emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

going through trying to organize the excessive amount of drivel on my computer, whether class related or otherwise resulted in a wasted evening and the rediscovery of this, which is still so true:

My jones says go easy, be moderate and patient
This is not at all within my nature
I am firey
Sometimes a quality indistinguishable from an all out explosion of uncontrollable flames
I am not on fire
I do not need to be put out
In fact, I like it this way

posted by renee 11:43 PM

and now conviction leads to unfaltering action
i have resolution this morning
perhaps simply because i finally got enough sleep
and on thursday, i will get to play piano again
sometimes it feels like i'm living for thursday

posted by renee 11:27 AM

Sunday, September 28, 2003

i was not ready...
There you are
I want to talk to you
But I won’t
Please talk to me
I miss you
Please talk to me
Please talk to me
This hurts

posted by renee 3:09 PM


I revel in "Before the Throne of God Above"

There are not words to express the rapture I live on the brink of

Someday I will dwell in a place where all pain and shame will disappear

and all perfect moments will cease to be momentary

and I will no longer be grounded.

And with this joy in mind, I have no excuse for my passionlessness
but also no condemnation for it



posted by renee 1:45 PM

Friday, September 26, 2003

i had this friend once
and then he started dating this girl
creating his unconventional success story
from the inside out
and now he's gone
wandering the world
i had my fun, now i'm left behind
is that always the way it works with boys?

posted by renee 11:17 AM

Thursday, September 25, 2003

"come see the softer side of sars" - seth mccauley

posted by renee 11:42 AM

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

short talk with uberconservative laissez-faire loving neighbor calms my nerves
i don't want to become unimpassioned about issues that may really matter
but i also don't want to be passionate about something that doesn't
i am perhaps too weak to resist the liberal propaganda they smear all over campus

it was pointed out to me tonight that i am one of those people who, when someone tells a story, i follow it with my own story. maybe i like to have the last word. maybe i'm just self-absorbed. maybe i have some sort of sick narcissistic love of my own voice. regardless of the cause, it's uncomfortable. i'm not VUNERABLE i'm just VERBAL. everything that comes into my head comes out of my mouth. i'm that girl in class who talks too much. dang it. an uncomfortable turn of events, to be sure. i know the one- the one you can't stand talking to because no matter what you say, they try to one up it. i don't think i'm really all that bad, but the fact that i could even have that tendency and not realize it is scary. sigh. blame it on the extended american adolescence i've been socialized into... or don't. 'fess up, make it better, move past it.

posted by renee 11:42 PM

don't even read this
i am in the right major
i cried in my mass media and politics class today
a video on noam chomsky and his political bent
a shot of a seven year old screaming in fear trying to protect her baby brother in timor
as indonesians run through the tribal regions of their country with weapons jimmy carter sold them
with his famous smile
and black and white footage of hundreds of bombs falling on inland cambodia
from american planes
in a totalitarian government, the leaders hold a bludgeon over their people
they don't care what anyone thinks
when democracy removes the bludgeon, elites resort to other methods of control
according to chomsky, about 80% of us are only expected to obey orders and not think anyway
but for the few that pay attention, more than half of the media is owned by 6 conglomerates
or does it matter to you? do you care?
while i am sitting in my living room, thinking about what i'd like for supper
we only get involved if there's money
this makes me sick
but that little girl... she kept screaming
not even words, just an open mouth and eyes closed as tight as she could
i've never even heard of timor
i can't get enough air
my chin is still quivering
i am reacting
i need to look into this
i need to calm down
but all 80% of our country wants is a bigger fucking SUV

posted by renee 6:53 PM

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

there is no fine line between insanity and transcendence. instead it is a thick, obvious line. the problem is that it's impossible to tell which side you're on until the bitter end.

posted by renee 10:14 PM

Monday, September 22, 2003

it's one thing when your hair's still wet when you wake up
today, my mouth still tastes like toothpaste from before i went to bed
another day in the life of an average college student, eh?

posted by renee 6:02 AM

Sunday, September 21, 2003

i think it's funny that people worry about having "healty hair"
it's dead.
your hair is dead.
i use such-and-such shampoo because it gives my dead hair a healthy shine.

posted by renee 2:07 PM

Saturday, September 20, 2003

amazing how two hours of long distance vibrations between two best friends can eliminate so much confusion
i feel better

posted by renee 11:54 PM

my self-worth does not depend on other people
this is how we set our hearts at rest in His presence:
for God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything

this means that the dark days mean less, as do those with more light
that when i am sitting comfortably, surrounded by friends, i am not more significant
and when i am a mess of wet cheeks, red eyes and the horror that i have again been a disappointment
i am not less

God is greater than my heart
and He knows everything

my potential and the failure to meet it
my convictions and the lack of action resulting
my longing to repent and the subsequent repetition of the sin

and yet his reason for putting me, an empty vessel, on this planet
is because i am capable of bringing GLORY to Him

my creator is lovely
His world is a reflection of his beauty, yet a weak one
my creator is loving
His people reflect that ability to love, yet they cannot possibly match it
my creator is more than i can see or understand
i want to know more

if i really understood how much he loves me
i would be different than i am

posted by renee 4:03 PM

Friday, September 19, 2003

whatever i did to piss off whoever is doing this, i'm sorry
i seriously don't get why you're messing with me
i'm not worth your time, i can guarantee it
please leave me alone

posted by renee 11:23 PM

Your pirate name is:

Mad Anne Read

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Even through many pirates have a reputation for not being the brightest souls on earth, you defy the sterotypes. You've got taste and education. Arr!

posted by renee 11:59 AM

a perfect rainy day
the kind where most people seek shelter and i walk along the edge of the washington avenue bridge with my chin up
a drop lands in the corner of my eye and trails down, off the tip of my nose
i taste it
not salty, like usual
other raindrops follow the wet path of the first
it's always easier to come second
the road prepared for you ahead of time
the lovely black stillness of the mississippi's rage enthralls me
both for its power and for its control over that power
both for how it reflects my mood and yet distracts from it
and the thick, moist weight of the water in the air over downtown hides the tops of buildings
so i repeat "put away your umbrellas"
there is no room for them in my movie life

posted by renee 12:52 AM

Thursday, September 18, 2003

you know something is wrong when you go to bed at 11 after taking a shower and your hair's still wet when you wake up
it's going to be a long day

posted by renee 4:42 AM

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

i was sitting on the last seat in a row of four along the side of my bus this afternoon
this was fine with me until a man slightly too big for the available space made his attempt to join us on the bench
i played rolley polley and sucked myself into the smallest space i could fit in, my arms pulled in front of my body
it was almost worse that way
his soft warm arm right against me was the most violating feeling i can imagine
there was no reason for me to be so repulsed, but i felt closed in
every time the bus would break, he would move gently into me and i wanted out
as soon as there was an available seat back further in the bus, he relocated
and i felt bad for being so obviously uncomfortable with him next to me
but i really couldn't help it
it's okay now, though, because i watched two episodes of futurama tonight
and then i talked to chris hill, my uber conservative friend, for a good hour
he failed to convert me, however, but our friendship is less wavery now
weeks of banter without actual talking can make things precarious
all is well except for the piles of homework looming in front of me for monday
where i must prove that the media DOES affect american values, and that it DOESN'T
in either 10 minute formal debate form, or 6 page paper form
sometimes college seems very silly to me
but sometimes i get subscriptions to the new york times and realize that i'm growing up
so maybe it's worth something after all
.... nah.....

posted by renee 12:44 AM

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

with my help, dagney just caught a fly
in her mouth
and i could hear him buzzing in there still
she doesn't have her big cat teeth yet
and now she's hopping in spastic laps around the livingroom
i don't feel like being vulnerable on the internet today
the comment war from friday was seriously seriously not cool
whoever did that ruined my day and my dad's
and is not funny

posted by renee 10:00 AM

Monday, September 15, 2003

yesterday instead of doing something productive like studying or attending a screening of "bonhoffer," i slept for three and a half hours and dreamed that i was lying in bed in my house, which i was
what a waste of time

also, my cat often attacks things that aren't there and sometimes she helps me type
time for school

posted by renee 8:32 AM

Friday, September 12, 2003

i have been laughing all day long
last night we all planned our perfect mornings
and then i laughed until 1 am
today i drug myself (drug, not drugged) to class
spoke german to pedro at work
(our resident mexican who often has to be reminded what "gracias" means, for some odd reason)
then i went to class all fired up and therefore hilareous
apparently i'm an extrovert
then i made a brand new acquanitance into a friend by asking him if he spends most of his time laughing at the world under his breath
he does
then i laughed at my own profane jokes out loud all the way home
and had a cookie
and now i'm using the internet on my front portch and the weather is perfect
perfect perfect perfect

i'm loud, i'm funny, and dang it, everybody likes me

last night i could have dug deep and been profound, but a happy day makes such things much too hard. i am not deep today, just happy, and laughing at the world under my breath with alex.

posted by renee 5:40 PM

Thursday, September 11, 2003

i love mornings off. out of the house by 7:15 on the bus downtown to the farmer's market for at least a pepper and maybe fruit... come home with three bags. chop up everything in the refridgerator and sautee it in oil and balsalmic vinager... eat and listen to bjork... smile all day

posted by renee 12:07 PM

i am sitting on the bottom step in the mudroom so that i can steal the wireless internet from next door. awkward, yes, but the novelty of just sitting around, not attached to anything, perusing the world wide web is too much to resist. i think i should go to bed so i can actually get up to go to the farmer's market tomorrow at 7. early early... but i have been working on the same green pepper for close to two weeks now. it's starting to get mushy. mmm... farmers market it is. uh... some days i don't feel like writing anything that matters. i thought all day. i'm tired of thinking.

posted by renee 1:01 AM

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

forty five minutes at ten cents apiece
three snot filled kleenexes
and i am unattached until christmas
so i hang up the phone, collapse and weep
and don't really know why
which is refreshing
all this introspection has not succeeded in making me more human
it has the opposite effect
the extent of my detachment is disturbing
but i still am screaming on the inside most of the time
"how can you possibly sit there and talk about the color of your dining room chairs and the expense of new blinds over your eight dollar sandwiches for TWO HOURS?"
"mom, do you realize that by leaving a third of your cracker dense soup in the bowl, you are forcing your daughter to leave half of hers?"
"maybe if you didn't just put six creamers in your coffee YOU WOULDN'T BE SO FAT"
but no, on the outside, my heart appears to not be in any of it
or worse, it APPEARS to be worn on my sleeve and is not
regardless, forty five minutes and three kleenexes later, i am post decision and start to realize what it means

posted by renee 2:16 PM

Monday, September 08, 2003

i am the kind of girl who can't help but laugh out loud when the two men in front of me, who happen to be wearing identical green polo shirts and identical black "man-sachels" slung over opposite shoulders, choose flanking staircases and march at identical speeds down a story. then, when they reach the bottom, they head off in opposite directions, their black bags swinging at their mirrored sides with agent smith-like precision. then, at the first kiosk i see, i plant myself at the keyboard to write about how at business school, they must have a professional walking course. as if anyone but me would care.

other than that, my life is far too social
as usual,
i am insane and growing more insane every day
oh yeah
and our internet still doesn't work

posted by renee 9:03 AM

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

My heart would hear her and beat,
Were it earth and in an earthly bed;
My dust would hear her and beat,
Had I lain for a century dead;
Would start and tremble under her feet,
And blossom in purple and red.
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Maud 1855

posted by renee 12:14 PM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!