below freezing outside. a preview of december, for your october enjoyment.
and a few minutes from now, i will shoot a gun for the very first time.
posted by renee 8:41 AM
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
i work on the tenth floor. inevitably i have bjork or the faint in my ears as i'm standing in the lobby waiting for the elevator. i have a hard time standing still and by the time it finally comes and the doors close behind me, closing me off from a world that doesn't understand, i dance around like a madwoman until they open again, 100 feet higher in the air. and you'd never know except there's a hint of a guilty smirk on my face when i walk past you in the hallway...
posted by renee 7:03 PM
yesterday afternoon i vomited for the first time in over a decade
yesterday evening i ate chicken for the first time in over a year
and this morning i overslept just like i do every morning
i had something interesting to write about earlier, but i forgot
maybe i'll remember later
posted by renee 4:13 PM
Monday, October 11, 2004
this is the fourth time i've started this post. i am losing my grip. i had this complex thought about how marx's explanation of the role of work in defining our humanity seems so abstract now and doesn't feel quite human at all. he says that the division of labor is to blame for our current alienation from our work. in fact, he would say that highly specialized labor makes work into an animal function (i would call it robotic- but the two are equally not human). in turn, our animal functions begin to seem more human to us- eating, sleeping, drinking, procreating (not necessarily in that order). and so then i started thinking about writing. i love reading novels or personal narratives that deal with someone's exploration of what those animal functions mean to them. trying to stay sane in a world where sex and eating and working are all ambiguous. but it seems like people spend more time trying to figure out the "animal" aspects of human life than putting meaning back into work, which we've all just written off as an unpleasant way we spend half of our waking hours in order to fund the ways we try to forget about it in the other half. and so people stopped writing about the nature of work and started writing about the nature of sex. and even though it's far more animal, it begins to seem much more human than the 9-5.
but then i got to that point and looked back and realized that i didn't have any idea what i was talking about. i hate it when that happens.
yesterday no one could have convinced me that it is a rational, positive thing to continue going to school. i don't want to do it anymore. i want to paint and cook and have a clean house and possibly watch a movie every now and then. that's it. but then i suggested to t that i quit school and he said "you know what? maybe you should." and of course the mere idea that dropping out was a real possibility sent me reeling and i started defending my decision to keep at it....
if you're still reading this drivel, go do something else. i am going to go work hard to have complete thoughts that follow a logical pattern from beginning to end. plus, i've been at work for 2.5 hours and have yet to accomplish anything really meaningful. ciao.
posted by renee 2:04 PM
Thursday, October 07, 2004
i am bright today.
the most put together uncoordinated person you'll ever meet
or something like that
i get to play my cello for worship tonight. it's been far too long. in other music news:
MY NEIGHBOR IS GETTING AN UPRIGHT PIANO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but i'm not excited or anything
oh, and i have decided to let my hair look like it wants to look. i think trying to make it conform to some outside standard of sleekness or bounciness or shininess or "perfect tousledness" is a waste of my time and it keeps me from looking how i really look. this was brought on by the fact that after i washed my hair this morning, i just let it air dry. i got some compliments on it, and considering other people's opinions matter to much to me, i have made up my mind. it has always seemed to me that other people get along with their hair better while mine is always out of control. i think it's because i've been trying to make it into something it is not. the war is over. my hair won.
i have to catch a bus in 6 minutes.
posted by renee 6:13 PM
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
wow. in the past thirty six hours i have taken two tests, written and given a two hour presentation and completed a take home essay exam.
i think my brain is going to fall out.
the best part is that last night around eleven, at which point one of my tests was still not studied for, the take home exam was not started and the presentation was not quite finished, i was suddenly overcome with a deep sense of relief and peace. that is supposed to come after everything is finished. it helps to fear that your very academic record will fall to shambles if you don't finish this project because it ups your adrenaline helps you finish. somehow i still managed to get done.
my summa cum laude is in the trash can and i don't care one lick.
i wish i was going to see the faint tonight. and i wish i didn't have to go to my next class.
posted by renee 2:17 PM
Monday, October 04, 2004
i have developed a distinctly unsatisfying relationship with my cat. perhaps she is going through some adolescent tension as she tries to adjust to her simultaneous desires to depend on her guardians as well as distance herself from them. as a result, most of our interactions consist of her coming up to my foot, and rubbing her face against it like she wants to be petted and then biting me when i try. what a brat.
in other news, i have more homework to do than possibly fits in the time i have available between now at 9:30 tomorrow morning. so i guess that means i'll just give up and cook myself an elaborate dinner and get a full night's sleep. my priorities are as straight as i want them to be.
posted by renee 3:15 PM