emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

in prague
things are cheap here
coming home soon
see you in a week, kids

posted by renee 9:53 AM

Sunday, April 27, 2003

in austria, the z and the y on the kezboard are switched. i think i will just keep tzping like i normallz do. german is an uglz language. that is too bad, because a lot of people speak it. i am out of italz. and i think that the scenerz and niceness of people in swityerland and the ones i have come across here means that if i do another long staz in another countrz, it would be one of those sooner than italz. plus, the air here is amayinglz clean. ha ha ha.... this is almost unreadable. also, this space bar sucks almost as much as jim's.

posted by renee 1:55 PM

Saturday, April 26, 2003

leaving florence tomorrow morning
hardly seems real
i am sad that i had to give my cell phone back
dang technology for being so darn useful
i almost catch myself saying to micah "i miss you when you're gone"
but it's never him that's gone
it's always me
i'm coming home, though
good good good

posted by renee 5:11 AM

Thursday, April 24, 2003

i never call when i'm still mad. i always cool myself off first, letting the truth that there is probably a logical explanation sweep over me. but sometimes i really want to. i want to throw a fit and scream and be unreasonable and not listen to excuses. i want to fight and maybe i want him to fight back. maybe i even want him to win. you'd think i was a woman or something.
good thing for everybody i have enough sense not to believe myself when i get like that.

someone brought my wallet back to the bakery i always go to. of course they dumped everything out and took my money and my credit card and then stuffed everything else back in random corners, but i can't complain. i have my senior pictures and my license back. oh, and i discovered in the last couple of days exactly what that bus pass meant to me. florence is bigger than it seems.

now if only my two favorite pieces from my art class turn up... happiness will be mine... wait... that's dumb. sometimes i let myself fall into the trap of "if only.... then i will be content"... an unfortunate fallacy. if i can't be happy with what i have at this moment, i will never have enough.

posted by renee 5:29 AM

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

i nearly forgot. this is a warning. no one else is allowed to get married. no one. ever. stop it. now! you think i'm joking. but seriously my "big brother" from high school who told me through my tears once that i would be the perfect wife... of course not for him : ) is engaged. so are jasonbrunottaaronloyadamnunandreaandmichaelcodyithinkandwhoknowswhoelse. becky, anh and maralee are already done in and off fricking sewing curtains or having babies. it's like i live in a small town or something. I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE BUYING CHINA FOR MY FRIENDS. carmen, stay strong and stay long. and don't forget the bet.

posted by renee 4:05 AM

sophomorehood: the year of theivery
don't you hate it that when something slightly icky happens to you, you sit and agonize about the little details of what would have made it less of a problem? so my wallet gets stolen in a very un-subtle, un-clever way yesterday, while lyndsey and i were sitting by the arno with our shoes off talking about life. and my first instinct is "i never carry my senior pictures of people in my wallet with me, except this week. i never carry both my debit and credit cards with me, except today. i should have bought my train tickets earlier this morning, like i planned to, so i wouldn't have to borrow that extra €200 from lyndsey's generous mom's credit card. i almost liked my drivers license picture that time." but i don't cry, because what good does that do, until i get to school to cancel my cards and they say, "it's okay, you can cry, it's good for you, just let it out." so i oblige and then am on my way. after all, it's just stuff. and perhaps this is just another lesson in perseverance.

also, reading books about very depressed people doesn't make me depressed in the same way that they are, but it does make me depressed that there are such people. if that makes any sense. i really want a piano.

florence: city of guitars and cellos, all behind glass or on someone else's back, and the sound of pianos floating down from windows, completely untouchable. there seriously are a ridiculous number of musicians here, but they all seem to play guitar and cello. weird.

posted by renee 3:48 AM

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

i had an interesting easter.
went to church in the morning and sat searching the depths of my brain for my italian "religion" vocabulary
then i went home and stared at the wall, not feeling like eating.
following an hour of complete unmotivation, i was forced into party preparations.
a fantastic spread of meat and cheese trays, macaroni salad, sandwiches, stir fry and a pasta dish. and then out come the special K and rice krispie bars (mmm).
oh yeah, and the alcohol. and the weed, i almost forgot. happy four twenty, happy easter. happy fricking party 'til the neighbors from downstairs come pounding on the door. and i sit taking in the spectacle, or escape to the kitchen to do dishes, or am interrupted by a transatlantic phone call. and finally everyone clears out, except for the random thinks-he's-so-cute londoner who's sleeping on the couch. and i cry in the shower and then go sit on the balcony in the rain until my toes get numb, watching the water collect on the clothesline and drip... drip... drip... down into the courtyard. i can see the light pollution leaking over the buildings opposite us.
and it seems obvious to me that if humans have this incredible capacity for emptiness, that there must be something to fill it.
don't cling so desperately to your depression and sense of purposelessness just because you know it's all yours. don't wallow in it just because it is your choice to do so.
because maybe, just maybe there is something bigger than you, and maybe just maybe you weren't meant to be in control.

posted by renee 5:54 AM

Friday, April 18, 2003

those whose wisdom is imaginary enjoy the favor of judges similarly qualified

and the inertia of alcohol is disturbing. a bunch of people not having that much fun start drinking and some of them start thinking they're funny. then the rest realize that in order to also think said people are funny, they must get more drunk. LONG ISLAND ICED TEA FOR EVERYONE. and they all stand around doing the party-mingle dance and laughing at things that aren't funny because they can't remember what's funny anymore. i really just don't get it. so i go home instead of sitting around trying to pretend like i also think it's funny. and the most depressing thing is that this is what they call "having a good time" and they will probably continue doing it their whole lives.
i like other things and i don't need to excuse myself for not partaking in your silly games, thank you very much.

posted by renee 5:35 AM

Thursday, April 17, 2003

ho finito
non mi piace andare a scuola quando ho fatto male nella mia esame il giorno prima
perche la mia professoressa non è felice quando siamo stupidi e facciamo sbagliati stupidi
ho finito
non importa ancora
andiamo al bar
ciao a tutti
don't you dare put all that into some free online translating program and then leave a correction of my italian in the comments box, nate twedten i'm talking to you

posted by renee 3:26 AM

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

got a reservation for a prague hostel
bought more presents (they don't fit in my suitcase)
i like talking about things that matter
i'm sick of people telling me that that makes me mature for my age
if it does, it shouldn't

i seriously feel like i have the best friends in the world
some here
some in minnesota
some in texas, georgia, illinois, nebraska, virginia

i am becoming very much the kind of girl who buys fresh flowers for herself
and goes to outdoor food markets
and burns incense and candles while listening to icelandic music and thinking
if that makes me a hippie, so be it

thought of yesterday: i am not anxious to come home, but i am not dreading it
perhaps that is because i am not running from anything or finding comfort in something that i don't carry with me everywhere i go. if that is true, i feel like i have conquered a demon or two. feels good.

note: notice new incapability to keep blog entries on one track for more than four lines. incongruant, yes. reflective of my true train of thought, most definitely.

posted by renee 7:07 AM

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

i have been communicated to by members of my home country more in the last few days than i sometimes am when i am in said country. cool.
thought: God is who he says he is and that matters
another thought: there are going to be eight people sleeping in my apartment this weekend. none of the extras came to visit me. : (
borrowed thought: sometimes your strength is your greatest weakness (jacob was finally conquered... have you been?)
borrowed question: have you ever deliberately manipulated someone?
i believe i have
that's a little disturbing

posted by renee 5:52 AM

Monday, April 14, 2003

hmah (say it)
yesterday i sat in the sun
bought sausages and consumed them
and some other things (surprises, ha ha ha ha)
talked to parents on the phone for an hour
i remember in middle school when parents were the enemy
and i would walk fifteen feet in front of my mom so it didn't look like she was walking me to school
and sometime in the last threeish years i started to appreciate their company
strange how that happens
note: $31.44 in my checking account
i generally like people today
except old italian men who brush up against me unnecessarily behind me
(which i ignore until...)
they brush up against the next girl unnecessarily
oh yeah. i went to prato with a bunch of italian kids on friday night. picture me, a half finished beer in front of me on the table, standing up on a bench being silly with matteo to a cover band doing villiage people and that one song from moulin rouge.... and in some ways it was the weirdest thing ever. (note: i hate beer) but for some reason, it clicked with me as just living. it was like i had a moment when i was fully immersed in italian culture without realizing it. just life... i could live here. it wouldn't be some big dramatic "cool" thing. it would just be life. oh. hmmm. who woulda thunk it. i don't know if that makes any sense.
by the way. i'll see some of you in three weeks. whoa.
um. so that was even more random.

posted by renee 6:47 AM

Friday, April 11, 2003

it's raining in florence and i am gradually regressing from my usual bouncy kangaroo self back down to slothhood.
my roommates are plotting to dye my hair because "it's something to do."
ben folds says "everybody knows it sucks to grow up" and i don't know if i believe him or not.
my whole life so far has been spent growing up and i really don't have anything different to compare it to.
my friend brandon is the kind of person who will make a little velociraptor noise while sitting next to you and look over to see if it made you smile at all. if you can't supress your laughter, he will proceed to make the noise again, and louder. this spirals up until he is dancing around the room like a dinosaur and you are cracking up. he lives for attention and his presense make everyone else in the room reach a new level of immaturity... but we secretly enjoy it...
have you ever wondered how much they pay to print M&M on each little candy covered chocolate piece?
it seems like it would be cost prohibitive.

posted by renee 6:00 AM

Thursday, April 10, 2003

last night an international business project session brought out an interesting belarussian perspective that i wasn't really expecting. my roommate olga has been frustrated lately about how little we care about our education (a bad attitude heightened here because of how little it matters for the all-else-aside-degree-seeking-student). for her, learning is a coveted good which is in very low supply where she comes from. her family lives in a tiny apartment with a public bathroom and they can only splurge on fruit for holidays. the belarussian people are starving to learn and some of them are starving for real. and here we are with our big beautiful libraries, our distinguished faculties, and our nearly limitless opportunites and we don't care. in fact, we almost resent it when someone tries to teach us something because it infringes on our real lives....
i think learning is important and life is important and they should maybe go together more than we let them.

posted by renee 4:38 AM

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

i am a kangaroo with chameleon inclinations and venus fly traps in every corner of my house
and you are a zebra with a lemur hanging from your dashboard
it's a jungle out there

posted by renee 9:08 AM

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

fragmented thoughts sparkle around the edges of my mind like glass shards from so many broken bottles. i can hardly see through the vague shimmer to the world outside. it's this hazy, floating feeling where none of my ideas ever solidify enough that i can make sense of them.

yeah, and i went to cinque terre this weekend and it was beautiful, as expected. the hike felt good... there are five little secluded fishing villages and the paths between used to be the only way to get from one to the other (until the beginning of the 1900s, that is). and now they're just a wild hike, getting easier as you go from Monterosso to Riomaggiore. lovely.

posted by renee 2:49 AM

Thursday, April 03, 2003

i like peeling off the foil from chocolate eggs slowly, careful not to tear it
and then i use my thumbnail to smooth out all the little aluminum wrinkles
perfect shiny rectangle
plus, you get to eat the chocolate egg

also, i went back and read a few old entries just for kicks
and realized how incredibly vain and self-absorbed i can be
and felt entirely undeserving of my grand slew of friends
i got creative mail today: english and italian
all caps
and just when i thought i never wanted to go home
suddenly the old pang appeared for a moment
and i realized that in 33 days, i will be ready after all
it's raining this weekend
i think i'll stay home

posted by renee 7:14 AM

nate takes interesting photos
so does nate
nate's in china until summer

posted by renee
2:33 AM

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

feeling happily defiant
this is my most dangerous mood
i want to smirk and provoke you to violent anger
stirring up dissention is not a good thing
but it's such a rush sometimes
today i will walk around laughing in the face of the world
because no matter how hard they fight me, i invented the game, i make the rules, and rule number one is "i win"

posted by renee 5:31 AM

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

Uh... hi everybody. Um, my name's Renee and I... well... I mean... [deep breath] I have the Avril Lavigne CD... in fact... wow this is embarrasing... I paid money for it... yeah... i even like it...

[in chorus] "Hi, Renee"

posted by renee 8:41 AM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!