the earth was empty, a formless mass cloaked in darkness. and the spirit of God was hovering over its surface. then God said, "let there be light" and there was light.
and every time the sun rises, we should be reminded: that we are not alone and that none of this is an accident. it's just statistically impossible... that an octopus on the ocean floor could have the same eye as me and there be no God involved.
some days that makes me so glad, and some days my flesh rebels and wants to be in control.
i think i was once more often glad. there are things i knew in my youth that i have since forgotten. things worth knowing.... and so i step toward my future with the past in mind.
also: happy belated birthday, yilingyiling!
posted by renee 12:26 PM
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
struggle struggle struggle what i want now is for something easy to happen an opportunity to drop into my lap or a song to write itself with my fingers on the piano or something to catch my eye and entertain me for awhile or to become helplessly obsessed with pursuing some dream or to be swept off my feet without being asked first so i don't have to decide or try so hard anymore
posted by renee 8:50 PM
Saturday, December 24, 2005
nowhere to go that i want to be no one to call that i'd care to see nothing left but to run or drive off into the darkness toward happily ever after wherever that might be
posted by renee 12:01 AM
Friday, December 23, 2005
i ate cheeseball and crackers at 7:15 am... does that make me gross?
also: sufjan stevens is like magic.
i tend to look at people's hands.
kurt vonnegut says in more than one book that he doesn't think of himself as "hot stuff." i think he's lying. you have to be a little bit vain to write something down and have the guts to give it to a publisher because you think thousands of people might want to read it.
he also says that many people, when they've done something really great, look at it and say "how the hell did i do that?"
have you ever thought that? i have, usually with papers i wrote at 3 am in college and read over (usually for the first time) after i got them back with unexpected A's.
he also says:
"Question: What is the white stuff in bird poop? Answer: That is bird poop, too."
posted by renee 10:09 AM
Thursday, December 22, 2005
and mr. dick cheney cast the deciding vote on budget cuts that mean 65,000 fewer families will receive rental assistance next year.
o fragile flesh how close you are -----to death -----to damage -----to permanent deformity at all times
one slip on the ice -----and falling -----falling -----landingcrackingbreaking-----and that’s all it would take
and once this soul has left you behind you will rot or be burned in an oven like the holocaust victims (except not)
-----
o fragile flesh i love you in spite of your weakness and because of it -----i will protect you as best i can because i do not want you to burn or rot because you are me -----or i am you even though you deceive me and make a fool out of me and torment me
o flesh do not betray me do not argue -----vehemently and we will get along just fine
routine to me is like emotional suicide. the closer i get to complete consistency and dependability, the closer i will be to a blank mind. every morning, my coffee brews for me at 7:00 and i sip it from my blue thermos on my way down the alley, past the window that is home to a white cat that stares at me as i walk past. my route then goes by a vietnamese restaurant where, from an alcove of the building, the smell of cigarette smoke alerts me to the presence of an aproned employee sitting in the shadows on his break. then i cross university on the left turn light, illegally, the same way every day. i can tell how late i am by the who’s driving the bus…. and except for the dropping temperature on the bank sign, it all seems senselessly repetitive.
the part of singlehood that is difficult for me is not at all the solitude. i enjoy being alone and also having full rein over my choice of who i am with when i'm not. instead, the problem is that the daily grind seems particularly fruitless when it is done only for oneself – running errands last night i kept wondering why I was gallivanting around in the sub zero darkness for groceries to feed myself, movies to entertain myself, and presents to cross off of my very own list. upon arriving home, i spent an hour in the kitchen, concocting a tremendous dinner… for myself. i wake up early in the morning to go to work to earn money to fund all those errands… somehow it seems like it would all be more worthwhile if someone else was benefiting from my workworkworkworkwork
posted by renee 11:10 AM
Sunday, December 18, 2005
was feeling down and then came across a transcript of a conversation that happened a few months ago. i only wrote his lines because most of mine are obvious.
"you got a spare cigarette? oh, don't smoke, eh? you got a quarter? a nickel? you know, you remind me of doctor xander. the psychiatrist. believe me, it's a compliment."
and what a compliment... i wonder if that's a famous psychiatrist that i'm too out of the loop to recognize or if it's one of his.... either way, makes me glad i write everything down :-)
posted by renee 10:29 PM
if the right one were to come along now, he'd have found someone great. but really, the longer he waits to show up, the better i'll get, and the luckier he'll be when it actually happens. at least that's how i feel about it today.
A girl with chestnut curls I dreamt of you and you were beautiful, but inconsistently with the way I remember them, your eyes betrayed your vulnerability. And you implored me, silently, needing my forgiveness to go on. And in my dream, it was much harder to give it than it should have been. But in my waking life, you are far away and have forgotten me and the wounds that were so long in healing.
A boy with kind eyes I dreamt that I was trying so hard at something. I was afraid it wouldn’t be good enough. And instead of loving me regardless, you kept correcting and pushing me to improve. But what I wanted wasn’t to be better. What I wanted was to be perfect to you the way I already was.
A red dress I’m dreaming of you now.
posted by renee 9:40 AM
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
sometimes i say "no mi ricordo niente del mio italiano" over and over in my head.
tuesday 8:15-4:45 work work work tuesday 4:45-5:30 trying to leave work tuesday 6:00-10:30 ynachofunmovie tuesday 10:30-12:00 crisis + discouragement + frustration wednesday 12:00-8:00 snow wednesday 8:15-present work work work, feel sorry for hurricane victims who are facing a looming deadline and therefore must make their way through the unfamiliar snow to get to me all day. feel sorry for me, who hasn't had quite enough sleep to cope with it all.
many things are never said which should be. other things are repeated over and over which deserve no attention whatsoever.
i might cry today, just a warning.
posted by renee 8:59 AM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I don’t understand about complimentary colors and what they say Side by side they both get bright, together they both get grey But he’s been pretty much yellow and I’ve been kinda blue But all I can see is red, red, red, red now What am I gonna do?
I don’t understand about diamonds and why men buy them What’s so impressive about a diamond except the mining? But it’s dangerous work trying to get to you, too If I didn’t have to kill, kill, kill myself doing it Maybe I wouldn’t think so much of you
I’ve been watching all the time And I still can’t find the tack But what I wanna know is, is it okay? Is it just fine? Or is it my fault? Is it my lack?
I don’t understand about the weather outside Or the harmony in a tune, or why somebody lied But there’s solace a bit for submitting to the fitfully cryptically true What’s happened has happened What’s comin is already on its way with a role for me to play And I don’t understand, I never understand, but I’ll try to understand There’s nothing else I can do
by the way, i thought the lion, the witch and the wardrobe was a ravishing success. at least i found myself leaving the theater with a very different perspective on the world than when i had arrived... it was interesting how the parallels between aslan and jesus were almost strengthened by how the movie chose to tell the story... poor guilty little edmond is a condemning picture of the rest of us - selling out our brothers and sisters for an ego soothing snack...
posted by renee 9:14 AM
Sunday, December 11, 2005
'twas a rolling stone sort of weekend... a van full of equipment driven across state lines, emptied, and much later refilled with more human cargo than was probably legal... and the next day, after they had recovered from their indescrecions and lazed away the afternoon, the night was rocked into a memory... i can stay up until 4 in the morning once in a weekend, but twice was a stretch. looking forward to my own warm bed very soon...
i think we earned ourselves a ticket back to eau claire.
posted by renee 10:49 PM
Friday, December 09, 2005
last night i remembered a part of myself that i haven’t seen for awhile. the part that lusts after an exciting, worthwhile, empowered, brave life. i miss when i was that person all the time (or maybe that's just a fantasy i have about myself and my courage has always been sporadic). it shouldn’t take so much to bring that out in me again – but being around inspired people tends to be inspirational. i feel like buying a plane ticket.
also: money reproduces itself, in general.
posted by renee 10:16 AM
Thursday, December 08, 2005
FYI RE: SUBJ: I LOVE THE FAINT
posted by renee 5:19 PM
i'm easy.
easy to fall for. easy to block out. easy to believe. easy to see through. easy to love. easy to hold grudges against. easy to please. easy to make feel terrible.
posted by renee 11:34 AM
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
You’d think that if the roof over your head through the Minnesota winter depended on whether or not I could decipher your phone number either written or spoken, that you’d try a little harder. If you leave a message that I can’t make out and have to call several phone numbers that you MIGHT have said before I actually get to you, it is likely that I’ll be a little testy by the time I do. If you can’t remember how to spell the name of your street because you can’t read, plus you are driving while talking to me, it is likely that I will be very testy. I might just say “Look, sir, I don’t have time to sit here waiting for you to find something with your address written on it, especially not while you’re driving.” And you might say “Well, you could call me back later.” But then I will raise my voice a little and say “No, how about you call ME back.” And then my cube neighbor might stop over to give me a high five at your expense while you’re still on the phone. I may or may not call you back, considering that I talk to dozens of people about the roofs over their heads every day and they can enunciate and spell and therefore avoid adding to the billions of crucially important sticky-notes accumulating around my desk.
The coffee shop by my office is selling $3 shots that they pour in your morning coffee. Apparently, I’m not the only one who’s stressed out….
posted by renee 9:44 AM
Monday, December 05, 2005
privately funded competitive investigative journalism is crucial to the maintenence of a functional democracy. unfortunately, it is too expensive and people choose their news sources based more on which comic strips they offer and whether or not they have soduko.
also: i wonder which is worse, to feel unloveable and unloved or loveable and unloved.
for the record, i recognize that i am neither of those things.
also for the record, it is important to keep a live christmas tree in water. this is hilarously obvious :) silly new yorkers.
posted by renee 11:14 AM
Friday, December 02, 2005
last night a girl pouted as she walked the two blocks to the YMCA to choose a christmas tree all by her lonesome self. she missed jill. after meandering through the makeshift forest and discussing the value of frasier vs. balsam firs with some bearded old men, she decided to go with the more expensive, just because things are usually more expensive because they’re better. a different girl altogether could be seen dragging a huge christmas tree home on a plastic sled across university avenue, grinning. somebody likes christmas.... wonder who it could be...
posted by renee 8:48 AM
Thursday, December 01, 2005
i think the saddest job is seeing-eye-dog trainer. you have to let a beautiful furry friend into your life and you teach them how to be good seeing-eye-dogs and how to be polite and steady and not easily excited and how to take care of you as if you were blind. but then, eventually, once you have made them into something great and undoubtedly learned to love them in the process, you are forced to turn them over to their real person, the one who gets to reap the reward of all your hard work. and then you have to do it again. and again. and the dogs move on and love their new people with their whole doggie hearts and you are left behind. why would anyone ever want to do that job?
and then the reader asks herself: is this a post about seeing-eye-dogs? if she’s perceptive, she’ll notice that it is not.
posted by renee 9:08 AM
