emancipated dissonance from the desk of renee ann

emancipated dissonance

Wednesday, May 31, 2006


posted by renee 10:37 AM

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

the swingyness of my moods is getting out of control. one minute i am full of joy, the next, brimming with despair. and i'm quite certain that neither is particularly accurate.

this weekend, boys cooked dinner for me two nights in a row
i wrote another in a short line of four-digit checks
one house was emptied of decorations, furniture, and finally, dust
another was filled with boxes, futons, and fully made beds
and i sweated and bruised myself and drove my new car around with the moon roof open

and an old man died who wasn't exactly my grandfather, but close enough that i still feel bad i can't be around.

so i'll just wrap myself in an old familiar song
and the sunshine
and the rest will fade away

posted by renee 12:58 PM

Thursday, May 25, 2006

a series

i know a girl who is extraordinarily beautiful
when you say just the right thing
her eyes twinkle
and her laugh
makes you feel like a million bucks
but usually
she makes me nervous
so i say just the wrong thing
and i think i understand how boys feel

a building
with a carved marble slab over the door
"telephone building"
in a serif font
and on the stoop
telephone books
a dozen or so
damp from the rain

on a day when i resent my job
i get on an elevator with a cart of files
next to a middle aged man
in work boots and jeans
carrying a ladder
the doors close and he looks over at me and says
"you have a great job"
i roll my eyes and make a snide remark
but he says
"well, it's better than mine"
and i realize
that i am blessed

this tiny black fuzz ball of a cat
(not unlikely to be killed by curiosity)
examines the perimiters in his cardboard box cage
he jumps and misses
tries another angle and misses again
and eventually escapes
(helped by his muscle to weight ratio)
i pick him up after awhile
but he has too much energy
and decides
to jump off my lap
back into the box

(and just now he put one itty bitty paw on my foot and looked up at me as if he wanted to get my attention)

posted by renee 9:33 PM

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

yesterday a boy said to me
“last night she told me she doesn’t think i appreciate her”
i asked
“do you appreciate her?”
he said
“beats me”

and today, a list of boring tasks feels like another insult to my intelligence and value, on top of yesterday’s pay cut.

posted by renee 3:32 PM

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

i can certainly not be expected to keep up emotionally with all these external stimuli.

it's time to get a new job.

posted by renee 8:34 PM

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


i left a strange partial sentence in my last entry because living life got in the way of writing about it. as it should.

what a week. my abbygirl has gone and taken the world by its tail, it seems. or at least new york.

i ate very well, which was marvelous.
(magnolia bakery cupcakes, like sugar clouds)
(caravan of dreams, dreamy indeed)
(boyfriend-baked-bread, DEE LISH)

and me and that girl
we didn't run out of things to talk about for six days straight.

and the weatherman
he was
wrong wrong wrong

i wish i could always be on vacation

posted by renee 8:40 PM

Friday, May 12, 2006

some thoughts on airports:
1.) they are like the paranthetical statements of large cities, necessary but not really a part of the rest. although locals make up a if i hadn't gotten to fly standby on an earlier flight yesterday, i would have started to worry that i have spent more time awake in ohare airport than in the rest of chicago. that's probably an exaggeration, but i'm looking for justification for going to lollapalooza in august....

2.) they are totally impersonal. i had the feeling while sitting in the bathroom, listening to the noises of people coming in and out, and all of them in a terrible hurry, that i could stay in there for hours and no one would notice.

3.) whoo hooooo! i'm in nyc!

posted by renee 7:15 AM

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

today i
packed up
cleaned up
locked up
my office

tomorrow i
sit on a train
sit in an airport
sit on a plane
sit in an airport
sit on a plane
sit on a bus
sit on a train
to brooklyn

the met and moma and miriam
and abby and gabe and a snake
and indian food and vegan food
and covertly visiting grad schools

and imagining living only ONE train from abby instead of two planes and three trains

if you're bored during the day tomorrow, call me. i'll be wandering ohare, where i've spent some of the longest hours of my life. i hope i don't forget anything important.

posted by renee 9:55 PM

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

1. there is something about the experience of seeing sigur ros live (which is now redeemed for me) that is a very important piece of how i might explain myself if i had to try. i could maybe put it into words now, but it seems to cheapen it.

2. i leave for new york city in 47.5 hours and counting.

3. i'm weary of wanting. but the only way to overcome it is to DO (not GET).

p.s. if you are feeling sick and you ask me to do something, i will TOTALLY do it.

posted by renee 11:00 AM

Monday, May 08, 2006

yesterday was full of cooking, yoga, the library, and a dinner party that, if i do say so myself, was a smashing success.

--it's nice to realize how many great people you know.
--at yoga, during a forward bend, i noticed a piece of parsley on my toenail.
--cooking can bring me out of the foulest mood. especially cooking with music on loud in the background.
--i'm totally trying to accomplish too many things at once, and i know i'm going to miserably fail at at least one of them. the following must be completed within three weeks.
-----preparing items at work for me to be absent for two weeks
-----planning bridal shower (emails?)
-----wedding (four bridesmaids hair, wedding present, bridesmaid's dress)
-----miscellaneous parental holidays
-----somebody southern's birthday
-----visiting three graduate schools (email more faculty)and nycha
-----having a new york vacation (switching flight?)
-----moving out of my office building and into a new office building (may 22)
-----moving out of my house and into a new house (may 28)
-----cleaning up after a year of living in old house
-----buying a vehicle (securing loan, purchasing insurance, licensing vehicle, passing written test to obtain minnesota driver's license, adjusting finances)
curling irons/hair gunk
black dress
black shoes
cell phone
cell phone charger
ipod charger
library books (the secret life of bees?)

posted by renee 8:47 AM

Sunday, May 07, 2006

we're moving out of our house in three weeks and there is a ping pong table we inherited upon moving in that we don't have room for in our new basement...

anybody want a ping pong table of relatively poor quality? a brand new net and some paddles and balls would be included... we would just reserve the right to come play occasionally...

c'mon... you know you want it...

PLUS: there is a small black kitten in the hood of my sweatshirt. it makes me think of emily and her rat. his (her?) name was mister sparkles. he had a stroke and died at the manvel house, which, by the way, is STILL for rent! ha ha ha ha ha ha

i'm going to make a greek feast with my friends this evening and drink some greek beer and/or greek wine. hooray for people who are going to have babies.

p.s. how do high-altitute recipies translate to low altitute cooking? i think i might stick with my tried and true recipie instead.

posted by renee 10:47 AM

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

a revision to the theory on gym-goer-narcissism

while frequenters of your local work-out emporium may very well become somewhat narcissistic over a period of time due to desirable changes in their bodies, there is very often a corresponding increase in insecurity related to number of work outs. this is due to the phenomenon of the "hot gym girl." when she walks in, all heads turn. males for obvious reasons and females because, in general, they are there because they want to mold their bodies into something more ideal. "hot gym girl" represents this ideal and likes to flaunt it by purchasing name brand spandex and wearing sweatproof eyeliner and lip gloss to exercise. most often, her most envied attribute is her chisled abs, which she reveals on purpose because she knows that they are flawless. she comes to the gym every once in awhile just for the ego boost and her actual work out is only a secondary motivation. really, she can't even help having those abs and she of course always claims that she can eat whatever she wants.

i'm not sure how the effect works with men, but you know that no matter how big those biceps get, somebody else is going to walk in and show you up eventually.

so overall, the effect of regular gym attendance depends significantly on a person's level of competitiveness. if you're constantly on the lookout for someone who looks more like a magazine cover than you do, the experience will likely be detrimental to your self-esteem overall.

on the other extreme, you become a lout who flexes while directing someone to the drinking fountain and glances at yourself in the mirror while doing so.

it is late. i just watched hustle and flow. you know, i think it probably really is hard out here for a pimp. or whatever.

posted by renee 11:22 PM

at work i have a jar of applesauce and i eat straight from the jar at my desk.

i like blackalicious, but by any other name, they wouldn't be quite as sweet.

because we are moving offices, we've hired a moving company. there are lots of big men around. this is amusing, because my office is 90% women.

casey says that everyone who works out regularly is at least a little bit narcissistic. it begins with watching themselves progress as it is reflected by changes in their bodies. eventually, when a person starts achieving visible goals, they're just admiring themselves, really.

they do have a lot of mirrors at gyms, in general.

posted by renee 9:47 AM

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

balancing act

i will never be a good wife if i cannot let go of some of this emphasis on
-what i deserve
-what i want
-what i need
-what i am owed
-what is fair

however, i need to hold on to enough of that to choose a good husband.

that sounds relatively impossible.

posted by renee 9:29 AM

Monday, May 01, 2006

those squirmy worms
with their salt-grain brains
when those wormies squirm
out on the sidewalk, when it rains

where do they think they're going?

those birdie lunches
out on the concrete, drying
when the birdie munches
they're baking, chewed, and dying

where did they think they were going?

posted by renee 8:58 AM


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my band(mates)
thomas built the wall
casey on the drums

other friends
joa jean
nate t
nate b
the MAN i hate
my ex-neighbor

some i wish were my friends

music i listen to
band of horses
zoe keating
rilo kiley
(jenny lewis)
mr 1986
regina spektor
iron & wine
the new pornographers
radio on
the combo
emiliana torrini
sigur ros
nickel creek
trampled by turtles
the hold steady
the decemberists
del the funky homosapien
death cab
tv on the radio

the guys that review it
jason (in a kilt)
peter c

and the places to hear it
the fine line
varsity theater
the 400 bar
first avenue

found magazine
my pottery teacher
my favorite designer
aesthetic apparatus
the friendly stegosaurus

railroad illusions
we'll go sit on a coal car
bask in the soft light
and dream of a someday
simpler than this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from fluorescent lights

we'll go lay on a rooftop
breathe in the sweet smoke
and talk of a place that’s
so far from this one

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from conditioned air

we'll get lost under covers
smile at our trite words
and fall for a vision
so far from the truth

take a walk with me tonight, my dear
away from complications
away from the flightless facts

LEMUR is the answer!!