i used to write posts beginning to end, like i usually do with papers. i find myself now using that handy key in the upper righthand corner far more often. i have a sneaking suspicion that i've outgrown this hobby, yet several times a week i am compelled to write something anyway.
so, with that in mind, some ruminations:
i am head over heels in love with my new vacuum. more than i have ever been with another household appliance. i also love ceramic dishes and curried peas quite deeply. all this leads me to fear that my destiny is unavoidably that of hippie mom. but really, i guess that's alright.
except: today in my social movements class we split into small groups and did a role play of a county commissioners meeting in which the placement of a hazardous material dump site was debated. members of the community, national activists and business people with an interest in the matter were represented. i was in the commissioners group and because i dominate any small discussion group i get put in, i was elected the chairperson. so this whole roomful of my peers suddenly was vying for my attention, trying to get a chance to speak and convince my colleagues and i that their opinion mattered more. and either i pulled some of my high school acting skills out of a dusty trunk in the attic of my brain, or i was getting into it.
bottom line: i think quick and i like being in charge. these two things tend to go very well together. but do they go very well with being a hippie mom, spending my days vacuuming and currying peas? i am not sure.
a thanksgiving like no other... or like every other, but in a very nice way
today i ate heaping mounds of mashed potatoes, held footballs for a seven year old cousin to kick (scary), and helped an eleven year old cousin learn to weave her hair into a french braid and yarn into a scarf. and babies ran and played and banged heads and cried and were consoled. jeans were grass-stained and waistbands became too tight. this is exactly how it's supposed to be.
and tomorrow i am going to attempt to go shopping before everything's gone.
i am out of words.
well... not out of them completely.
it just seems that the jumble inside my head of them is becoming harder and harder to squeeze through the portal that is my mouth. or less worth it.
plus, i'm on thanksgiving break. no one can force me to be coherant for a whole five days. so there.
according to the logic i learned from jill, i am basically graduated now.
feels good.
and in twelve hours and forty three minutes i head for home. time to sleep. or maybe i should pack? or my roommate is avoiding finishing her homework by making cookies. i think i might be able to stay up a little longer...
i can do it.
one and one half more pages.
then printprintprint and sleep.
tomorrow, toothbrush goes in my purse and i'm out the door for five days.
it will be good to be home.
i just have to write a page and a half first.
but my hair is clean and its distracting.
my eyelids are heavy and they're distracting.
my brain has been on for too many hours in a row, and it's complaining.
silly brain. you're almost done.
just one and a half more pages.
in 28ish hours it will all be over. theory test in the morning... somewhat studied for, a couple hours left to go before sleeping. then, hopefully, getting off work early and writing my advertising paper. ha. where will i be writing it? on my laptop? no. my laptop is no longer communicating with its keyboard, thanks to an unfortunate turn of events involving tea.
in other news, my stomach is full of thanksgiving feasting (roommates and neighbor boys style) and miscalculated coffee (7pm style... oops). also, i have determined that it is very good to be around people who love you for exactly what you are in the moment. the neighbor boys are not those people. in fact, they will never love me, because i voted for john kerry, don't eat meat, am cynical about america and think you should not own guns. i like the 7th ave boys better.
i just put postage on a thousand envelopes. $1.06 each. two stamps. george washington looking lustily at a very haughty edna ferber? for the first several hundred the stamp order was accidental. for the rest it was on purpose :)
done. crabby. bedtime. too many m&m's.
tomorrow?
again.
ps. it makes sense that condoleezza rice is replacing colin powell. the same guy waxes both of their eyebrows.
posted by renee 3:44 AM
Monday, November 15, 2004
i absolutely adore: chili with sour cream and cheddar cheese, titling papers, watching oprah when i should be working, miles davis and a house full of fresh roses.
i absolutely detest: having finished dinner so i have no other legitimate distractions from writing the previously titled paper and the way my nose runs when i have eaten something spicy.
cost of obtaining first-rate masters degree in public policy at prestigious university in state which rarely experiences temperatures below 40 degrees: $82,226.00
amount of money renee has: $996.34
that's a good 1.2 percent of the way there... right?
posted by renee 6:38 PM
i think one of the most attractive things a person can posess is curiosity.
especially of the excited, childlike variety. the sort where you get a particular look in your eyes when you're thinking about or learning something new. and if you have it, i probably want to be your friend.
posted by renee 4:53 PM
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
i think i figured out what it is. there are some things in life that move us. some things reach deep down inside us and can make us feel alive and cognizant of our own complexity at the same time as we are so entranced by the particular thing's simplicity. it's something matt said the other night, partially. theater is an art form of particular poignancy not so much because it depicts the human condition, but more because it shows us a sliver of it. the whole thing at once would be too much to handle, which is why most of us walk dumbly around all the while living and breathing the most powerful art there is. but those slivers can leave us breathless and astounded... you know the feeling. a photograph that captures your attention unexpectedly and you find yourself lost in the image. a collection of words set to music that articulates something you have felt exactly, but never been able to explain. and an old emotion wells up inside you so strongly you are back in the moment you first felt it. so i want to be living a life full of those moments, and instead i feel dead and robotic most of the time. but we're all dead and robotic most of the time and i think that is the biggest tragedy.
i don't want to register for classes.
it should be exciting to do this for the last time.
the last first day.
the last set of syllabi.
the last to-do list.
but i don't want ANY MORE SYLLABI.
this lack of motivation has reached epic proportions. there are five candles burning in this room. two lamps. nice, upbeat music. a dr pepper. and my usual halo of paper spreads around me: radius three feet. i want to take all that paper, put it in one big stack in the sink and fill it with water. and then stomp on my laptop until it's unrecognizeable. and then buy a plane ticket to somewhere they don't make you go to school.
posted by renee 7:42 PM
does it make me old to wish that i could go to sleep at eleven every night and wake up at six thirty every morning refreshed?
does it make me immature that i am completely unable to make that happen, even though i know it would be for the best?
goodnight.
posted by renee 1:09 AM
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
guess who's STILL awake?
guess who finally finished her power point presentation for tomorrow on a computer with only a floppy disk drive and now has discovered that her presentation is too big a file to either put on a floppy or send in an email?
guess who is giving up and going to bed?
this is not my week.
posted by renee 4:45 AM
we're losing
i'm still awake
indie kids all over the city are shuddering in political and musical dismay
my eyes are on fire and my stomach's imploding and i'm in the attic with the heat off
but i'd be happy if i could just get a fifteen minute backrub
really i would
i think it should flood tonight so i can't go to school tomorrow and i can stay home and cry
bush is going to blow up the world and a million black kids will get a sucky education
all because we didn't kill the country music fans while we had the chance
damn texans
posted by renee 2:46 AM
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
the other day i walked past a house on a corner that i pass often. it's on my way home, so i usually see it after dark, and through the picture window you can see a huge painting on the wall. it's abstract and colorful and loud. i like it.
so the other day, i walked home in the daylight and saw a bush campaign sign in the corner of their window. for a few minutes i was confused. then i kept walking and realized that the house with the painting was actually on the next block. it had a kerry sign, plus two jack'o'lanterns on the front portch that were carved to say "vote kerry" and "bush lied." and it made more sense that way.
why do i equate big abstract paintings with the DNC? i don't know, but i was right, wasn't i?
imagine what it would be like to be a candidate for president right now. you just spent millions of dollars and millions of hours trying to be more popular than the other guy. you slammed him, he slammed you, you haven't slept more than three hours in a night since august. and in a few hours (weeks?) it will all be over.
i have a thirty minute presentation to do tomorrow that i haven't started preparing and i am not even close to that scared.
posted by renee 8:12 PM
Monday, November 01, 2004
it didn't come.
i waited patiently and in vain for the pitter patter of little mailman feet on the portch for two and a half hours today. at what i thought was the very last possible second, i left the house without my questionnaire to copy and turn in my incomplete thesis proposal to the human subjects protetion people.
then the bus was late (5 minutes)
then the copy machine at kinkos jammed three times (7 minutes, $2.50)
then i had to collate two of my appendices (4 minutes)
then i stumbled around the mayo building looking for the right room (2 minutes)
i finally figured out where to go and stepped in an elevator.
instead of going up it went down two floors to pick up one woman. then it dropped her off on the next floor up. (2 minutes) DON'T TAKE THE ELEVATOR ONE FLOOR.
then i finally got to the fifth floor and ran down the hall only to find a locked door.
i knocked anyway and a very mean lady came and told me they were closed (by 2 minutes). i must have looked petrified, because she took my application anyway, but said that she couldn't guarantee that it would get stamped today.
the third time in my college career i turn something in late and incomplete and it is absolutely the most important thing i've ever turned in. if she didn't get someone to stamp it with today's date, i am in big big big big big big big trouble.
if ever there was a day i felt like getting hit by a car, this would be it.
or at least it would have been fitting for the sky to open up and suddenly downpour all over my thirty dollar's worth of copies.
but instead, i cried all the way home and made crescent rolls.
i hope this doesn't ruin everything, but i have a sneaking suspicion it might.
posted by renee 6:22 PM
