i would do most anything if someone i trusted told me where to go, how to do it, and that it would assuredly make my future more secure. but that's not how it works. to be successful, you have to figure things out on your own and you have to take the initiative to make them happen.
i've started worrying on a regular basis and i'm fricking twenty-two. i am going to be just fine. if i stop thinking about it so much, i might even avoid the ulcer i already deserve.
ani difranco is good. drinking lots of water is good. spring is good. three girls spread across the country with keyboards in their livingrooms are good (for two of them, their livingroom is their bedroom also).
but knowing all that, part of me finds it romantic to be rescued at the last minute from a downward spiral. luckily, i'm too responsible to do anything about that.
because if you start the downward spiral part and then there's no one to rescue you, well, then you're stuck, aren't you?
posted by renee 8:56 AM
Thursday, March 30, 2006
it is completely beyond me why i've started to be so affected by the weather.
it feels like spring today, and i feel very springy indeed...
posted by renee 4:51 PM
caleb invented a new holiday. it occurs eclipsically. you gather friends and family and eat a feast with a theme of the part of the world where the eclipse is at its fullest. you may make toasts from that part of the world. you may sit in a hot tub. you may drink kenyan beer (bottled in california?). it is a gift-giving holiday, but you must open all the presents in the dark.
i am a proponant of the spreading of this holiday to the far reaches of the planet.
hickses are wonderful people, they are. on my way out, i said to the boy's mother "thank you again for the use of your home, and also for your son (sun?chuckle)" and she said "yeah, isn't he the best? i just love him."
and she meant it in the most wonderful has-nothing-to-do-with-the-fact-that-i-gave-birth-to-him-and-everyhing-to-do-with-him-being-great way.
posted by renee 8:44 AM
if someone really loved me he would go on walks with me engage in meaningful conversation with me like my stories tell me his stories cook for and with me love my chocolate-peanut-butter-chip cheesecake and ask for it on random tuesdays make things with me like a book shelf or a huge collage look up at the blue blue sky and dream of adventures across oceans with me look at me and imagine that life is perfect anywhere when we're together tell me about it
this kind of love is wonderful, also:
posted by renee 9:04 AM
Monday, March 27, 2006
new picture in the sidebar is blurry AND clashes with my color scheme. but i spent too many minutes altering, uploading various images to various places to get the resolution/size right and i'm not going to fix it anytime soon, probably.
i love girls (see: my roommates, my ex-roommates, crystal, best friends in far off states, yiling, etc). i love BEING a girl (see: going to menards with 5 gallons of who-knows-how-old paint and having them tint it - against the rules - for free). i love SUNSHINE (even if it's cold).
AND: since my senior thesis condemning this obsession with appearance, i have felt a little guilty about the recognition that I WOULD RATHER BE BEAUTIFUL THAN HEALTHY. yesterday, for the first time in awhile, i really honestly felt that might be changing. it feels good to feel strong and energetic...
LASTLY: i managed, more than once, even, to put basically my entire foot into my mouth yesterday. luckily, i have forgiving friends.
posted by renee 8:38 AM
Friday, March 24, 2006
last night i made banana bread and 7-grain honey bread. in the cookbook i used, at the end of the banana bread recipie it said
"banana bread must cool in the refrigerator overnight before serving."
the last instruction for the 7-grain honey bread was
"cool completely before slicing."
so i guess it kind of doubles as a joke book.
posted by renee 8:20 AM
Thursday, March 23, 2006
i am in love with bobby burgess's mind. he won't let anyone send him emails anymore and i REFUSE to use aim at work ever, which means not even once. so i guess he'll never know.
he, while on mushrooms, wrote a long page of "enlightened" examination of language. and in the middle somewhere, before he started getting more coherent he said:
"i understand plants i understand planets i understand plants i understand planets"
perhaps one might come to that same conclusion without the aid of hallucinogens, but perhaps one might not say it out loud... once i asked bobby why he does drugs. he was nonchalant. he said, regarding ecstasy in particular, that he does it for the way it makes you feel so connected to everything around you. once i asked bobby if he believes in God. he said "i dunno."
ALSO: i am not a feminist until i feel the weight of what has been pulling in a direction i wish not to go.
posted by renee 8:28 AM
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
a boy named ernest is teaching me how to make pottery.
it's just like ghost... except without patrick swayze and demi moore and so far no one has died and begun walking the earth as an apparition.
when he was going over the studio rules, he said that we can't come to class and do crack. we also can't be "sloshed."
he makes all his money selling the pots he makes. that's awesome.
i am open wide not afraid to show the truth about me not afraid to learn the truth about me but i worry sometimes that this risk taken too often might leave me laid bare the bad things with the good things for all to see and therefore alone
a part of me thinks that the truth is too ugly sometimes
and i remember holding a blue plastic tray with a fiestada and canned pears and a carton of milk and looking out at no friendly face next to an empty chair
and i remember locking myself in a bathroom stall and weeping in selfishness and then hiding in the dark winter and avoiding any friendly face that might ask questions
and i remember feeling safe and then feeling unsafe in rapid succession putting up a shield of anger and watching your face fall and my stomach sinking
these things i would do well to not repeat
posted by renee 11:28 AM
Monday, March 20, 2006
three months ago our landlord sent us a letter begging us to stay in his rental forever because we're the best tenants that have ever existed.
yesterday, our landlord came over and told us he's selling it.
BAH. i like my house. i do not want to move. i'm having a miniature hissy fit even now thinking about it. i wouldn't have painted my room if i knew i was only going to appreciate it for 7 months. forget you, doug belt. forget you.
posted by renee 9:21 AM
Saturday, March 18, 2006
this puppy totally just slept on me for an hour. the stones throw was at capacity on thursday night. trampled by turtles was great. they want to play with us again in the cities. the stones throw gave us a wad of cash and asked us back. we signed autographs and tom got kissed on the mouth by some girl he didn't know. we are rock stars, kind of... but i think, if i had to pick between living the show night again or living the last hour of puppy nap again, i very well might choose the puppy.
posted by renee 2:43 PM
Thursday, March 16, 2006
is it weird to eat bean salad with a metal spoon straight out of a gallon ziplock bag? (make it: black beans, corn, halved cherry tomatoes, finely chopped red onion in red wine vinegar/olive oil/black pepper/salt/basil dressing - hint: more GOOP than SOUP is BETTER)
frame one dilbert: a customer keeps asking when we'll deliver the stuff they bought. pointy-haired-boss: when will we? frame two dilbert: never. you lied to them to get their business.
frame three dilbert: you took their money and gave them nothing. do you know what that makes you? pointy-haired-boss: THE WINNER!
posted by renee 1:53 PM
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
i must like torturing myself.
yesterday was a full moon and everyone at work woke up with the maturity level of a five year old. they bickered. they were impossible. they were childish.
umm... i've started making multiple entries every day, and much of the time, each entry is about more than one thing. i wonder why.
ENTRY NUMBER TWO per A CONVERSATION YESTERDAY i would never date someone who asked me out a) after a show b) at a bar c) randomly in public, including bus stops, corners, etc. this is because i think that the best things about me are not obvious until you've at least had a decent conversation. if you are satisfied that you'd like to get to know me simply based on how i look or that i play instruments, i will be flattered, but not impressed. there are lots of cute girls. the kind of guy that's only looking for cute is not for me.
this really happened: thug at bus stop (tabs): hey, do you have the time me: yep. it's 12:15 tabs: what's your name? me: renee (oops) tabs: that's a pretty name. hey, you look like a nice girl. me: nope. i'm trouble. (double oops) tabs: is that right? well, i was wondering if i could get your number. i think i might like to call you sometime. me: um... sorry... no. tabs: you got a boyfriend? me: nope, and i'm not looking for one. (especially not at a bus stop and particularly not a thug boyfriend)
pause while bus arrives and we get in line. i am listening to my ipod and oblivious to the thug and his thug friend coming up behind me.
tabs: so, do you ride horses? me: umm... i have, but not for a long time. what kind of a question is that? tabs: well, i just bought a farm and i need to find somebody that can help me pick out some nice white horses. me (incredulous): where do you get your lines? (at this point, i drop my bus pass. this is the worst mistake i could have made as i have to bend over to pick it up. when i stand back up...) tabs: i think music played when you did that. how'd you like that line? me (walking away): i think i'm going to take that bus instead.
i am not joking. in case you couldn't tell, he did not get my number.
posted by renee 10:56 AM
i wish i had a digital camera. nothing but an image or a long string of obscenities could explain the scene outside my window this morning. if you are not here, give yourself a pat on the back for being smarter than those of us who still are...
a guy on the bus actually made me smile through my gritted teeth this morning when he got on and said "yeehaw, welcome to winter, y'all" really loudly..... but then a couple of minutes later he said "days like this'll put a dent in your constipation"
one beat
two beats
"concentration."
and then i started questioning his sanity and scowling again. the reason my back hurts all the time is because in the minnesota winter you have to walk like this:
on another note, last night we finished recording vocals for the demo, pun intended.
posted by renee 8:19 AM
Saturday, March 11, 2006
making tea in a teapot IS TO making tea in a microwave
AS
listening to a record IS TO listening to a CD
sort of
and
saw marc riboud at the mia. he says talent has nothing to do with it - it is disposition and work. he also says that seeing is not an easy thing. (he said these things with a french accent.) he took a picture he calls "Sad Woman and Sad Cat." he also took this picture:
in calcutta. he has been everywhere and knows so many things that i cannot fathom... and yet he said at the beginning that he doesn't feel like he should be up talking to people, but that he'd rather listen... i suppose that's how he got to know so much in the first place.
posted by renee 5:54 PM
let me just say that i cannot begin to tell you how beautiful michael corner is. i do not understand why he's not famous.
today i searched for people who graduated with me from northeast on myspace and it was a harrowing experience. i have moments of being an internet person. fundamentally i am not.
IN OTHER NEWS last night i bought myself flowers, deli macaroni salad and took myself to capote at the lagoon. when you hang out with yourself, you get to do exactly whatever you want. if you haven't taken yourself on a date in awhile, you should try, just to remind yourself what you really like to do. what i like is flowers and interesting movies and not talking about the movie that much when it's over and eating really weird things for dinner.
ALSO if i was a newspaper columnist, i could work from home at whatever hours i wanted and if i was super efficient, it would be to my credit rather than just allowing me to spend a big chunk of my time doing other people's jobs for them.
posted by renee 12:07 PM
Friday, March 10, 2006
today i am CRABBY. i HATE it when i'm CRABBY within an hour of getting to work because: a) people were crabby with me and then i got defensive and crabby back b) other people ask the same stupid questions over and over and don't understand when i tell them the answer in the simplest way i know how, so they call and ask again or make their landlord do it and their landlord doesn't leave a phone number, just a fax number, so i have to write a letter explaining the whole dang thing again and how if your maximum rent amount, which was written down for you (THE BLUE SHEET) is $1405, you CANNOT rent a house that is $1495 a month ESPECIALLY if heat and electric are not included!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by renee 10:01 AM
Thursday, March 09, 2006
this morning i listened to benton falls and felt like lincoln and someone i used to be minneapolis has sucked that person away... or perhaps it's just growing up
this afternoon, the sun was shining and i walked in it, smiling, to the beat of some old school ben folds and thinking of lisa and abby and lisa's old bird who whistled if you changed clothes in front of it and sometimes landed on my head.
posted by renee 4:14 PM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
i think i'm falling for my bus driver he's from the ivory coast he speaks profound truth to me on i-94 between downtown st. paul and snelling avenue
today he said that it's not worth trying with people who are three times ignorant: taught by an ignorant teacher who was also taught by an ignorant teacher
he said that about a man who nearly took his head off because of not getting the kind of transfer he thought he needed. the man told him to "go back to wherever you came from." i said "it's one thing to be ignorant, it's another thing to be ignorant and rude."
an old black lady halfway down the bus laughed out loud when i said that.
a couple of weeks ago, i said to him when he was talking about the responsibility men feel to provide and be strong for their families "it is harder to find a good husband than to be a good husband."
he laughed out loud when i said that.
posted by renee 5:35 PM
two fallacies about the potential for utopia:
1. if everyone just knew enough, we could get there 2. if there were enough money, we could achieve it
ALSO: it is very true that people care much more for themselves than they do for anyone else. it is true of me. it is true of you.
sometimes i feel like i reach out to people more than people reach out to me - but i give myself more credit than i am due. usually when i reach out, it is at least as much for my own benefit as it is for theirs.
our own selfishness is the biggest obstacle between us and utopia. it will never be overcome by human ingenuity or wealth or education.
end of story.
p.s. i created a new risotto dish last night and it is great: boil 4 cups of vegetable broth and bring back down to a simmer heat 2 T of olive oil in a large frying pan and add 1/2 white onion, cook through (8 minutes) add 1 c arborio rice and stir until well coated toss in whatever spices you feel like - black pepper, greek seasoning, oregano, etc add 1/4 c wine... whatever bottle's open anyway, doesn't matter when absorbed, add vegetable broth, 1 c at a time, stirring occasionally until absorbed before adding more when broth is half absorbed, add 1 c sliced mushrooms and 1/2 c chopped fresh spinach with the next cup of broth add last cup of broth stir in a little (1/3 c) of something creamy - i used what was left of some sundried tomato pasta sauce, but you could use heavy cream, plain yogurt or sour cream instead when the rice is soft and starting to bond together, it is done. turn off the heat and add 1/2-2/3 cup grated parmesan cheese and stir in serve immediately, preferably with mackeson triple stout
takes 45 minutes, makes 3-4 servings, great as leftovers
last night i played a show with kelly. there were several fun people that i don't see very often there, but i was feeling pretty anti social anyway... happens sometimes.
after awhile, i decided that i should at least sit in the same general vicinity as everyone else rather than off in a corner during the performances before ours. before i knew it, i was having a conversation with a boy from that group that consisted almost completely of him asking me questions. i even noticed it halfway through and felt like i should make him talk, too, but i couldn't do it. i also noticed that i was almost enjoying myself, despite my anti-socialness.
he is popular. that is why.
posted by renee 9:10 AM
Thursday, March 02, 2006
ah, the inexpressible depth of this saddness and how it seems to run under and through everything else i see and feel and say and how my lack of right to keep it turns in my mind, ineffective and so my heart is suspended between hope and breaking and maybe the best thing would be to run away perhaps then JOY of inexpressible depth might find me again, 'til then i am still sad
posted by renee 1:53 PM
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
i made soup from scratch without a recipie, just throwing in anything i thought would be good.
and now, when i reheat it, it smells so good, and it's so nutritious and tasty...
but it is by far the ugliest soup i have ever seen. so ugly that i try to hide it from my coworkers on the walk between the microwave and my office. embarrassingly ugly.
next time, i'll try to keep that in mind.
posted by renee 1:22 PM
