emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

“There are always those that say, ‘You can’t do it.’ There are always
those that say, ‘No, no.’ ‘Now now.’ ‘Go slow.’ ‘Wait awhile.’ There are
always those that say, ‘Well, we used to do it the other way. Let’s
continue.’ Had we listened to the voices that guard the doors of the
past, we wouldn’t have any America.”

–Hubert H. Humphrey, October 31, 1966

i go to that guy's school.

this is apparently the theme of my current thoughtlife: "tradition?"

last night we attempted to hash out the difference between liberal and conservative ideologies.
the liberal said "conservative=fear of change; liberal=change is necessary"
the conservative said "liberal=defaulting to legislation, conservative=not making new laws unless it is really necessary."

anybody know anybody who works in anything remotely associated with housing or economic development in vancouver? i really want to go there next summer. i'd like someone to pay me to do it.

posted by renee 11:25 AM

Sunday, October 28, 2007

on your side you have reason
and against you
you have just a vague, fat, blind inertia

may God bless you
or whoever it is that is alone to see the best
the highest possible
in human hearts.
you're on your way to hell, howard

-from rand

there is a question for which i have no utterable answer. but i feel it. in my bones i feel it.

it is uphill at this point, and possibly for quite awhile. but at the top of the mountain will be something, if only a different way of looking at the same problem, from above it. maybe then there will be words for it. i imagine that the distruction of all this human pride and self-satisfaction is the necessary outcome.

if tradition is pitted against lofty reason, i fear them both equally.

posted by renee 10:57 PM

Saturday, October 27, 2007

in and of itself
is absolutely not a good enough reason
for things to continue to be as they are or have been

i am sure of it.

also: kevin, i have adjusted your link to be less insulting.

posted by renee 12:01 PM

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

what a beautiful thing
shelf after shelf of dusty volumes
---mostly ignored now
----in favor of glowing, locationless, clickityclackity solitude
but still heavy
demanding to take up real space
to be matter
to matter

wandering through the rows
it is overwhelming
-the absolute necessity to speak
--to push around, forward, back
about whatever
dewey decimal leaveatraceofmyself
because your carbon
will get stolen

it will become not you

but your ideas
your putting of words in some order
-notes in some rhythm
--colors in some shape

may never die, may continue speaking long after you are motionlessrecycled

so six million volumes of fear-of-death pack the dirt below tighter tighter
while the flesh of authors flies in the belly of a crow
falls in the leaves of autumn
mulls around in my brain
lands as dust on someone's most important legacy
and matters

posted by renee 10:16 PM

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

listening to mum
confusing my brain by simultaneously adding stimulants and depressants in liquid form

my personality twin bought me lunch
my tallest roomate made me dinner
my shortest roommate repaid her backrub debt
my mom sent me cookies and hot chocolate mix and it arrived on exactly the right day

so even though tomorrow i have a final worth 70% of my grade and a midterm for which i've taken 7 single spaced pages of notes that i must now memorize

i sure can't complain :-)

and i might just make my decision about when to begin sleeping based on when the beer bottle's empty rather than when all the formulas have been put on notecards and name/date combos have been read over again...

now i remember. this is what school is like.

[EDIT: i did originally spell simultaneously like this: "simultaneiously." hmm... hope my 4.5 hours of sleep got me at least a better grasp of the english language than that by morning....]

posted by renee 12:27 AM

Sunday, October 21, 2007

today on NPR, Oliver Sacks was interviewed about his new book, Musicophelia

he said that musicians have VISIBLY different brains than non-musicians. that you can see it with the naked eye.

that you cannot tell by looking at the two pounds of stuff in someone's head if she is a genius or an idiot, a painter or an engineer, a socialite or a recluse, but you can tell if she makes music.

i must say that i'm not at all surprised.

posted by renee 10:02 PM

Friday, October 19, 2007

adam dissed my blog on his blog
i have two options
declaring blog warfare
or undertaking the first redesign since 09/02
perhaps it is time for an update

except: i figured out a bunch of html back then and did it all by hand. now i've replaced that skill with some less dorky ones and am therefore mostly useless.

anybody have photoshop and some procrastination they need to do?


posted by renee 11:20 AM

Thursday, October 18, 2007

found this today, by dave goetz

What about Me?

On Good Friday late afternoon, my family and I traipsed over to our church for a “prayer walk.” We herded our three kids through a series of rooms dimly lit with images and crosses and candles, as we attemped to remember the darkness of that day. Our kids are 11, 8, and 6.

One of the last stations was our semi-darkened and empty sanctuary, where we sat near the front watching PowerPoint slides of the Passion of the Christ. The slideshow was on a loop and set at several-second intervals.

One slide looked to be a pencil sketch of the crucifixion, with Jesus outstretched on the cross. Right before the slide appeared, my oldest had asked me a historical question related to the Passion, and it led to a wonderful teaching moment. We whispered back and forth for a minute or so. But then the slide appeared, and Christian said, abruptly, “He had a nice six-pack.”

Christian was referring to Jesus, of course. The six-pack was Jesus’ tight abs, as rendered by the artist.

I couldn’t muffle my giggle, his comment so random, outrageous, pre-adolescent.

To the wonderful pre-pubescent and adolescent mind, everything is about me, myself, my self. There is no “other,” there is nothing that is “not me.” Everything is part of me and about me. I see Jesus on the cross and his body and his abs, and then ruminate on my abs and think it would cool to have abs like his.

The same is true of the adolescent spiritual self, which much of modern religion, especially that of many suburban churches, tends to perpetuate. Everything is about me. My heroism to save the world. My attempts to keep promises for God. My personal spiritual journey.

My sense is that we all struggle to break through the adolescent cocoon of Christian spirituality, the wonderful phase when we love God for the gifts of God and the ideas of God and the theology of God. But we haven’t yet learned to love God for God, because that would mean that there is something Other in the world that is “not me.”

posted by renee 12:18 PM

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

anybody wanna go see the darjeeling limited on friday at 7:30 at the lagoon?

k. see you there.

posted by renee 4:11 PM

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

sooo..... girlfriend interview turns out to be grossly formal and pre-emptive move to reject me.


"we should get together sometime and talk about 'us' "

("and how there is no us and how i hope you understand that")

i spent all day trying to imagine changing into the kind of person it would make sense for him to want, the pretty little wife. i am glad that i didn't have to take a perfect-on-paper life from dangled in front of me and throw it out the window in hopes of retaining true selfhood or vice versa.

[and to think, yiling, if six months ago he had just once said "by the way, you know i just want to be friends with you, right?" i could have called to find out your funny story of the day. sigh.]

newly confident that: if i am ever to stand facing someone in a white dress in front of a crowd of the people i love, i want the look in the eyes of the person standing across from me to show that he is RELIEVED to be marrying me, not merely SATISFIED.

sleep will be peaceful.

posted by renee 11:59 PM

following graduation, i have 3 reasonable options:

1.) return to the fabric covered box, likely in the form of a government job, from which i would receive fantastic health insurance, a generous retirement package, and daily compounding cynicism.

2.) some sort of "analyst," "specialist" or "manager" non-profit job, from which i would receive fulfillment and section-8 eligibility.

3.) a phd, from which i would receive more letters after my name, a poverty-level stipend, a sense of self importance, and free afternoons for the next 5 years.

clearly number three is preferable. however, in order to get my phd, i'd have to choose a discipline which is not public policy. as of yet, i am not satisfied that any of the options both MATTER and ARE ABLE TO SAY SOMETHING TRUE.

sociology has too many caveats.
economics makes unrealistic assumptions.
math is pretty, but doesn't help anybody's life.
geography is too broad.
political science is too narrow.
business (per jordan raney) has more cons than pros, considering it's all just made up.

so i'm going to have to make up my own field, i think. getting to it presently.

(thinking about this instead of the impending interview with a head hunter for the position of "girlfriend" because i have no idea what i will say despite my sense that the answer is of immense importance.)

posted by renee 1:36 PM

Sunday, October 14, 2007

amazing how little studying goes on in study groups. but i think laughter and peach cobbler make up for lack of productivity. i just hope my harvard phd econ professor agrees.

posted by renee 11:27 PM

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

a pre-emptive love haiku

bunkers on mondays
you can find lots of good men
"music producers"

said i was special
or at least i think he did
it's loud in here. what?

gave him my number
he called past ten. "don't answer"
says caller id

posted by renee 11:56 PM

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Organizational Culture and Learning, Edgar Schein, 1992

Basic assumptions. . . tend to be those we neither confront nor debate and hence are extremely difficult to change. To learn something new in this realm requires us to resurrect, reexamine, and possibly change some of the more stable portions of our cognitive structure . . . Such learning is intrinsically difficult because the reexamination of basic assumptions temporarily destabilizes our cognitive and interpersonal world, releasing large quantities of basic anxiety.

Rather than tolerating such anxiety levels, we tend to want to perceive the events around us as congruent with our assumptions, even if that means distorting, denying, projecting, or in other ways falsifying to ourselves what may be going on around us. Culture as a set of basic assumptions defines for us what to pay attention to, what things mean, how to react emotionally to what is going on, and what actions to take in various kinds of situations. Once we have developed an integrated set of such assumptions, which might be called a thought world or mental map, we will be maximally comfortable with others who share the same set of assumptions, and very uncomfortable and vulnerable in situations where different assumptions operate.

1.) i was just talking to my friend matt about this the other day, and here it is in a book.
2.) i am not getting a degree in psychology or philosophy or anthropology or sociology, but apparently public policy is like all of those, or at least someone thinks it is.
3.) there are a lot of people in my life who operate under vastly different assumptions. that is probably why i am generally confused. i still mostly think that's a good thing, although apparently not for my "cognitive structure."

OH - and REGINA SPEKTOR wins all the prizes. Again, the venue (the Myth this time) was gross, particularly the parking lot packed with idling SUVs following a thundering cheer in response to an RS off hand global warming comment.

But honestly, she sat up there, all by herself, with minimalist piano, banging a drumstick on a wooden chair and singing her heart out, and we were mesmerized. She needed nothing else to sound full.

On The Radio

this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you gotta take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some-someone else's heart
pumpin' someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it won't get harmed
but even if it does, you just do it all again

However, she did wait WAY too long to come out for the encore, (which was four songs long and involved a beatboxer) and saved "Samson" until very very tormentingly last.

posted by renee 12:59 PM

Friday, October 05, 2007

1.) riding your bike when it's 75 degrees in october and you live in a city you love is a very good idea

2.) per conversation with kevin - is it better to pretend to be happier and more spiritual than you are, or to pretend to be more disillusioned and miserable than you really are? (hint: your answer to that question can be found in your itunes "recently played" playlist)

3.) my class had to elect a 1st year rep to the student association. (yawn...) there were three candidates, a woman and two men. the two men tied for number of votes. they had an additional vote as a tie-breaker. the two men tied again. so they're having a debate. to see who gets to be 1st year rep...

keep in mind we've been in school for only 4 weeks and no one knows either of these guys from adam. we're a bunch of proper little bureaucrats already.


posted by renee 12:12 AM

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Identity Crisis

Suit jacketed
Shined shoes
Reading the Wall Street Journal on the subway
I am exactly what you’re looking for:
--------Well read, articulate, a drinker of fine red wines

Gauged earlobes
Dreds flying as you skateboard down University
I am exactly what you’re looking for:
--------Anti-establishment, vegetarian, patron of seedy pubs

Flannel clad
Steel toed boots
Harvesting the bounty from the long summer’s sweatings
I am exactly what you’re looking for:
--------Pragmatic, hearty, dedicated, a lover of big dogs and old trucks

Clay smeared
Art schooled
Taking wordless thoughts and making them into something
I am exactly what you’re looking for:
--------Passion, shape and color squinter-at-er, content to be the muse

Running shorts
Heath food
Plotting out goals, pushing yourself to meet them
I am exactly what you’re looking for:
--------Label reading, calorie counting, weight lifting, vitamin eater

Bible reader
Speaking truth
Stepping back from the world, what goes in is what comes out
I am exactly what you’re looking for:
--------Convinced, motivated, humble, repentant, hymn harmonizer

Becoming a regular rainy day coffee house dweller. The usual?
I am exactly what you’re looking for:
--------Introspective, serious, easily moved, no sugar, no cream

Will you please stand up?
The real me
Is waiting.

posted by renee 1:53 PM

Monday, October 01, 2007

You keep discovering new things
Never sleeping ‘til the breakthrough
You want to name them after yourself
You want to never disappear

We spin our arms wild around
We knock all these buildings down
Broken glass and shards of stone
Cover the ground, cover the ground

You keep uprooting and moving
From places and people and machines
You want to over and over create a new self
The old to be forgotten

You are not brave enough to speak
You are not brave enough to speak
You are not brave enough to speak to me

We spin our arms wild around
We knock all these buildings down
Broken glass and shards of stone
Cover the ground, cover the ground

All this pretense of permanence
It was filth on their tongues
But if this doesn’t last, then what have we done?
If it doesn’t hold, we’ve nothing to hold on to

We spin our arms wild around
We knock all these buildings down
Broken glass and shards of stone
Cover the ground, cover the ground
This town will never be the same
We will remain nameless
But you will feel us forever, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever

posted by renee 9:27 PM

dear LCD Soundsystem: drum antics are distracting, but ultimately do not make your songs less boring. for five minutes, we might have been fooled. after thirty, you gave yourself away.

dear Arcade Fire: you already have a lot of members. i was wondering if you'd like another? or maybe if you wouldn't notice a stowaway? i want to be régine when i grow up. she plays the drums. that's hot.

dear Roy Wilkins: you suck. your beer sucks. your ambiance (lack thereof) sucks. your excessive security guard presense sucks. your all-ages policy sucks (10 year olds? really?). your stage is not high enough off the ground. your lack of box-office hours is ridiculous. if that band wasn't so good, you would have zero of my dollars.

Wake Up

Somethin’ filled up
my heart with nothin’,
someone told me not to cry.

But now that I’m older,
my heart’s colder,
and I can see that it’s a lie.

Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust.

If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little god’s causin rain storms turnin’ every good thing to rust.

I guess we’ll just have to adjust.

With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am goin’ to be
when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.

With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am goin’
With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am go-goin’

You better look out below!

posted by renee 12:28 PM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!