i just heard about more people who are getting married. particularly the type younger than i am. ran into a travelling bachelor's party on wednesday night. i might just start getting used to the idea. it still makes me feel like i live in a small town, which i don't.
did i tell you this story yet?
when i was in salzburg, i had tv in my hotel room, so i watched conan o'brian even though i hate that show. heck, it was in english, and it had been a long time. anyway, so he was talking to james king and her childhood in omaha came up (big surprise). he took the typical stance of "so, geez, in nebraska... i mean... isn't it just dead there? like... like what did you DO there?!" and instead of wrinkling her forehead at him and demanding to know what HE did when HE was a kid, she giggled. and then said something moronic about "well, there really isn't anything to do. we used to break into the high school, and i sorta liked to make pottery, so we'd get into the pottery room and make stuff... and sometimes we'd fill up water guns with koolaid and then drive around and shoot people with it. that was pretty fun" giggle giggle giggle...
i hate that
i mean really. if you're a kid in new york, what do you do? go to people's houses, watch videos, perhaps shoot people with REAL guns on an exciting evening. forget you conan.
posted by renee 2:54 PM
Thursday, May 29, 2003
visiting joe and using my laptop again.....
feels nice
he took pretty good care of it, i suppose
still no news on the job front, but applications have been delivered
observation: it is strange to take in an application to someone who you think may be your coworker someday. it is stranger to hand it to someone who you are sure has the job that you want and will not get.
i think i am a relatively skilled person and would be a good employee under reasonable circumstances
boo on the stock market, the job market, and the farmer's market
also: think about life....
it seems so ridiculously cyclical sometimes
wake up
eat something
shower, brush teeth
do stuff all day (most of which you have done before)
eat more stuff
do more stuff
eat more stuff
come home
sleep
AGAIN!!!!!
the new fudge rounds are twice as expencive because they are "double deckers"
this means that there are now two layers of gooey middle and three cookies
and 490 calories, including 5 grams of saturated fat
that, my friends, is worth a whopping 25% of your daily recommended value for consumption
SICK
posted by renee 5:11 PM
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
grape nut o's and jones for breakfast
last night i went to a UNL navigators Biblestudy
the man who is the new continental director of the ministry in Africa was there
ocurrie
and his daughter who goes to the university
she doesn't know when she will get to go back home
to Zambia
because she doesn't have enough money
my new mission is to get her a plane ticket
i don't know how
considering my budgeting yesterday revealed that i am going to spend approximately $5279 that i don't have before christmas
but it will happen
also, i would like a car
stick shift
honda
with less than 200,000 miles on it
and not too much rust
hieroglyphics is the band of the morning
posted by renee 11:04 AM
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
the only reason i stand screaming and kicking at the bars of my cell is because the door doesn't lock
i claw and cry because the safety i have here can't be ripped from me
ah, embittered, disillusioned wannabe world citizen
i need a break
posted by renee 1:51 PM
Monday, May 26, 2003
they make their country their God and call their faith patriotism
and they remember the self-sacrificing bravery of their husbands and sons
justified under the umbrella of freedom and liberty
they say it over and over "every time there was a call for freedom, americans answered it"
my pessimistic doubt springs up with my arched eyebrows
and i wonder what it would be like to be the mother of a son who died fighting for the nazis
the two boys probably weren't that different
born far apart in countries that spoke different languages and had different leaders
but both doing what they thought they needed to do
in conclusion: i might just turn out to be a pacifist because i think killing people is generally a bad idea, but how can i really know for sure?
posted by renee 11:38 PM
Sunday, May 25, 2003
14 And it will be said:
"Build up, build up, prepare the road!
Remove the obstacles out of the way of my people."
15 For this is what the high and lofty One says-
he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
"I live in a high and holy place,
but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly
and to revive the heart of the contrite.
16 I will not accuse forever,
nor will I always be angry,
for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me-
the breath of man that I have created.
17 I was enraged by his sinful greed;
I punished him, and hid my face in anger,
yet he kept on in his willful ways.
18 I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;
I will guide him and restore comfort to him,
19 creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel.
Peace, peace, to those far and near,"
says the LORD . "And I will heal them."
20 But the wicked are like the tossing sea,
which cannot rest,
whose waves cast up mire and mud.
21 "There is no peace," says my God, "for the wicked."
Isaiah 14-21
con·tri·tion n. 1. sincere remorse for wrongdoing; repentance; 2. the act of grinding or ribbing to powder; attrition; friction; rubbing
i asked to be broken
and He broke me
and as soon as i can catch my breath
i will praise Him
posted by renee 2:39 PM
i feel like the sun
in the center
sucking in the planets to me
as hard as they may try to get away
i keep them safe and sound
but not too close
there are other forces pulling them away
to the ends of the earth
but what happens if the sun suddenly decides to relocate?
mass chaos it seems
but other centers are more stable than i
and stronger
and more worthy
posted by renee 11:10 AM
Thursday, May 22, 2003
am spending my evening abandoned
listening to ghosts and vodka in my basement
looked at old pictures
it's funny how when people have kids their life shifts so smoothly into orbit around them
and i was the oldest
so there are practically hundreds of pictures
renee hiding in the cupboard
renee sleeping on the back of the couch
renee and dad
renee and mom
renee and dad and mom
renee getting her first haircut and screaming
renee blowing out four, five, six candles
and now i'm not just their kid, i'm a person
and looking at pictures of when they were my age is odd somehow
how we really look the same
the same youthful bodies
sometimes the same sense of fashion (or lack thereof)
same smiles, same dimples, same shining eyes
genetic hand-me-downs
i will post one tomorrow, hopefully.... too cute....
posted by renee 7:59 PM
sometimes it seems like the most secure power of females is our ability to find ourselves unattractive
for me, it takes having someone reassure me of the opposite insanely often before i start to believe it
after awhile, i can almost catch a glimpse in the mirror of what he sees when he looks at me
but then, as silently and quickly as it came, the phantom runs off again
leaving me with nothing but excessive self-criticism
the only time i'm really happy with myself is when he's there
if his arm is around my waist, my imaginary "doughnut" magically disappears
the way he looks at my face melts any insecurity
but the moment i walk away, his compliments lose their potency
an hour later i easily regard my reflection with no memory of how he sees me
so silly
such a lie
it's all a lie
him against the world, it seems
but the world only wins sometimes because i let myself listen to it
posted by renee 12:26 PM
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
a warm evening in bethany park+lipton (the kind that pops amusingly loudly when you first open the top)+mocha frappuccino+granny smith apple+nectarine=hot date
however, sometimes fun leads one to the realization that 500 miles will sneak their way between us again before long
and this time, they aren't going away for a long long time
so laughter finds itself followed by the two sitting on the floor, curled as tightly as possible
wet cheek against wet cheek
a different sort of emotion emerging from the depths of love
and questions like "where do i fit into all that?"
surface and float unanswered across the calm waters of my dreams for the future
posted by renee 2:41 PM
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
going to buy used roller blades
still don't have a job
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
i have things to say
but don't feel like it
today micah had 64 oz of a mystery beverage and he psyched me into not liking it because i didn't know what it was
but it was dr pepper
i like dr pepper
or thought i did
posted by renee 5:22 PM
Sunday, May 18, 2003
i drove 750 miles this weekend with angel-hair boy
as a result, i was rocked to my core by the ever-scrubby appleseed cast in their hometown of lawrence, kansas
and i did not play keno in wahoo, nebraska
but i could have
life is funny for people like us... words people...
people that spend their days with the sneaking suspicion that they really aren't good at anything that matters
but man can we make it sound good in the process
i hate writing papers and getting good grades on them when i feel like i didn't put any effort into it or learn anything in the process
i hate that people receive my spiritual insights with the same enthusiasm when i am at my highest or lowest points
it just seems like i should be easier to see through
according to some (see: one significant person) i'm pretty black and white on most things
maybe that's what sounds convincing
but for goodness sake... quit believing me without a fight! i'm just making this up as i go along
i like people that don't take me at face value
corner me if you can...
ha...
crystal says, "there are two kinds of boys: the kind that need to be needed, and the ones that are up for a challenge. we need the second kind."
hooray for difficult women!
posted by renee 7:16 PM
i completely resent the idea that men will always want to be more than friends with me if i get to the top of any sort of "ladder"
that is really stupid
i hate when harry met sally
i mean really... what does that mean for me? i just need to run in completely the opposite direction from any unattached member of the opposite gender? because that, my friends, is simply not fair
i have a friendship ladder. boys, if you don't have one, i'm sure they have them at wal*mart GO BUY ONE SO I CAN BE YOUR FRIEND
posted by renee 11:09 AM
Thursday, May 15, 2003
tried to play tennis today
haven't gotten any better since i last played... two years ago
posted by renee 11:27 AM
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
bjork says she's going to prove the impossible really exists
sounds good to me
i'm home
sort of
wherever home really is....
everytime i get in a vehicle... train, plane, automobile... it feels wrong. i'm leaving something i don't want to leave. i'm going somewhere there isn't anything for me. of course that's never true. but i certainly do leave parts of myself behind when i go. i feel so ripped in pieces. two thirds of me is always missing. and it hurts.
posted by renee 12:04 PM
nothing i can do will make it better... "i wonder how it feels to have all the cards in your hand"... not so hot, really. renee+guilt=complete wreckage
so maybe RC cola and microwave popcorn don't heal all wounds
and maybe there are more wounds than originally estimated
my eyes burn from the leftover mary jane wafting from next door and possibly something more...
how many times will i say i'm sorry?
i'm so so sorry
posted by renee 11:37 PM
ah, the bittersweet feeling of returning to the 75 minute long distance phone call.
at least it's free again. free so that i don't have to feel bad about getting up every three minutes to blow my nose again.
gross.
posted by renee 11:28 PM
i believe in time travel, chipotle, drive-in movies, friends that teach you new things, and that sleep is a waste of time.
i don't believe in aliens, growing up, that success should be defined for you, or that getting married before the age of 25 is generally a good idea.
sitting watching someone sing songs written about you when everyone else present is also aware of that fact is a slightly uncomfortable feeling. especially when they are songs about how your relationship didn't so much work out.
posted by renee 2:10 PM
Saturday, May 10, 2003
the rhetorician need not know the truth about things; he has only to discover some way of persuading the ignorant that he has more knowledge than those who know - socrates
you should really read the whole gorgias
the unbridled power of words is a dangerous, but highly effective tool. perhaps the most effective one.
also: i like people who don't have agendas with me.... the carmen realness flows through my veins twice as strong two years later....
posted by renee 3:26 PM
i wonder if it looks from the outside like i have everything together
from my vantage point looking out at the world, i feel like i know so little
like everyone else was clued in on the secret and they forgot to tell me
mmm... instability is a beautiful thing sometimes
posted by renee 3:25 PM
Thursday, May 08, 2003
another small thought:
the reason i am so wary of love is because of a fear of discovering that i am not lovable. as irrational as it sounds, i think that's what it comes down to in my head. i think that's why so many people fake it in relationships. they put on a mask because they want to prove to themselves (by way of proving it to someone else) that they are worthy of love. because what if.... what if i really fell in love and something happened to ruin it? what if you just let it all go and suddenly faced with the whole you, the object of your feelings fell to the pressure? again, irrational. i am loved unconditionally by so many... yet i fail to truly understand it.
posted by renee 5:32 PM
strained relationships tend to throw off my sense of balance
i get so distracted by them that i have a hard time focusing on anything else
it probably comes from my unrelenting perfectionism
i still have not conquered the reputation demon
add it to the list, right.... oh wait....
it is an endless circle for me sometimes
"i am too perfectionistic, i should work on that...."
anyway, taco johns and conversation sometimes heal old wounds
oh yeah, and honesty is a good thing to throw in there, too
i am excited to go to my BBQ tonight
two beautiful things about this country: dryers and cookouts
mmmmmm
ps. jill is going to get on an airplane and come to lincoln to visit me this summer. whoopie...
posted by renee 5:11 PM
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
i am back where i used to belong
middlebrook smells funny
i don't miss it, really
but i had my moment in the spotlight this evening
i am not really cut out for that
too much attention...
i like catching up with people, though
and i will like seeing my new house tomorrow
wow
if that wasn't dry....
today i listened to good music really loud
and the writer in me will be reemerging soon, i hope
i miss the alps today
posted by renee 10:45 PM
7.5 hours of driving
mountain dew
zios
the new mr.1986/tie these hands split (close to illegally possessed by me)
i went to my high school yesterday
it reminded me of the miniscule world i used to inhabit
and i felt sorry for the people who grow up, return to that world and get so caught up in making their way in it that they don't see how silly the politik is
ah, northeast. my little microcosm of the universe.
i don't so much miss you
on my plane back to lincoln from chicago, i sat behind a very affectionate, wealthy couple with golf insignias all over everything they owned.
i thought "wow... they don't look like they belong in my town"
and i almost didn't like them for their money
but i saw his picture in the paper today. former president of the National Golf Association.
he came to lincoln specifically to play 18 holes with the current special olympics golf champion (he has down syndrome)
and of course i felt bad for my earlier judgement
i need to work on that
posted by renee 8:46 AM
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
back to america
land of the free, the overweight, the overconfident and the trapped
where every sweater is a banner of blind patriotism
home of the brave, the anti-french, the uni-lingual and a million nippleless manniquins
where well meaning midwesterners revel in their contented isolation
i only cried as we were sinking into chicago
it was this instant feeling of claustrophobia
i understand too much here
cell phone conversations
street signs
get me out
i feel stuck
too many miles between me and different people
although really that's not true
geez... typing on normal keyboards again is more difficult than i thought it would be
i am going to watch bowling for columbine with this boy i like now
and then i am going to come to minnesota and hang out for a week
sounds like fun
but i am sure that a week after i get back here, i will be clawing at the walls of my financial confinement
please please please
i want to become fluent in SOMETHING
i am stuck in english in my head and i hate that
grr
too much complaining
but who can blame me?
i was awake for 26 hours straight yesterday
my jones cap today said "you are the center of attention"
ha
posted by renee 8:10 PM
Saturday, May 03, 2003
i am in julia´s little brother´s bedroom on his computer listening to die Ärzte... some german punk band, except this song sounds sort of african... eh...
her mom is so nice... she made me cheesecake and fed me a real german breakfast this morning and gave me a bag full of german sweets. in return she gets my limoncello because the more i think about it the more i realize that i probably wouldn´t use it for anything anyway and would end up drinking it straight because i´d feel guilty about buying it and not making limoncello cake or ice cream or something.
i like germany. i am not sure i like real bratwörst, but i like germany.
wish i spoke german.
coming home in two days.
incomplete sentences, yes.
posted by renee 3:59 AM
Thursday, May 01, 2003
now i'm in berlin. there's this crazy church across from where i'm sitting in an easy-internet place that got bombed out in world war II that was never repaired. on purpose, not for lack of money or interest. it's just a constant reminder. i think if i was a german, i would want to be more like the czech republic, which basically ignores the holocaust altogether, even though the concentration camps were mostly in their country. it's like the germans live every day aware of their history, and completely ashamed of it. i think that would wear on me a lot. hmm....
my suitcase is locked up at the train station, and i honestly don't want to see it again. it has made my life very difficult. i can't believe i'm going home. anyway, before then, i'm going to eat some dunkin doughnuts (i don't even like doughnuts...) and see check point charlie where there is a little bit of the wall left, and a cool museum, according to the alcohol and raisin bearing russian boy from the train today. let me tell you... crazy russian vodka (brown and weirdly flavored) is even worse than beer. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ps. i have a house in st paul to live in. this is exciting.
posted by renee 10:40 AM
