so i spent last week floating around in wisconsin
some weird things:
1. 13 year old boy who came and sat by me on a rock in the middle of the river to talk about the Bible and how the spinasaurus egypticus had claws that were 5 inches in diameter and could run 60 miles an hour
2. conversations with preteens interspersed with intellects 8 years my senior - shifting is good
3. coming back to a place where killing 10 mosquitos actually makes a dent
4. five days without showering...
5. worst nightmare i've ever had involving my grandparents having dead people stuffed all over their house (on top of cupboards, under furniture.... vivid ickiness) and laying awake for an hour in my tent for fear of dreaming it again...
6. i wish i could really write everything i thought about this week...
7. last night, finally back in my own bed, i dreamed in italian and woke up smiling
posted by renee 1:25 AM
Saturday, June 28, 2003
too many junior high kids
too many mosquito bites
too many pieces of junk mail waiting
too many days wearing the same wet jeans
not enough late night conversations with kindred spirits
not enough time to get deep with girls who are starting to find themselves
not enough hours spent sitting on rocks in the middle of rapids talking to God
not enough sleep. no. definitely not enough sleep.........
posted by renee 1:08 AM
Saturday, June 21, 2003
last night i was kissed eleven stories up on a fire escape overlooking the sprawling metropolis that is lincoln
and this morning, my best friend stopped in the middle of traffic so i could hand a farmer's market peach out the window to a bearded man with a "will work for food" sign
i am approximately 48 days away from beginning my third decade of life
all i want to do is plan surprise birthday parties, buy fresh flowers and fresh strawberries, take captivating pictures, fall madly in love and change the world somehow
apparently haloscan disappeared and therefore so did my comments....
unconditional love is sort of expected. it is easy to take for granted, because most of the time, i feel like i deserve it. everyone deserves to be loved for who they are, even if they fail or disappoint.
but unconditional like? who's ever heard of that? there are some people that i don't have a hard time loving, but for whom i generally don't feel that easy, natural affinity we call "like".... i think God unconditionally likes us, and that is hard to believe. i am not so likeable sometimes. wow... a lucky girl am i...
yesterday m's boss determined after a 3 minute conversation that we are perfect for each other... good to know, good to know...
posted by renee 3:07 PM
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
as if that wasn't enough, this entry on an ester drang blog struck me as particularly mature
Thursday, March 20, 2003 find the balance between dissent and patriotism. speak freely about your thoughts whichever direction they lead. either way, support the troops - who have a job they likely don't want.
hate the game.
not the playa.
God bless America and Iraq.
they are all precious in his sight
posted by jeff shoop at 9:05 PM
posted by renee 5:47 PM
keep reading, it's not as random as it seems...
i've been reading a lot about anorexia lately, partly out of the need to get this documentary project out of it's fledgling stage, but mostly because i'm a nerd and like the non-fiction section of the public library... anyway, it seems like the outer simplicity of the disease is almost it's biggest draw. in my post-adolescent confusion i often feel like i am pushing at soft marshmallowy walls all around me and really have no concept of where i am or even where i'd go if i could get my bearings. i don't have any concrete problems or unmet needs, but at the same time, i usually feel off-balance. something is wrong, and it makes it ten times worse that nothing looks wrong. there is some ingredient necessary for submission to an eating disorder that i don't have, but if i had it... i would be a perfect specimen- a strong desire for control over my life, manipulation of people close to me, and hip bones that jut out a mile through sallow, paper-thin skin... if i had some way to channel my vague feeling of wrongness into a concrete problem, life would suddenly come down to a managable size. "all i have to do to get better is beat this eating problem..." instead i am stuck not knowing what it is i'm fighting against and where i'd like to be when i've conquered the faceless beast... it's really along the same vein as my old subsistance farming theory. maslow's hierarchy of needs isn't often looked at as something that might be desirable to climb back down. self-awareness is making the human race more advanced, more "civilized"... they call it the "enlightenment, after all. but wouldn't life just make more sense if it really came down to survival? if the thing we were fighting was literally death? i am so ungreatful... it's not that i'm asking for my life to be that simplified. or maybe i am... too many uncertainties and the marshmallow walls leave me disoriented and slightly sticky. so maybe fourier was a little naive.... and maybe i am too...
posted by renee 5:35 PM
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
mmm... ester drang like war and love and hate and falling and driving 100 miles an hour
everything that is climax
my ears are still ringing, but it's worth it
so much more
so little motivation to say any of it
i'm not as deep as i try to seem
ha ha ha ha ha
the other day on a cigarette store there was a message on the marquis that said "God Bless our Troops"
i need to learn to calm down, i do believe....
posted by renee 12:36 PM
Sunday, June 15, 2003
i was looking through a family history scrapbook that my mom put together and was awed by the dozens of pictures of my great-great grandparents wandering around the plains of western nebraska in sundresses and cloth diapers.... what is the chance that i could have ended up here, the result of a few folks from different parts of the world happening to fall in love and then having their strands of DNA combine to create other people who eventually fall in love and.... well, it just goes on and on. in some ways, it seems so random. but from this side of history, it seems inevitable... regardless, i'm here, and may well turn out to be a part of the falling in love and eventually raising up little diapered ones who will keep the cycle moving... crazy.
posted by renee 8:47 PM
Saturday, June 14, 2003
any minute awake and outside in the dark is a good minute - hobbes
last night was spent attempting to find climbable fire escapes, drinking iced vanilla latte and chasing trains
downtown lincoln is a stinking cool place to hang out, end of discussion
posted by renee 4:00 PM
Friday, June 13, 2003
a paradox
in advancing slowly past the me-generation, we are still gripped with a desperation to "be ourselves" and advance our own personal desires above all else
at the same time, however, it seems that we are simply not satisfied unless we "belong" to something
i saw a forward that was politically-slanted (to the point of anything concrete falling off the table completely) in which it was scientifically proven that democrats are all evil and should be shot and left in a ditch somewhere as punishment. it was easily recognizable for what it was. while obviously a weak piece of propaganda, it works only because of people's desire to have an institution or group to identify with. and as a result of barrages of such messages, people can be happy that their lives have meaning because at least they're not as foolish as the other guys.
i think people put religion on the same level as political belief far too often. our faith becomes so quickly a place to belong and nothing else, that it loses any potency it may have had in the beginning. this is what they mean when they say "self-righteous"... making your beliefs into something that you use to lever yourself above the world around you so you can look back down on them with scorn and pity their unawareness... that is completely missing the point.
posted by renee 1:05 PM
Thursday, June 12, 2003
i am too theoretical
to me, computers, cars, telephones, etc just work because they do
it's some sort of magic that is somehow predictable and useful in my daily life
i don't have a hard time understanding chemical reactions
but it's only because they make sense on paper, not because i really believe it
billions of billions of trillions of atoms racing around
yay! heat!
thousands of air molecules bumping into each other really really fast
yay! music!
but despite my on paper understanding, i just don't get it
when i pour bleach into this beaker of soil, there's a chemical reaction and then we can remove all the organic material from the sample
okay... whatever you say...
what makes tree branches decide where to grow on the dreaming tree? they all slope down and you can walk up it instead of climbing. it all seems so very unlikely....
posted by renee 4:20 PM
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
today: reading for hours between moments of actual work from 8:00-4:30 with a break for food consumption, followed by an oso burrito and jazz in june
thoughts on the matter:
1.0) i want to be hateful and loved anyway.
this neurosis is a cage i nearly willfully am locked in
spinning spinning, out of control
but lack of control doesn't equal lack of fault
spinning spinning
where i stop?
nobody knows...
1.1) maybe no one else is like this... a strange combination of nature, nurture, humanity, and brain-malfunction leaves me highly confused and even more highly confusing. i almost willfully make myself unpleasant and difficult sometimes, perhaps to test the loyalty of my friendships? perhaps to see how much i am worth to people - how much they will put up with because the benefit of my presence is still a notch above the discomfort that sometimes comes with it... what a waste. i think i need to relearn the lesson of respect... not just for your elders, your superiors or your aquaintances, but for the people closest to me. familiarity only breeds contempt for those who aren't careful. i must learn to be more careful... avoiding toes is a useful skill
2.0) in the past week i have dreamed about being a tourist on mars where the gift shops have calandars full of pictures of places on earth and getting my wisdom teeth pulled at an outdoor dentist clinic. it must be something i'm eating.
3.0) i would choose not to be a hippie because i am not a fan of armpit hair and i would rather clean myself occasionally than have the pride of real dredlocks. but i am tempted to admire people who resist the social constraints trapping the rest of us in boring conformity. let's go to hawaii for a few weeks, sleep on beaches, eat fruit from mountain groves and wash our hair with lemons... just this once...
posted by renee 11:22 PM
Monday, June 09, 2003
i think it's funny how driven we all are to "accomplish"
we all want to save the world, in one way or another, from one disaster or another
whether your pet passion be environmentalism, education, world hunger or the spread of foreign disease
it seems like it all comes down to finding what we do important and worthwhile
i started my new job in the plant science department of UNL
they measure out soil samples and chemically "purify" them...
clean dirt?
anyway, it all seems very pointless to me
but it matters to somebody
and that seems very very strange.....
posted by renee 6:30 PM
Sunday, June 08, 2003
i dare you to say cacophony today in normal conversation and get away with it....
best of luck
posted by renee 10:58 PM
retrieved from the library:
a german textbook
a little about the history of eating disorders as prep for the filming of our documentary
the communist manifesto
"The Friendless American Male"
that combined with 25 cent tacos will keep me entertained for quite awhile...
posted by renee 6:45 PM
Friday, June 06, 2003
this afternoon was spent in a red convertible with abby driving around lincoln under a perfect blue sky dotted with cotton ball clouds and clouds that looked like arrows and even one that resembled casper the friendly ghost.
last night after i finished my rollerblading adventure of danger and excitement, i was driving home from the bike trail and could see an ominous storm front coming from the northwest. a momentary insanity seized me and i decided to become "renee ann... storm chaser." this was followed by maniacal laughter, lightning flashes and dancing in the rain. on my way home, i was driving south, away from the storm. my windshield was getting pelted with golfball sized raindrops (yes, raindrops can "pelt"). suddenly, i drove past the edge of the cloud and the streets were completely dry, but the car was still sparkly wet. lovely.
i have determined that i like the sky
quote of the instant: "everything looks perfect from far away" - ben gibbard
the eternal moment.... i'd like to live in it.... intelligent people are very entertaining. therefore: find more of them.
posted by renee 7:25 PM
Thursday, June 05, 2003
outside this window there are approximately 27 cars passing every minute.
27 X the number of slightly busy intersections in this town X the number of slightly busy towns in this country + traffic filled places in the rest of the world = bye bye fossil fuels, hello subsistence farming? ha ha ha ha
i get the idea that we are balancing precariously on the edge of destruction all the time, but we always manage to pull through in the crunch times. the human survival instinct has developed with society... now survival means figuring a way to create energy after we have exhausted our natural resources. (exhausted them into the atmosphere, mind you) and paper writing is my own personal microcosm... i never know how i actually finish those impossible tasks, but somehow my brain and fingers kick into action when they have to, and i survive... and by survive i mean keep my gpa at its happy 3.68
a different set of problems for a different generation in a different setting.... and this is progress
to do:
create tornado in plum tea and watch leaves spin around in the bottom of your glass
assassinate mike szymanczyk
make documentary about old men who play chess with a timer every night at the coffee house
climb a fire escape
unlearn sound filtering techniques... notice the immense quantity of noise in your world
brainstorm music video ideas
be less concerned with the lack of concern in others... perhaps it's really nothing after all
posted by renee 12:07 AM
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
also, i am at a coffee shop in downtown lincoln using the internet for free.... that's cool...
posted by renee 12:18 PM
while PAing i have realized that the easiest way to get attention is to gather a group of people and fancy looking video equipment
abby and i discovered a place to lease for our hostel/art gallery/music venue extravaganza. it has large columns and a soon-to-be painted floor
also, we are going to call jason at 555-5555 to sign up for his elementary school sidewalk chalk festival
today i plotted genetically engineering sheep to produce sod, tried to figure out the word for the kind of vision that horses have, you know, since their eyes are on the sides of their head, marveled at the ingenuity of the human brain, laughed at people who say everything in the most complicated way possible, had a total brain wave connection with an autistic canonical genius and thought about how stupid it is that most weddings are exactly the same
my family is the kind that ends up with most of the encyclopedia on the kitchen table before dinner is over because my mom likes to actually solve the hypothetical musings of her husband and daughter....
posted by renee 9:12 PM
Sunday, June 01, 2003
it's good sometimes to sit at the lake with your favorite boys and abby listening to them telling their wild stories from freshman dorms and about "that one time when i caught on fire"
and even if it's windy and you have to build a wall around your fire to keep it from blowing everywhere
and even if you only avoided hypothermia because your boyfriend never cleans out his car and therefore has sweaters in it
and even if it makes you sad that you met these boys in high school instead of in college
it's good sometimes
I John 3:18-20
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
God is greater than my heart, which does indeed condemn me, and He knows everything. Big sigh.
what means "unconditional love" and do any of you feel completely satisfied with that which you are receiving? i wonder if humans are even really capable of giving love completely without condition.... but perhaps it is only a feat achieved with difficulty... not exactly the eiger, but close
posted by renee 11:50 PM
