emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Saturday, September 30, 2006

a boy who never likes anything i bake demands that some of the peanut butter cookies i made last be sitting on his kitchen table when he gets home from work. he doesn't ask, he demands.

and i am both flattered and compliant.


posted by renee 10:28 AM

Friday, September 29, 2006

you know if i post twice in a work day i either don't have anything to do, or i have so much to do that i just can't force myself to do any of it.

you know those letters you have to type to log in to some things that are all warped so a computer can't spam you... well, sometimes i can't read them either. (also, i don't understand how a computer can randomly generate those letters, but another computer can't read them. if someone could enlighten me, that would be nice.)

my blog apparently sounds like it is ghost-written by zach braff. this was meant as an insult (although a semi-good-humored insult). but he gets paid lots more money than me and if we're saying basically the same thing, then i feel that life is cheating me somehow.

how i know i'm a total nerd is:

yesterday i microwaved a cup of water for tea for 2 minutes. it arrived at a certain number of degrees and slowly cooled off after that for a period of time until it reached the perfect drinking temperature.

this took longer than i wanted.

so then i microwaved my second cup of water for 1 minute, thirty seconds. and i really did sit and think about whether reducing the time of warming by 25% reduced the time of waiting by 25% and how it depends on the starting temp of the tap water and the temperature and humidity of the air around the tea as it's cooling and i kinda wanted to know the real answer to that question.

tonight i have a date with sam and i feel like making peanut butter cookies.

posted by renee 4:18 PM

my life is FULL to the BRIM with WOMEN to the point that when i see a girl my age in a suit walking with a group of men in suits, it almost shocks me.

and last night i took a long bath with candles and hot tea and a good book and yummy smelling things in different sorts of bottles.

but i still couldn't wake up this morning. work is getting to me in a serious sort of way.

or maybe it's that the delicate balance of my life really did depend on a healthy dose of testosterone exposure.

proposition to at least laura and brett and sam: we should have a dan chang party. anyone who loves dan chang should come. 'twould be a riot, i have no doubt.

posted by renee 12:59 PM

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

i opened a jar of applesauce at lunch today and ate straight out of it.

it's seriously two thirds gone now.

who eats a whole jar of applesause in one day? it seems kinda gross, but i guess if the ingredients in it are APPLES, WATER, and SALT, i shouldn't feel bad...

and i wasn't kidding about dan chang.

posted by renee 4:27 PM

i wish i could take three weeks off of work

i wish i could take my whole life off of work

or, at least, working here

umm.... does anyone know where dan chang is? he should call me.

posted by renee 10:19 AM

Monday, September 25, 2006

i have a great little brother.

he thinks.

most people don't.

i still don't like my micro professor, but he laughed at my joke about gas prices going down in election cycles today. i guess we're both dorks.

knob creek is good.

i HATE having money issues because it makes me feel like a failure as a grown up. (see: got way over-zealous with car loan payments hence calling for fulfillments of all outstanding debts on short notice.)

there is a boy who might become a problem. we'll see.

one of my roommates has an aunt who sleeps here on tuesday nights, but she usually doesn't get home until after midnight. we think it's because she's gambling.

my other roommate gives me recaps of what happened on prison break when i get home from my monday class. it is a ritual i very much enjoy. television CAN bring people together....

i overbooked myself AGAIN this week. but i have talked to ABBY, YILING, and LISA on the phone within the last seven days, and that makes up for it.

plus, i have four new myspace friends, so that when i log onto that particular internet service, i feel slightly more popular.

and that is worth a little something....

posted by renee 11:33 PM

(reading textbook) and (going to class) were always seen as equivalent by my undergraduate self. and as a busy person, two equivalent tasks therefore were also mutually exclusive. i almost always chose (going to class) because it, perhaps surprisingly, requires less effort.

apparently this has continued into my post-undergrad life. stupid economics. but i know i'll go, because i plan on getting through this class with the bare minimum of thinking.

grad school will be interesting, because i think they honestly expect you to do both.

uh... i'm in a weird spot still. i think the anxiety at work will start to diminish shortly, but i can't deal with this much longer. i wake up in the middle of the night and make lists sometimes. until this subsides, you can expect a distinct absense of blogs worth your while...

posted by renee 10:59 AM

Sunday, September 24, 2006

and the thing that struck her about mister potato head was that his features were totally... interchangeable....

and it was a happy birthday for my lovely roommate
we rode horses NOT in the rain and ate until almost bursting and watched sketch comedy and loved sam

tomorrow i am going to work, but i have hope that much will be accomplished.

in the meantime i am going to bed.

posted by renee 1:35 AM

Saturday, September 23, 2006

sometimes when you get hit on, it makes you feel beautiful
sometimes, someone else could say something identical and it would make you feel ugly

there is no logic to it at all

women are a great mystery. it is strange to be one and still not understand.

posted by renee 12:54 AM

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

i totally stockpile office supplies

in my cubicle i have 273 pens (black, blue, red, pink, purple and the coveted green), 14 sharpies, a ream's worth of paper retrieved from the reports we print that for no good reason include blank pages, two dozen of each type of envelope, six boxes of staples and 14,728 paperclips.

those y2k crazies ain't got nothin on me.

posted by renee 10:17 AM

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

the perfect person for me to spend my life with would be someone who is

a. completely enchanted with the possibilities of life

b. completely disenchanted with the typical american's choice from amongst those possibilities (two.five kids, dog, three car garage, big screen tv)


-i am waaay too hard on myself sometimes. it's good to have people tell you to stop.
-i have decided that i do not like "the dismal science" and fundamentally disagree with its premise of how people are motivated. humans are different than animals and capitalism as it is correlated to natural selection should not be allowed to take its natural course, crushing everything vulnerable in its path. that it is generally not is a tribute of sorts to higher consciousness. due to this premise of mine, i butted heads with my micro professor who effectively said that he, an individual, believes that i, an individual, am paternalistic.

luckily this happened outside of classtime. i believe this shows that i am gaining some sort of maturity and/or discretion.

in other news, i'm still busy, not looking forward to winter, and as a result of both, drinking a lot of coffee.

back to work...

posted by renee 8:28 AM

Thursday, September 14, 2006

still awake

not sure why

my eyes are tired
my head is full

and i realized today that i was feeling more like a person

because of my increased responsibility at work

whereas, recently
i've felt
mostly dull and useless

and i thrive on an excessive number of duties
because it keeps me busy enough
that my natural human desire for purpose
is satisfied
(without leftover time for too many questions)


it must be
that i have still not mastered this LIVING thing
where you really exist
a three dimensional object
(mostly) fixed in time and space

if so many things from the outside of me
still matter
so incredibly much

however, it is nice to be distracted
from the other dull and useless place
where i have been sitting
so much


posted by renee 12:24 AM

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

i'm a slippery slope kinda girl.
if the whole house is clean and then i don't wash my dishes, the whole house will very soon become messy.
if i make one wrong choice in the morning (SNOOZE times X+1) then i will likely continue to make wrong choices (eggs! coffee! mascara!) and be very late.
if i ignore X1388 voicemails at work, i will soon ignore my X1688 voicemails at work and the X1626 voicemails that someone else is taking off for me but can't answer will also get left behind. soon i will stop answering my personal cell phone as well.

right now, i have slipped and slid into near oblivion. behind on everything at once (bills, X1388, X1688, X1626, emails, personal phone calls, personal emails, personal mail, professional mail, knitting projects,

...and then the unfinished blog sits unposted for two hours while i get my dresser fixed, eat dinner, make a trip to see some friends and give input on a website design...


posted by renee 8:47 PM

Sunday, September 10, 2006

busy and
shy and bold
filled up and empty
untapped, untested
quiet, sad
with things to hide

er... rhyming aside, i have rediscovered factoring quadratic equasions and i like it a lot. i wish i could take the GRE for a living. it's great when you have days when you seem to get along with everyone very well. it's great to conquer things you usually give in to. it's great to talk to your grandmother. it's great to relax. this weekend, my roommates and i nested.

some people disappear from your life and you are relieved, but then they show up again later, usually, and it's awkward.

people that have the potential to show up again that would be instead of the enjoyable sort:
dan chang
michael j
anhie + baby

here's to them


here goes another monday of having two jobs at once. i already spent a half hour checking voice mails from the weekend. deep breath, i can do this....

posted by renee 11:04 PM

Monday, September 04, 2006


posted by renee 10:42 AM

Sunday, September 03, 2006

it's nice when people from your past come to the surface of your memory and almost simultaneously surprise you with an encouraging word from a thousand miles away.

and i seriously can't get over the lyrics to this song. makes me want to fall in love...

here in the dark
i won’t even make a spark
you’re the only one who’s never seen
the way i can light up in shades of gold and green

i’m just a little firefly
i wanna shine for you, but i’m too shy
so when you come around, i hide my light
when you go away, i shine for you all night
all night all night
i shine for you all night
all night all night

out there in the sun
i’d open up for anyone
you’re the only one who closes me
cause i wanna be the brightest thing you’ve ever seen
i’m just little dandelion
i wanna blossom, but i’m scared of tryin
so i hide my head when you come into the room
when you go away, i come right into bloom

and i can’t look down
cause i’m way to high
i can’t look up
into your eyes

well, i never was afraid to sing out loud
in front of anybody, any crowd
you, you make me lose my nerve
feel like something more than i could ever deserve

i’m just a little humming bird
i wanna sing, but i can’t find the words
so when you come around, i just go still
but after you’ve moved on
when i know you’re gone
i sing for you the way i always will
i will i will
the way i always will
i will i will
the way i always will
i will i will
the way i always will
the way i always will

- kris delmhorst

p.s. it is sometimes very surprising when someone who is remarkably beautiful on the outside is also remarkably beautiful on the inside. it is also surprising when someone who is very strong is strong enough to be vulnerable.

and when both those surprises are found in the same person, it can make the world seem a place full of promise even on a day when nothing feels at all like the right thing.

posted by renee 7:57 PM

Friday, September 01, 2006

i had twelve hours of training to do a fairly complicated 40 hour a week job which i am now completely independently responsible for on top of my other 40 hour a week job.

40 hour a week job + 40 hour a week job i am not adequately prepared for = no blogging and relatively little sleep.

but today's my half day, and even outside of work, i've been busy. started a class, got ready for the big cd release show in eau claire tonight, had a couple of necessary and satisfying conversations and at least one really good hug.

i think if i got enough good hugs, i could work 100 hours a week.

tonight: rock star time
labor day weekend: likely spent mostly laboring.

posted by renee 8:52 AM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!