as i waited for the webpage listing my grades for the semester to load, i was formulating a caustic editorial on the slow responses of my professors for whom i slaved away these last four months. but i was surprised by yet a fourth of my five grades showing up. and it was the sort of grade that will soothe me until the last one finally is posted.
why do i care, really? there's nothing i can really do about them now anyway.
earlier tonight i got one of the few precious chances i've had to listen to stories told about my ancestors. my great uncle delmer is a friendly farmer with a silly voice best fit for teasing his only grandson while they watch jeopardy and eat cheerios every tuesday. he took on a more nostalgic tone tonight as he talked about his grandfather coming to nebraska to homestead the land that he still works every spring. there apparently aren't many stories about him because he mostly just kept to himself. but there was a great deal of respect for him in delmer's voice for his legacy of hard work. my family full of strong silent men and their spunky wives... i think i fit right in sometimes. anyway, i was just grounded in a new way thinking about how it must feel to live on land that no one else has ever held the title for. and how rewarding bringing in a harvest would be in a place that has supported your family for four generations, especially as the fifth generation is toddling around eating cheerios as you come inside at the end of the day.
and i remember an unused little chicken coop, a dusty barn full of battle scarred cats and bags of wool, and driving the old truck through big green meadows of livestock.
going upstairs for a little bedtime kurt vonnegut. and then i'm done.
posted by renee 1:01 AM
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
23,000 dead? as if nothing else was going wrong in southern asia. maybe m's right, though. it could be that good can come of this in the end. everything happens for a reason. even natural disasters.
or it could be that optimism in a time like this comes only at such great distances.
either way, the world is a harsh place and i feel quite spoiled.
posted by renee 1:39 AM
Saturday, December 25, 2004
spent christmas eve out of place, as is the expectation and its fulfillment every holiday spent at a bulging house in hooper, nebraska, with a group of relatives i don't know and who don't know me. harley davidson people. semi-truck drivers. mullets and G.E.D.s and dangerously high blood pressure. i wish i understood them better. there was a moment when i was staring pensively off into space and saw a cousin (in his late forties, i think) doing the same across the room from me. and i wanted to connect with him in that instant. i wonder what he was thinking about. but of course i said nothing and later drove home with little new insight into the world. except... that these people, who are boisterous and small-town and tempting lung cancer all really love each other. for as much as they tease and are on the surface rude to each other, there is a bond there that i almost envy.
christmas will be quiet. to you, wherever you are, a merry one.
posted by renee 1:45 PM
Monday, December 20, 2004
"be the best santa this year. give the gift of beauty."
i just heard a radio commercial for botox or breast augmentation. "don't forget to treat yourself." it's "the gift that keeps on giving." all over a festive jingle bell choir.
if anyone gave me a gift certificate for bigger boobs for christmas i would kick his teeth out.
posted by renee 11:24 AM
thirteen pages single spaced. printed and dropped off nonchalantly in an open mailbox. finished a test i was completely unprepared for with fifteen minutes to spare. now drinking cinnamon flavored coffee and contemplating the best way to make t come get me for lunch...
i am becoming more politically mature. it is important not to generalize the other side into ignorant inheritors of inordinate wealth or radical baby-killing hippies. there are very few people who actually are either of those. and even those who are deserve a little slack. we're all a little messed up anyway.
wouldn't it be interesting if, instead of police with radar guns trying to catch people speeding, we had checkpoints where they handed you a ticket with the time on it? and then when you got to the next checkpoint, they made sure you hadn't been going too fast by looking at the time on your ticket?
or does that sound frighteningly fascist?
posted by renee 10:58 AM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
feeling lonely.
going to sleep.
posted by renee 1:33 AM
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
caffine is AMAZING.
i finished it, though. at least, there aren't places where i wrote things like "****write more about this, stupidhead" anymore. i know this because i used the search function to find asterisks, not because i read through the paper. i just don't do that anymore.
i wish i had a fireplace.
my teeth feel like they're all going to fall out. i'm getting thirty two cavities at once.
i left my dirty macaroni dishes in the sink and i don't care.
printprintprintprint
hyperhyperhyperhyper
posted by renee 2:54 AM
Monday, December 13, 2004
i've had my new simmonsmix on repeat in the living room stereo for the last two days straight. i think i might start sleeping down here so i never have to stop listening to it.
i walked outside for a mile and a half today. and now, even though i've been home for almost an hour, my face is still stiff and my toes are not yet thawed.
QUESTION OF THE DAY:
on a scale of one to seven, one being completely dissatisfied and seven being completely satisfied, how happy are you with your muscle tone?
who the heck am i? i spend my days doing things i mostly don't care about and wasting hours and hours between those things wandring the streets of st paul on the city bus. and then sometimes i stop by t's house and listen to abbymusic and think that all i'd really like to do is sit in some empty ballroom at some university in texas and listen to echoing piano. and i go to meetings where people in suits sit around and talk about how to solve the problems of people sitting around in homeless shelters all over the metro area and it seems so worthwhile and yet so distant from the real problem. and everything i say and do, i mean. and everything i mean, i mean so much it hurts. it makes me want to sleep for a week straight.
i don't understand anything right now.
posted by renee 7:02 PM
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
i think i need to quit taking advantage of all the slack i am offered in my life. we just got in trouble for having a friend in our office studying because this room is off limits to anyone but the six employees who work on the data. however, our immediate supervisor isn't much of a stickler about things like that, and if it had been him who caught us, it wouldn't have been a big deal. but of course, the big head honcho who's brought hundreds of thousands of dollars into the department to do this research pops her head in the door for about the third time since i've started working here. and after business hours. oops. we were not prepared for that. i guess a graveling apology is now in order. but probably everyone will be too passive aggressive to do much about it. that is bad.
also, following work here i am going to my other job to get bread before the mean donation lady comes, which would not be allowed except that t, conveniently enough, is managing this evening. sigh. someday i'll have to grow up and be more professional. i should work on that.
posted by renee 5:31 PM
Monday, December 06, 2004
to lisa: call me
to the girl on the street: if you are going to be in such a hurry, you should not wear such ridiculous shoes
to the irb: SUCK IT. i mean, thank you for your thorough reading of my application. i have adjusted my study to comply with your stipulations as follows....
so this is how it feels to be 0410P64566
posted by renee 1:39 AM
Thursday, December 02, 2004
talk about a rollercoaster.... sheesh.
i started the day freaking out because i thought i was fifteen minutes late to a meeting. turns out i was forty five minutes early.
i woke up resigned to not graduating summa cum laude because it was impossible. turns out it's not only possible, but likely.
i woke up with a slight fear in the back of my mind that the IRB might tell me that they're mad i didn't include my survey instrument in my application for my thesis research. turns out they're furious, but about a bunch of different things and didn't even mention that. and they want me to have everything fixed by monday, in some ways starting completely over. crap.
i had a great morning off. spent a bunch of money on presents and various painting supplies (whoo!), visited an art gallery, drank a caramel latte and walked sometimes out in the pretty snow and sometimes not.
so instead of worrying about how soon monday morning is going to come, i think i will finish a scarf and paint a little bit this evening. i am amazingly a complete failure and a ravishing success at the same time. or maybe i'm just a little bit dramatic.
if i had started feeling this way earlier in my life, i'd be an introvert.
as it is, these days when i can't motivate myself to attempt to communicate with people are completely out of character for me. so, instead, a list of facts: my neck hurts today and my heating pad that i usually sleep with is broken. the resulting stiffness makes it hard to pay attention at work. also, i should get that looked at. yesterday a spontaneous roommate and i took a study break to go get a christmas tree. our house smells yummy. i feel competant today. but also very shallow. i need my girls, i think. they tend to make things better.
i think i'll go home, have a beer, watch America's Next Top Model and not be ashamed of it.
