Wednesday, February 25, 2004
today my favorite band is hey mercedes
on saturday it will be engine down
and on monday, march eighth, it will be mr 1986
if only i had a vehicle to spirit me down to iowa....
i talked to my parents on the phone for an hour last night and i had three pepper hummus for lunch (red, yellow and jalapeno). things are good.
now to finish this valentine....
posted by renee 11:51 AM
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
i like sleeping better than anything else. when my alarm goes off in the morning, i want desperately to stay in bed. inevitably i press snooze several times and then i finally realize that i needed to leave 10 minutes ago and stumble downstairs, into my coat and out the door. and by the time i finally get to go to sleep at night, i feel like i've been waiting all day for the moment when head meets pillow and rosie thomas sings me to sleep. makes me feel pathetic, but it's true. i will certainly not change the world this way.
but today i don't care as much about changing the world as i do about getting homework done so i can give m my full attention come thursday at midnight. velvet dresses and frozen ponds and rock shows and scrambled eggs done the right way. sounds good to me.
posted by renee 4:30 PM
Sunday, February 22, 2004
i seem to exist in mostly fragments. if i had to describe the state of my heart in one word (which i did have to yesterday) i would choose "turbulent." but i'm getting used to that. the feeling i long for most is peace. i have certainly experienced moments. hours even. perhaps whole days that escape my memory now. and i have peace because of my confidence about my ultimate destiny. but on a day to day basis i lose it. then a late night conversation with a friend who lets me be sad brings a glimmer of God's love shining through the muck. i used to believe that too many of my pleasures were of the shallow variety. i like touching and smelling flowers. i like folding the cover of an old soft paperback all the way around and stirring dinner with one hand while i hold my book in the other. i like tapping my fingers to the beat of the music in my headphones on the bus. i like it when i see other people likewise entranced by sounds the rest of the world can only wonder at. i like multicolored push pins and new sharpies. i don't think i need to be profound in my joy. most of my fragmented turbulence would fade if i stopped trying to explain it or solve the nebulous equasion that is my thought process. people are complicated. so i'm going to look back at photos of my roommates when they had different haircuts and different lives. i'm going to put chai mix in steamed milk and fold the cover of my paperback all the way around and read until my eyeballs fall out. that may be sooner than i think...
posted by renee 11:36 AM
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
i'm getting too cocky sitting in my safe liberal nest. too quick to the punch. when mr. libertarian starts a story about a talk he heard on a conservative radio show, within seconds i'm on a mental defensive. luckily this time i kept my mouth shut. the discussion was about "why women reveal themselves" and the show host had a theory that because the feminist movement removed everything feminine from women, they have to somehow reassert themselves this way. and there was some comment amongst them about how before the feminist movement, the sexes were equal, which is apparently obvious to anyone with a shred of sanity. then the movement took it a step past "equality" to "sameness." so evil evil feminists came and took away women's ability to display their womanliness in the form of cooking and cleaning and therefore forced them to take their clothes off.
fantastic, chris. fantastic.
he may have even had some valid points, but i was too furious to hear them.
i TRY to be neutral sometimes. but when girls take crap like that from a guy who says "guys are just naturally way more confident than girls, that's all..."
well, i get a little upset.
but often i'm wrong. and often that wrongness gets pelted in m's direction. sigh.
posted by renee 9:17 PM
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
today professor mazingo said "why don't you tell me what you really think."
people say that to me a lot.
posted by renee 3:25 PM
Monday, February 16, 2004
so my thought swim on, in no particular order, through the watery maze in my head. and like slimy fresh-water fish, they are interesting to watch, but trying to catch one and dissect it would be distinctly unpleasant. that's enough of that analogy. i am picking up extra shifts at work and got $100 from my nice dad for spring break. my sweet boyfriend waited outside to apologize to me at the wrong coffee shop for 45 minutes yesterday and i wasn't even mad. he likes rolled gold pretzels. my roommate rachel has a very infectious silly voice. my house is big and costs a lot to heat. homework. food. reading. zempelo or zemplo? weekend in eau claire making lo-fi recordings...
sometimes it seems like everything is wrong in the world. profit is our only motivation. inequality is rampant. prejudice rules. people are killed for diamonds or oil or political objectives. God is ignored. but in my little life i can believe sometimes that most everything is all right. profit isn't my only motivation. i am trying to be aware of inequality. i work to dispel prejudices in my own mind. i've never killed anybody. and i realize that i still ignore God sometimes and that it has an injureous effect on my health. it's a matter of time and effort and growth. i feel distant from myself sometimes and want to drown it out by listening to music or some other sensory overload. and i want to call abby and micah and lisa and yet i must write a paper. i wish i knew how to work ahead. i wish i wasn't in a constant state of up or down.
plateaus might be nice. nicer than having to work to go up all the time in order to not go down. work work work.
seriously, though: zempelo or zemplo? which is better?
posted by renee 7:57 PM
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
to bed far too late, to rise far too soon
my trek to the bus by the light of the moon
my stomach is empty and cries for attention
to satisfy it is my current intention
and then, to my head! o my unhappy head
it resents hours of wakefulness- so, then abed
if reading this poem has yet to explain
I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY AND GOING INSANE
but it's under control thanks to socialization
caffine solves all problems in this fast-food nation
my delirium deepens, perhaps in due time
this blog will completely be written in rhyme
sad how long it took me to write that. i'm taking a nap.
posted by renee 10:48 AM
okay, so my theory is full of crap. yesterday at work, every boy was cute somehow. today, i was at my sensitive peak. light hurt my eyes and looks hurt my feelings. it's supposed to be more week by week, less hour by hour. stupid stupid rollercoaster. anyway, i'm selfish and i'm going to bed.
posted by renee 12:55 AM
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
so it seems like a lot of people think that learning to say those two important words (i'm sorry) or maybe a set of three (i was wrong) is the way to fix relationships. if you can learn how to apologize, you will be much better off. but what about people who apologize too much? what about people who take the blame when it's not theirs? i have a roommate who can turn everything her boyfriend does wrong around to be her fault. if he grinds the gears in his car when they're driving together it's "i always make him do that." if he uses the shower in the guest bathroom and the drain plugs up, it's "i should have let him use ours instead." i remember noticing myself doing that when i was with my family driving around the twin cities. everytime i said it would be a left turn and it was actually a right turn, i apologized. every time i navigated them into the wrong lane, i said "i'm sorry." and even after i noticed, i couldn't stop. i probably said "i'm sorry" 15 times during the drive. i do it every day. but somehow at the same time, i'm always playing the blame game. making it really not my fault. GAAA!!!!! what is this incessant perfectionism that makes me shudder at every hint of criticizm and balk at every thought of fault but still feel sorry every time i make the smallest mistake? this i know: when i'm tempted to use expletatives in my apologies, it's better to not make them at all.
posted by renee 4:13 PM
Monday, February 09, 2004
review the following blocks to listening. check the two with which you most identify
-identifying- you take everything a person tells you and relate it to your own experience. this means you are not giving attention to the other person.
-sparring- you debate with people. the other person never feels heard because you are ready with your beliefs and preferences.
-advising- you don't have to hear more than a few sentences before you are ready to "fix it."
-rehearsing- you don't have time to listen because you are trying to figure out what you are going to say.
-placating- you want to be nice, kind, and supportive. you want people to like you, so you are preoccupied with yourself and what you are communicating rather than the other person's story.
-digressing- you are half listening, and something the other person says triggers a chain of private associations.
i'm a bad listener. ha. funny that the only one of those things i don't do is placate...
posted by renee 12:57 AM
Friday, February 06, 2004
a better "to do list"
call me ambitious, but that's 39 countries. i've currently visited 10 of them. that's not bad. 10 countries in 20 years? so if i visit another new country every two years on average, i should make it. and even so, that's less than 20% of the countries in the world. i think i need to get into a different line of work. like the kind that pays money, maybe. hmm.... gives me chills just thinking about it.
also: happy valentine's day in the form of pink/red/white m&ms.... hooray for moms.
posted by renee 4:58 PM
Thursday, February 05, 2004
WORK OUT MORE READ MORE CLASSICS BE KINDER WORRY LESS DO LAUNDRY EAT HEALTHY WEIGH LESS DON'T MAKE SPELLING ERRORS FURTHER MY CAREER BE MORE POLITICALLY AWARE WORK HARDER DON'T PROCRASTINATE KEEP THE HOUSE CLEAN BE ON TIME DON'T FORGET WORK APRON BE SMART WITH MONEY PAY ATTENTION TO MUSIC CHARGE CELL PHONE GET COMPUTER FIXED READ THE BIBLE MORE BUY TOILET PAPER PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE NEED MAKE THE BED WATER PLANTS BUY FRESH PRODUCE LEARN HOW TO COOK NEW THINGS DRINK LESS POP EMAIL PEOPLE BACK ON TIME PRAY MORE DON'T HURT PEOPLES FEELINGS "REMEMBER TO BRING A HAND CALCULATOR ALWAYS TO THE LECTURES" DON'T FORGET BIRTHDAYS EAT FEWER ANIMAL PRDUCTS CALL LISA CLEAN THE SINK WASH MY FACE EVERY DAY BRUSH TEETH WASH HAIR LOOK NICEMAKE BLOG ENTRIES GET TO KNOW MY SELF BETTER BE LESS SELF CENTERED ENCOURAGE MICAH TAKE THINGS LESS PERSONALLY GET UP WHEN MY ALARM GOES OFF THE FIRST TIME WEAR A HAT BE SENSITIVE TO RACE ISSUES BALANCE WOMEN'S LIB WITH REASONS TAKE CARE OF THE ENVIRONMENT DON'T FILL MY BRAIN WITH HARMFUL IMAGES BUY PEOPLE UNEXPECTED PRESENTS PUT EFFORT INTO SCHOOL WORK MEET WITH MY ADVISOR GET AN INTERNSHIP AN APPLE A DAY SAVES MONEY IN THE END HATE MICHAEL POWELL GO TO YOUR CAUCUS DON'T BUY KRAFT PRODUCTS LOVE MY ROOMMATES LEARN NEW THINGS EVERY DAY DON'T LOSE PENS CALM DOWN
no wonder i end most days feeling like a failure
give it up, renee, just give it up
well, yeah, but usually that one's on the bottom of my priority list. after i do all those listed above, then i will give it up. sigh. i will learn, i promise, but it will not happen overnight, that i also promise. i'm going to go eat and feel guilty about it now. peace out.
posted by renee 3:20 PM
Sunday, February 01, 2004
the difference between the right words and almost the right words is the difference between lightning and lightning bugs.
posted by renee 11:33 PM