today i was very productive. groceries, laundry, communication catch-up, started a new book, early to work. then i came home, met the new neighbors and talked politics, dating and dental health.
when i fell asleep last night, the cat was on my bed. when i woke up this morning, the cat was on my bed. guess where the cat is now? i guess that means it's late enough.
victor hugo rocks the house.
les miserable was wonderful this evening. not completely above reproach (there aren't many light moments in jean valjean's life... maybe the show could have been treated a bit more seriously?) regardless, the richness of hugo's characters shone through clumsy directing. and the set design and lighting were magical. it makes me want to read the book again. it's nice to see a plot that wasn't swiped from shakespeare. and epinine was my favorite as usual. i will never forgive the person responsible for cutting her from the movie version. that travesty should never have been made.
so i'm sounding like a puffed up critic. it was good. i miss musical theater. "bring him home" almost brought me to tears. i love planning outings that are well attended and enjoyed. i will do it again soon.
i am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
you guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
whom have i in heaven but you?
and earth has nothing i desire besides you.
my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
psalm 73:23-26
i ate teriyaki rice for lunch. my stomach is not pleased with that decision. sometimes that's all i really want to write. i ate this. i did that. so and so said such and such. summer isn't supposed to be like this. i am drowning myself in sleep and work and watching television. i hate television. i miss people. i don't want to go to work today. but i don't know what i'd do if i stayed here. this summer stupor must end. i can't force my mind to follow the links from one thought to another in any logical pattern. so i guess that means i don't know what i think about anything. feels weird. i am usually so sure of myself. the only things i'm sure of at the moment are that i don't want to go to work and i shouldn't have eaten such a large quantity of rice.
posted by renee 2:28 PM
Thursday, June 24, 2004
today i had a job interview. i walked in the door of my potential boss's office and saw a pair of chucks and a fender in the corner. he has a big tattoo on his leg and several pewter rings in his ears. he types fast. he told me he has only been in his position for six months and tries to keep his ego in check when employees have suggestions on how to improve things. this sounds like a nice change of pace.
and then i recorded with my band for several hours tonight. i like them. we didn't do that great, but it doesn't matter.
my boyfriend's sleeping in lincoln, nebraska. i missed talking to him by about an hour. sad.
i like having dates with God. little opportunities to worship Him in a less formal, more personal way. i like feeling the wind in my hair when i ride my bike. i like a good soy caramel latte. i like watching people who are having fun. the examples of his creativity and care for us are everywhere. it's a beautiful thing.
but sometimes i just want to go on a real date. to spend time with someone who's my top priority and whose top priority is me. there are just too many restaurants in the twin cities i have not visited. too many parks i haven't walked through late at night.
posted by renee 9:28 PM
Sunday, June 20, 2004
riding the bus makes me grateful for many things.
i am not overweight or blind. i do not talk to myself. i do not pull strings out of my unravelling socks and then eat them. when i see a billboard of a milk mustached celebrity psychologist on it, i do not say "oh no, not dr. phil!" over and over.
i am normal.
also, today i tried rollerblading, but my rollerblades had other ideas, so i ended up on the ground with a scraped up shoulder. turns out my brake was missing a screw and flipped under my wheels when i had my right foot in the air. and a question: why do i feel the need to explain that i didn't fall down because i'm just a klutz? i don't know.
posted by renee 6:14 PM
i got two compliments today at work.
the first was from an older guy who always orders a latte with just a little bit of chocolate in it. i often make this latte. today someone else took his order. i was walking past as he was putting away his mug and he said "pretty good." "pretty good?" i asked. "yeah. you're perfect." i was flattered.
the second was also from an older guy. i took his tray when he was finished and he thanked me. then he said, "i like watching you work. you have a pretty ass." as a courtesy to his dinner date, he added "my wife has a pretty ass, too." i was not so flattered. in fact, i fumed about it for half an hour.
sometimes i want to swear at the people who eat at panera. unfortunately, the most appropriate occasion i have had to do this was today and i missed my chance. i should have. what a pig.
posted by renee 1:07 AM
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
i am an oldest child
therefore i am a perfectionist
it's been getting more and more ridiculous. maybe it's working my mindless job too much. today i was there for two hours longer than i was scheduled. the walk in cooler, the prep area, and the paper stock shelves have never been so clean. and as soon as i get home i start cleaning again. the littlest things grab my attention. don't leave change on the dresser, put it in the tray on the desk. there's a kleenex on the floor behind the trash can. there is a bowl and a fork in the sink. now all of my shoes are put where they belong. everything i wore today is in my laundry bag. and three quarters and two dimes are where they belong.
i am a neurotic perfectionist
therefore i am obsessive compulsive about cleaning
and calorie consumption
and relationships
i give up
posted by renee 10:17 PM
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
i usually think i'm right. this is a bad habit i must soon be rid of.
i am feeling distant and unmotivated to try and reconnect. it's that movielife thing again, except all the camera angles are from above. once i wrote that i felt like a scientist looking into a terrarium full of only slightly interesting bugs. my silly little life with all its drama and struggle. ant politics. i feel like going to bed early. global perspective escapes me. i just need to put that little grain of sand onto the big hill. marching single file.
i really hate pretentious academics.
i really like pretentious artists.
sometimes i am pretentious myself.
posted by renee 8:44 PM
as i was walking across the bridge toward downtown tonight, i saw a couple standing at the railing looking out over the river. he decided to shoot a picture of the industrial skyline of minneapolis. polluted mississippi and all. i think he thought it was pretty.
matt took a bowl off the shelf and said "this bowl isn't broken," and dropped it into the nearly full trash can. "it was even clean. we could have served soup in it. and now it's garbage."
i think matt has taken too many drugs and then worked too many days in a row. ah, the profundity of losing your mind.
some days, i don't really listen to people.
some days, people don't really listen to me.
things would be better if we just listened to each other.
posted by renee 12:34 AM
Saturday, June 12, 2004
today i am content to sit in the attic listening to pj harvey and eating carrots. on the agenda: watch closely my rainbow array of bruises, stare at my "to feel guilty about not doing list", eat more carrots. contemplate pj harvey. she is at once sexy and an angry animal. why is it that you must be so injured to ever be critically acclaimed?
perhaps it is because we admire people who can skirt the edges of human emotion and survive to tell the story.
everything would be okay if i could stop having dreams about my immediate family members dying.
in the one about my brother i actually saw his body mashed into his bike after getting into an accident. the most vivid moment was a couple of days later. i was with a group of people and something funny happened. i started laughing, but i choked it back, feeling like i shouldn't be enjoying myself. i distinctly felt that everyone else expected me to just be okay already.
the one from last night didn't involve such disturbing imagery, just my dad calling me to tell me my mom had died (this is the second mom dying dream i've had). and all i remember is screaming at him because he didn't call until 12 hours after it had happened.
so most mornings i sleep way too long and wake up emotionally exhausted. ready for another day at panera bread.
i am most satisfied with myself when i am suffering. i'm not sure if it's a morbidly obese maternal instinct to sacrifice or some sort of side effect of my performance struggle, but it's without a doubt true. i worked for eight hours without a break to eat and started walking the mile to downtown at about 11. i had a bag full of leftover goodies, including a whole raspberry brownie that i didn't really want, but couldn't bring myself to throw away. then, it started to rain. before i got to my busstop, i was completely soaked, but still warm enough from running around panera to be okay. i waited for the bus and thought about who i could give the brownie to. one of the other kids sitting around downtown late on a tuesday night? the bus driver? finally the bus came. the driver looked very grumpy. i was not brave enough to try to be nice to him. i got off at my stop and started the 1/2 mile trek home. by this time it was pouring, and my clothes were wet all the way through and stupid bangs were dripping dirty water into my eyes. then, only a couple of blocks from home, my paper bag decided to give out and my cookies/bread/box of brownie spilled all over the wet pavement. a pretty pathetic moment. if only i'd given the brownie to that driver... and for some reason, i feel that because i'm being somewhat stoic about it all (although i'm sure it doesn't sounds like it...) and because i wasn't even supposed to work tonight and because i didn't bother anyone for a ride home, that i deserve to feel good about myself.
this is twisted, and if i cannot learn to be happy with myself when i'm comfortable, i will have a very difficult life indeed.
posted by renee 12:09 AM
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
i have been sleeping too much recently. all my roommates have things to do in the morning, so the house is usually quiet by 11. i am not tired, but downstairs is creepy at night by yourself. too many ground level windows. and upstairs is dark. so i putz around for awhile and then go to sleep. then i wake up when my alarm goes off at 8:30, but i don't actually get out of bed for another 2 and a half hours. and then i sit staring at a computer, doing nothing of value for another hour. now i have two hours before i have to leave for work. i must write two cover letters, print out three copies of my resume, mail all these and three checks to various locations, clean the bathroom and retrieve my laundry from the dryer where it has now been sitting for over 24 hours.
by the way, i have been trying to make my archives work for about a year now, to no avail. i am not a complete computer idiot, but for some reason this eludes me.
elusion. allusion. illusion.
also, there are little june bugs everywhere in the attic, so i'm going to evacuate now. good night.
posted by renee 12:01 AM
Monday, June 07, 2004
i woke up this morning soaked in perspiration. i stumbled into the bathroom and took a gander at myself in the mirror. ick. hair matted to forehead, skin glowing a bit more than one would hope. i thought "this is disgusting. i should take a shower." and then i stopped to consider the prospect for a moment. i could get clean and then waltz across town on the hottest june 7th in minnesota history only to cover myself with an apron and hat for 7 hours and then sweat on home... or... i could not bother.
i didn't bother. i still haven't. i did not stay in minnesota for the summer to have days like this.
during the first week of school i wrote a calendar in the front page of a notebook and circled dates i knew i would either be home, with abby, or visited by micah. towards the end of every semester, i get list-crazy. i have several places where i write lists of assignments i have left to complete, organized in many different ways. by the time we have three weeks left, i don't have to write it anymore because i have it memorized, but sometimes i make another version just as an application of mental energy on not-exactly-schoolwork. and this year, i knew i would be finishing finals on tuesday, working all week, flying home on friday, staying until the 31st and then driving back up to minnesota with micah's band. i sort of left the part about the band then leaving off my list. so the time at home flew by, with departures by abby and lisa and then my own. the tour was crazy (YOU try having 9 boys sleeping in your house and keeping both them and your roommates happy...) and then suddenly, i was tossed back into long-distance-relationship world. i was not ready. every time i rollerblade home from work, at about mile three i start wishing micah was going to be there when i got home.
