i tried knitting again today, and failed miserably. sigh. i really just don't like things that are hard for me when it comes right down to it. i'm addicted to the easy... but at the same time, i'm insanely jealous of the people who dedicate their lives to a sort of impossible goal and then achieve it. watching a freshman tight end score a 90 yard touchdown in a nebraska game or a gymnast win that gold medal she's worked all her life for makes me wonder if i'm missing the point. i have no concrete ambition besides making my life count, and there's nothing i'm so passionate about that i could label it a "goal." most of the time, i just let life happen to me and respond as it comes, rather than being the one who makes things happen. hardly a mover and a shaker... but maybe someday i'll find that thing that i can give myself to completely and really put my whole self into. until then, it's coffee with girls i love from home and my last night in my own room for three weeks...
posted by renee 7:38 PM
Friday, November 29, 2002
when i come home from an evening with him, in the mirror i see a prettier girl than usual.
posted by renee 1:25 PM
Thursday, November 28, 2002
last night i went to this "cool" "party" along with several thousand high school girls in pants too low and shirts too small. i hate those people. but at the same time, i recognize that i was one of them a mere 3 years ago... sad. i hope i've grown up a little bit, but at times, i feel the "all i really want is to be POPULAR" girl fighting for attention in me still... however, rather than paying her any heed, i punch her right in the nose so it bleeds and messes up her perfect lipstick. ha. take that. i saw some pro-choice literature posted in the bridge and noticed that 44% of women will have an abortion in their lifetime and also, 43% of women will have an abortion before the age of 45. this prompted the idea that i should see how many different statistics i could find on the internet that disagreed with those two. however, it is a holiday weekend, and therefore i will not do anything that could possibly be labeled "productive." also, turkey is good.
posted by renee 5:06 PM
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
there is a statue near the computer science building (which cleverly designates the ground floor rooms as 3-XXX) depicting a very simplified metal man who is standing on twin pillars about four feet apart. most people make great effort to walk around the pillars rather than walking through them, even though there is ample room. i make a point to go between. but a few weeks ago some professor with a mission put a skirt on the statue... a symbol somehow of the underrepresentation of women in the engineering and computer science departments or something... anyway, this bothered me because i began to feel distinctly uncomfortable walking under the skirted statue and had to rejoin the majority... but finally time and the elements have removed the skirt (half of it at first and now finally the whole thing) and i can resume my normal patterns... i just think it's funny that adding clothing could make me more aware of the unappropriateness of walking underneith someone's tin legs...
posted by renee 12:42 AM
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
he was right. i AM insensitive... not mean-spirited... but i misinterpret and assume too much... poop.
posted by renee 11:37 AM
Monday, November 25, 2002
it's all so simple, really. i don't know why it is i find myself caught up in the peripheral details. i serve a God who has the power to move mountains on faith the size of a mustard seed... how can i make something so complex from such a simple beginning? all he asks of me is that i love Him first, and that i put others before myself. and i fail daily at both. but refocus... He knows my failings and loves me anyway. the God who can hold the oceans in the palm of his hand! metaphors aside, i have no way of comprehending his might. and yet he knows me intimately. alone i am nothing. hopeless before the throne of the Almighty. a lost cause. but redeemed... ah, redeemed i take the world by storm. suddenly the nations are within reach and the heavens a glorious destiny. at the risk of sounding trite, my heart still sings "glory be to the Father..."
posted by renee 12:17 AM
Friday, November 22, 2002
today in the daily, there was a half page ad about a womens' studies sponsored event... some sort of liberating thing, i guess. free admission for students. it's supposed "to empower women and transpeople to eliminate all interrelated forms of oppression" and is going to be "an evening of visual and performance art created by people who work in the sex industry." they're planning on celebrating prostitution and having some striptease, among other things.... for goodness sake. i don't find that liberating. refocusing people on the way women use their bodies for power... because they so often still don't have power any other way... if this is the way things are, feminism has failed.
posted by renee 8:40 PM
in my astro lab today (which turned out to be slightly less boring than sitting around waiting for it to start), i laughed at my grad-student written lab book which said "the big bang (the scientifically accepted beginning of the universe)...." i'm impressed at how that perfectly eliminates any other opinion. i guess anyone who doesn't believe in the big bang is unscientific, and therefore should be ignored on all issues science has claimed as its own... anyway, i felt funny all day for some reason. bobby fell in love apparently, and reading the eloquent way he always expresses these emotions we all have at one point or another was somehow jarring... but it's late, and i'm bothering my roommate, so maybe more on that later...
ps. nate, we will dominate the world... card game style...
posted by renee 12:15 AM
Thursday, November 21, 2002
so i'm sitting in my astro lab, and it hasn't even started yet, but i'm already bored out of my mind... whoo hoooo!!!!!!!!!
posted by renee 2:26 PM
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
i have a little bit of advice for any of you out there that read statistics: stop. they're all worthless. i've never gotten into an argument with a boss before, but i think that might be due largly to the fact that i've never had a supervisor as completely incompetent as ned henry... he's an old ex-navy guy with about 20% of his hearing left and some serious ethical issues. after going through an interview tonight, i got to the last question, which is about income. naturally, this one is more often refused. this woman didn't want to deal with me, so she handed off the phone to her husband, who started yelling at me and asking for a supervisor. ned gallantly came to my rescue and the man said he was offended that we had called so late (8pm...) and that he'd finish the interview if we called earlier the next night, not realizing there was only one question left. as soon as he got off the phone, ned literally told me to "guestimate" their income instead of scheduling the callback and i, of course, responded with contempt. he made me come into another room with him and made a complete idiot of himself. i wish i had had a tape recorder, because he would no longer have a job. apparently it's "not worth it" to call the people back tomorrow and get their real income, despite the fact that that would take 30 seconds. and apparently all we're doing is "looking for the complete," not trying to get accurate information. never trust numbers. they're just applied stereotypes (she sounds rich...) of poor students who don't have the guts to stand up to corner-cutting, deaf bosses who know more about the ocean than they do about research.
posted by renee 11:34 PM
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
conor oberst: a glimmer of hope in a vast republican wasteland...
i thought that to myself on my way out of work tonight, after talking to some long-haired beastie boys fan with a penchant for bright eyes and an overal disapproval of nebraska. and then i laughed out loud at my attempt to be witty for my own benefit... i don't know why i think like that. i guess that's why i write. most things don't seem quite so ridiculous as text. seriously, though, who has colons in their inner monologue? i'm hopeless... i'm starting to get obsessed with light, too. i love the way squinting makes bright lights spread thin across the dark sky... full moon tonight, by the way... anyway, the homework load is lightened, italy questions answered, my voice is apparently of the right sort to convince alabama residents to participate in this important research, my heater looks like a fireplace thanks to my creative roommate and some bucher paper, i ran into matt on the way in and he gave me hot cheese bread, and m loves me very much. no complaints today!
posted by renee 11:36 PM
Sunday, November 17, 2002
hello, random hi, by dabe is redee and i'b callig od behalf of the state of alababa.
i saw more chalk messages today... "I was made to serve you" - Jesus Christ
i don't think the Bible says it quite like that
God is bigger than our finite minds can know
God does not exist because of us. We exist because of Him.
bottom line
ps. ben folds is going to be here in a week.... now wouldn't that be fun....?
posted by renee 5:19 PM
Saturday, November 16, 2002
i walked past a clever sidewalk graffiti-poem today that said: have a nice day! Jesus wouldn't have it any other way!
my question: when did Christianity start being so centered around the happy-smile-have-a-nice-day-Jesus and everyone forgot about what the Bible says about justice? it seems like people are only concerned about how God can make their lives better. they don't care about finding out how things really are, they just want to have a good time. "In the living, breathing cosmos there is a mysterious Something, too wonderful, too awful for any mind to understand. The believing man does not claim to understand. He falls to his knees and whispers, 'God.' The man of earth kneels also, but not to worship. He kneels to examine, to search, to find the cause and the how of things." But possibly worst of all, "The tragedy is that our eternal welfare depends upon our hearing, and we have trained our ears not to hear." (thank you, tozer...)
posted by renee 9:02 PM
Thursday, November 14, 2002
how can someone with so much to say have so little to say to me? i'm frustrated.
posted by renee 5:01 PM
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
i fell in love first for character... but he ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant his senior year of high school and now he's married with two kids
the next time, it was for charm... but he ended up admitting he was gay two years later
the next time, it was for the checklist... but he ended up not having more than the right answers
the next time, it was for the ease with which he threw the checklist out the window... but he ended up having character and charm, too
posted by renee 3:51 PM
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
on my way home tonight, i walked through the music building and checked every practice room door, hoping one would be unlocked. and i was giving up hope when i checked the choir rehearsal room... big, dark, echo-y.... mmm... lucky me. i love playing nice pianos. and even though my sick voice isn't ideal for singing, i suffered through a few songs and played hard. every once in awhile, people peered into the blackness through the window, but i didn't care. i remember one of my choir directors from high school who always yelled at me for banging... but it's a shame for a piano to only be played tentatively. if there's no passion in the sound, it doesn't seem like it's worth much. liszt used to go through three pianos every concert... now that's cool.
posted by renee 10:36 PM
sometimes i bid complexities be gone and allow myself to dwell on what i know for sure. as few and far between as those things are, they matter much more than the vacillating emotions and uncertainties around them. when it comes right down to it, God is good and He is in control. and that is my constant in a world of change... my anchor.
ps. i got 63 out of 90 on my last CSCL test, which translated to a B... and on the one i got back today, i was awarded 70 out of 90 points... but that's apparently a C.... i don't get the curve
posted by renee 7:56 PM
Monday, November 11, 2002
i cry in church a lot. on october 27, i cried during this song:
“Before the Throne of God Above” Bancroft/Cook Before the throne of God above I have a strong, a perfect plea,
A great High Priest Whose name is “Love”
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands, my name is written on His heart;
I know that while in heaven He stands, No tongue can bid me thence depart;
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
When Satan tempts me to dispair, and tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free!
For God, the Just, is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me;
To look on Him and pardon me.
Behold Him there, the risen Lamb,
My perfect, spotless Righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM, the King of glory and of grace!
One with Himself, I cannot die, my soul is purchased by His blood;
My life is hid with Christ on high, with Christ my Savior and my God;
With Christ my Savior and my God.
My name is graven on His hands, my name is written on His heart;
I know that while in heaven He stands, no tongue can bid me thence depart;
No tongue can bid me thence depart.
posted by renee 2:06 PM
i feel icky icky icky.... kind of like this:
thanks roomie!
posted by renee 12:09 PM
Sunday, November 10, 2002
it's been a long time since i've been sick like this. it's not even the kind of sick where you feel like cuddling up with a warm blanket and drinking hot tea... it's more the kind where i wish someone would just shoot me in the head. i remember looking at the clock a lot last night: 1:30, 2:45, 3:30, 4:00, 5:15, 6... and there was a big pile of kleenex by my bed when i woke up. being healthy is something i take for granted...
while in the process of getting sick, i went to see my friend megan in "much ado about nothing" last night. she's crazy. taking a full load of classes, doing this play and rehearsing for a dance production at the same time... and somehow she manages to keep a long distance boyfriend happy, keep her grades up, and just be so dang cute all the time.... and here i am, unproductive and sick, sick sick.... oh well... not everyone can be perfect... and i don't even want to be. i just wish i could go 30 seconds without having to blow my nose.
posted by renee 4:27 PM
Saturday, November 09, 2002
marriage: two toothbrushes and one bed
the best feeling is getting into bed when i'm completely worn out and knowing that i won't have to get up in the morning until i decide it's time. unfortunately, those nights are few and far between.
posted by renee 10:57 AM
Friday, November 08, 2002
tonight i sped to baker's square on y's bike wearing flip flops. the ride back was cold, it being 11:30 at night, and i quickly got into a hot shower when i arrived back at my dorm. it felt nice. and this is the latest i have been up for a very long time, so i am 98% incoherant. i think i spelled that wrong. but who cares? seriously... ok... bedtime...
posted by renee 2:34 AM
Thursday, November 07, 2002
i'm going to start using the word "myriad" in every paper i write. but i will avoid the word "modernity" at all costs. boo on CSCL. silly jilly... y sent me a letter through campus mail today. it was sweet. mail from the girl who lives a floor below me and is never home... and a paper avoided for two weeks and then finally completed in two hours... life is good.
posted by renee 9:08 PM
i'm taking a day off of caring. a loves me. l loves me again. m wants to love me. j loves me (most of the time!). and God knows every detail of the mess and loves me anyway. so i think i'll revel in those mysteries for awhile and not be so hard on myself. life, though short, is indefatiguibly sweet... and i can use AP words if i want.
posted by renee 8:47 AM
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
i do a disproportunate amount of my thinking while i walk. maybe that's why most of my conclusions sound like "i think it's fun to fall perfectly in step either right beside or right behind someone you don't know." the sky was smooth, uninterrupted cobalt tonight... silky nothingness, stretching effortlessly to every horizen, and not a star in sight. i wonder if the light pollution in europe is this bad. i got a few passport photographs today, and i didn't smile in them. i have one science test left for the rest of my life. now that, my friend, is cool. two gay men remarked on my appearance today in two separate instances. i'm not sure how i should feel about that. yo-yo ma plays the bach cello suites incorrectly. but because he is world famous, we let him and say "what a genius!"
posted by renee 9:00 PM
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
there was a girl in my youth group in junior high that i hung out with quite a bit, and i remember her teasing me a lot about how i looked, especially my hair, which was completely out of control for a couple of years. of course hers was perfectly straight and shiny and blonde... i remember one time that i told her about a crush i had on a boy, also from our youth group. she laughed at me and said "oh, renee, he's too cute for you." like it should have been obvious. i wonder if she knows how much she affected me.
posted by renee 11:53 PM
Monday, November 04, 2002
a disappointing conclusion... i was "a disappointment" for halloween this year. but that was 5 days ago, and i haven't shaken it yet. i feel like the people around me have all these expectations of me, and i keep falling miserably short. so far i haven't managed to really please anyone for very long, and if i'm making you happy now... well... it's only a matter of time. i wish i didn't care. in fact, i know i shouldn't, but guess what? i fail even at not caring. i want to go to italy now. no one knows me there, and if i just stay out of the way, i don't think anyone will care one way or another what i'm doing. i need a break. well... i need to give myself a break, really. but i can't. my dad says i try too hard. i need to relax. i just wish i felt like there was one person that was happy with me the way i am. not the way i might be someday. but it seems like anyone i get close to ends up with all these ideas about the ways i should be different and the parts of me that aren't what they were expecting or wanting from me. scariest of all, i feel like i'm a disappointment to God. like he looks down on me and says "oh, my child, i love you so much, but if you would only...." and i don't think i can hide from God in Europe...
posted by renee 9:23 PM
of the tumultuous mass of feelings that have recently been fighting for attention in my brain (and giving me quite a headache in the process), the one that i can most easily pick out at the moment is weariness.... but i can't ignore the conspicuous presense of fear, as well. when it comes right down to it, i am afraid of how much control God has given me. in some ways, i would rather let him make all the decisions, because in the midst of a thousand things i don't know, i do know God is in control and that he is good. if he simply made the decisions for me, i wouldn't have this pressing feeling that i am screwing everything up. he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me... and my own plans so often backfire. i want to listen to him. but in matters of the heart, his voice isn't so easily discernable. i've been accused of intellectualizing love in the past, and here my tendency to supress my heart and listen to "reason" is rearing its ugly head again. but the scariest thing in the world to me would be to let reason go and believe what my heart is telling me. maybe somehow this question of love is shedding light on my oft-denied terror of being deeply vulnerable.
sometimes i try walking with my eyes closed. i just want to see how much i can trust my sense of how straight i'm walking. and lately, i've been pushing myself to leave them closed longer and longer, just to challenge myself to be less dependent on my sight as my main way of understanding the world. but that doesn't carry over into my real life. every movement i make is calculated there. i inspect every rock i have the idea of treading on long before i can trust it. and in some cases, that saves me from making mistakes. but at what cost?
love
v. 1.To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person).
2. To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person).
3. To have an intense emotional attachment to.
4. To like or desire enthusiastically.
5. To thrive on; need.
