two thoughts:
1. halloween is a silly holiday for people this age- it's just an excuse for girls to dress like sluts and call it a costume
2. i'm not very nice
posted by renee 9:34 PM
last night i fell into a stress/hormonal imbalance induced frustration and my roommate tried to figure out what was upsetting me. and in typical renee fashion, i just sat there and cried for awhile, and somehow couldn't put my exaggerated emotion into words. and she said "i know that when you're upset, you just bottle it up, and then wait until somebody asks you. then you say 'i don't know' a few times and then maybe you'll finally spit it out." and she's right. why do i do that? i always say that i'm the opposite of non-confrontational... and that's true when it comes to issues outside of myself... but when it comes right down to me, somehow the thoughts can't be simplified down to words...
on another note, i witnessed the purchase of marajuana today by the neighbor of a friend of mine from a guy from my music class. it was entertaining. here, let me trade you this cash for that baggie of suspicious looking material.... now i have to go to class where i sit behind the apparent dealer and try to focus on my test. but i'll just keep thinking of how the guy i call "one half of the all american couple" is making his money.
posted by renee 12:33 PM
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
is two hours of time by myself too much to ask? yes. yes it is.
posted by renee 5:16 PM
my women's studies teacher was talking today about the 'cult of true womanhood' and how it placed men and women in separate spheres, with women's main impact being through their influence on their husbands and children. the whole topic just makes me angry because of how she presents it. the simple fact that it is referred to as a "cult" that people "bought into" somehow is supposed to open my eyes to the fact that my mother is apparently of less worth because her influence is largely indirect, and also to convince me that to be a homemaker is a second tier dream... well, screw you, women's studies people. i will do what i want with my life, and your "persuasive" "education" will not change my ideas, no matter how much sarcasm you squeeze into 50 minutes three times a week.
posted by renee 1:46 PM
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
i can't get over how much we talk. words and words and words, spilling out, pouring into every crack of potential silence.... and sometimes i think that most of the things we say are pretty much meaningless. but today i feel like maybe the things we say have meaning simply because we say them. a million bits of information that combine to create this image of an extraordinarily complex person. but is there a "me" beyond the projection of me? i really don't know. what do i know? i know my roommate knows me well enough to leave me m&m cookies on my computer, where she knows i'll find them. and that makes me happy. talking is okay. but listening is better. and paying attention to the things people do when they're quiet is sometimes the best.
posted by renee 11:06 PM
yesterday morning i raked leaves for the first time in a long time. we knocked on an older couple's front door and the two of them peeked around the doorframe and said no, they wouldn't mind if we raked their lawn, and sure, they'd love to give us a donation to help us go to our fall conference. they were a lovely image of the way i want to end up. they'd been together so long they had become one person. they knew each other so well that each could predict the other's actions in almost any situation. and each time their predictions were again proven right, they somehow loved each other even more. so anyway, we raked their leaves into efficient little piles, none of them big enough to jump in. when did i make the shift from wanting to make the job fun to making it efficient instead? sigh. anyway, i'm not certain that simply being one with someone else by the time i'm old is enough for me. i want adventure and purpose and LIFE.... but maybe that's all wrapped up and handed to us, and it's more about how we live it than what exactly we have. but despite my uncertainties, today i feel content. peaceful, maybe. because all i really want to do is follow Jesus.
posted by renee 1:56 PM
i left a note on my AIM profile that i was out of kleenexes, among other things. last night, when my roommate got home (angry that i had irresponsibly talked on the phone for three hours and forgotten to record her show...) she brought in with her a present. some "mysterious" man left a box of kleenexes at my door with a note that said "God bless." oh, he has, c, he has. anyway, so i decided to change my profile to say that i seem to be out of a million dollars.... if you don't hear from me for awhile, it's because my plan worked and i'm off someplace warm.
posted by renee 8:35 AM
Thursday, October 24, 2002
ps. my email address is nearby. if you're inspired to answer any of my wonderings... use it. or heck, call me.
posted by renee 9:53 PM
i got a journal for christmas my senior year of high school and i wasn't sure what to do with it. i like to keep different blank books for different purposes: one for undeliverable letters, one for written out prayers, one for questions. but with this one, i decided to do something a little bit different. i wrote a list of questions that i wanted to ask people close to me. partially to keep a record of who i've loved and what they were really like, and partially just because there are always things you want to know about people, but they don't come up in everyday conversation.
1. what are you most afraid of?
2. what is your biggest insecurity? why?
3. who is the person who has influenced you the most?
4. who is the person you've had the biggest impact on?
5. what is the accomplishment or attribute that you are most proud of?
6. what is your biggest regret?
7. what is something you hold back from God?
8. what is something you hold back from your friends? why?
9. what was your scariest or most vivid dream from childhood?
10. what quality is the most imperative in the person you marry?
11. what is your biggest fault, or the thing you most wish could be changed about you?
12. who is someone you look up to? why?
13. what is your deepest desire?
*bonus* what makes you cry when you're alone?
isn't it funny that we sometimes don't know those things about the people we call our best friends? what have we become? this set of surface interactions we call "friendship"in a context of lowest common denominator days, repeating themselves over and over again. is this really life to the fullest? i think not. my question is why so many people don't even notice or care that there is so little meaning.....
posted by renee 9:51 PM
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
i just attempted to release my bordering-on-nervous-creative energy buildup through the piano downstairs. but the sustain pedal is broken and somehow, it's just not the same. also, boys are nice, and i like my dad.
posted by renee 8:56 PM
i don't attract a whole lot of attention to myself among people i don't know. perhaps it's because i don't have long, shiny blonde hair. i'm not the "suggestive glance" type... i tend to look people straight in the face, or stare at my feet, depending on the weather. i'm not, as they say, particularly "well endowed." i wear clothes that cover me. i think it's strange that i used to feel insecure because i wasn't often looked at like a piece of meat. maybe deep down i wanted to be reduced to that... only Freud could probably explain it... or maybe it's that in order to feel attractive, you just have to get attention in one way or another. i think our perceptions of ourselves are a often broad shift from how the rest of the world sees us. sometimes i can pick out the feature of a pretty girl that she is self consious about and probably dwells on. a big nose. a little pooch above the waistband of her jeans. wide hips. but the overall effect still leaves her in the "pretty girl" pool. i know what my own insecurities are but i also know that no one else even really notices. stupid obsession with appearance....
posted by renee 2:03 PM
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
question number one: how many handicapped accessible public restrooms have you seen in your life?
(answer: countless thousands)
question number two: how many handicapped people have you seen using a public restroom?
(answer, for me at least: zero)
question number three: isn't it great to have a best friend? even if she is in texas?
(answer: abb-solutely)
posted by renee 10:39 PM
morning came far too soon today. funny how love=sleep deprivation
posted by renee 8:33 AM
Monday, October 21, 2002
i am attempting to resign myself to the distinct possibility that i will never have that sought after morning when i wake up and everything finally seems real. as it stands now, i spend most of my waking hours wandering around in a sort of haze, not quite sure if the things i see would be solid to the touch. heartache spread thin over distance makes the haze thicker and easier to believe in. charlie says that distance is to love like wind is to a flame. it snuffs out the small and insignificant, but only makes the strong grow stronger. maybe that's true, but it certainly isn't any fun. m, i hope your day was rewarding.
on another note, i'm going to be in italy 3 months from now. that's sort of a scary thought. i hope i can come up with the $400 i need to have for my downpayment... and i hope i have time to get to the visa office... it'll all work out in the end, i'm sure, but i feel a painful lack of information at this point. like how am i going to fit everything i need for four months into a suitcase? eh. who cares? i'm excited to burst through my comfort-bubble once again. and if i hate it, well, it will be a learning experience then, won't it?
posted by renee 9:18 PM
Sunday, October 20, 2002
ps. yes, i am "one of those front row people"
posted by renee 11:42 PM
i hope someone profits from my death. that would be the best way to get famous. die young in some tragic way and have someone write a book about you. and then, if you're lucky, someone else will make it into a movie. and somewhere thousands of miles from where you live now, people will sit and watch it in a dorm room and think "man, she was a cool girl. it's certainly a shame she died that way." but if you hadn't died, they never would have heard of you. a strange duality.... so anyway, i'm off to hurl myself from the washington bridge into the icy deep... and if you want the rights to my story, you should contact my agent.
posted by renee 11:37 PM
i don't want to change because my jacket smells like you
so i will sit here and remember what it feels like to be held
even though it eats away at my sanity
and time and space melt on
with each passing second, you are getting farther away
and my reach isn't measuring up over hundreds of miles
but i find myself reaching out anyway
through time and space, melting on
i feel halved
posted by renee 2:27 PM
Friday, October 18, 2002
i just did poorly on my midterm for women's history and i don't care at all.
posted by renee 12:17 PM
Thursday, October 17, 2002
sometimes assumptions lead to frustration. frustration leads to overreacting. overreacting leads to anger. and that leads to silence. funny how something so small can get blown out of proportion, and sometimes it is impossible to go back on it, either by tracing it to its source or by pretending it never happened. this is the common phenomenon we call being "stuck."
posted by renee 4:55 PM
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
reunion hugs are the best thing i can think of.
we wandered around tonight through scary buildings i've never been in before and i ended up leaving another "message to the masses" on a random chalkboard in the physics building. i need to do that far more often. walking in the cold is much better if you are doing it in good company. (note to self: the moon was a waxing gibbous, at due south around 9:30) also, m's mom loves me... again, i have proof in the form of cookies.
posted by renee 11:52 PM
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
i have five or six different pairs of flip flops from old navy. all different colors. one to match every outfit. but i only wear the green ones.
posted by renee 11:01 PM
i am an outstanding tae kwon do student.
posted by renee 11:21 AM
and in 36 hours, pure joy will arrive by wagon. i can hardly contain myself. meanwhile, in the big city, i eat cookies for breakfast and listen to the rude conversations of geese arguing about whether or not to head farther south this morning. 8:00 am is by far the best time to be awake.
posted by renee 8:21 AM
Monday, October 14, 2002
impossible blue the smallest step into october air
envelops me in crispness uncompared
and dappled clouds do so enchant the rays
of sunlight on these muted autumn days
they feather oh so lightly and so far
between the earth beneith me and the stars
and yet provide a covering in full
for what's behind: a blue impossible
which as a striking setting does surround
the harmonies unfolding on the ground:
red and yellow leafy boughs aflame
enticing feelings that i cannot name
the only aspect i would yet improve
would be to momentarily remove
the reason writing finds necessity
and rather have you standing here with me
posted by renee 12:22 PM
Sunday, October 13, 2002
"college provides the unique environment where people become nonconformists because of peer pressure." -nate b. from down the hall
"bad theology hurts people." -j.i.packer
"i hate studying." -r.ann k.
posted by renee 4:30 PM
Saturday, October 12, 2002
mmm.... john cage is cool. and man, do i miss singing. i shouldn't go to these music school collage concerts... they just make me miss that part of my high school experience. to be in music here would only be better. it gets old to be at a school this big. i'm getting to the point where i see people i know quite often, but i miss the tightly knit group of music people i spent time with in high school. and to see this group of 500 performers tonight reminded me of the microcosm (both numbers and talent-wise) that i had of that with my choirs and orchestra. it's not fair. "everybody knows it hurts to grow up." -b. folds
i just wanna sing loud sometimes.
posted by renee 9:25 PM
everything you say is regurgitated, recycled, unoriginal. actually, the liklihood that you've had an original thought in your head during your life so far is almost nil. i hear conversations when i'm walking around on campus sometimes that i find quite meaningless and almost base. but often, i've had exactly those same conversations myself. and heck, you know, base as they may be, they fill the silence and make you less uncomfortable. which is what matters. i heard the "i walk across the bridge ___ times a day, poor me" conversation the other day between a couple of girls on the bus. it was pretty nearly word for word from a conversation i've had a thousand times in order to fill the silence. makes me want to shut up and watch more. blab blab blab blab blab blab blab blab blab blab NOTHING
posted by renee 11:55 AM
i used to think it would be cool to be in the CIA. but then i watched this movie where these people in the CIA run around shooting people and getting shot at. and i think maybe that i wouldn't so much like getting shot at. also, i am very tired.
posted by renee 12:33 AM
the atmosphere is bursting with a billion wasted breaths.
posted by renee 10:50 PM
i rode on "jazzman" robert's bus today... he never ceases to make me happy. and that's probably where he gets his fulfillment. goodness knows he doesn't get it from driving in circles all day. anyway, i wonder if i could be happy doing that. if brightening peoples' days just by being in a good mood would be enough to keep me going. sometimes i wish i could be satisfied with something so small, yet so significant in the scheme of things. i suppose i don't have to drive a bus to try out his style of blessing people. smiles are worth much....
posted by renee 5:23 PM
Wednesday, October 09, 2002
we all want to be understood. at least, i think most of us do. that seems to be more easily accomplished by some people, either because they somehow make things simple, or because they just ARE simple. i have a hard time accepting the latter. lately i've felt painfully distant from most everyone i come in contact with on a daily basis. there's this unbridgeable gap between the core of who i am and the core of anyone else. but at the same time, it feels like most of the people around me aren't aware of the gap, and if they are, they certainly have no desire to worry their pretty little heads about it. and i may come off the same way to them, but i get this sense that i want so much more out of relationships than the people around me. and because of that, i've started withdrawing. my efforts to have anything more than fun with people have delivered only disappointment and it's turning me into a loner. i'd rather pull into myself and think about "issues" and general non-human topics than really push to know people anymore. it's just too much work with no return. i used to be relational and involved. now i've reverted to observing. it's almost like i'm some sort of intruding scientist sticking his nose into this terrarium full of only slightly interesting bugs. forget that "put away your umbrella" business. i can't think of anything to replace it, but who really needs a mantra anyway?
"In human experience, that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us, and to make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free." - A. W. Tozer
posted by renee 10:31 PM
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
hello, backward stream of conciousness....
*my mom loves me. i know this because she sends me cookies.... i shook the box i got from her today just like i used to with my brother before christmas when we were little. we had a running joke about legos, because you can easily tell what they are when you shake them, and he got some sort of set each year for most of his childhood. but i laughed at myself when i shook my package today and immediately thought "hey! legos!" it was actually mac&cheese....
*i had an impossible test today in my music class... something about how music is a simulacrum of the greater political economy and a harbinger of the changing face of society... whatever that means. anyway, as i was walking to my classroom, i muttered "impending doom" under my breath over and over again. literally. when i look back on that, i am very frightened at how odd i am... hmm... maybe we'll go with "interesting" instead. it's more flattering
*there are messes of squashed, rotting fruit all over my dorm today. who knows why? i just wonder why i pay so much money to live in this dump.
*i don't want to be one of those people that makes you feel stupid when you tell a story or make a joke about something. but i also don't want to be one of those people that doesn't ever fight back.
*i'm published. i'd give you a link, but blogger hates me. www.salsacracker.com is the place to go, if you're not too lazy to type it in yourself. i'm under poetry.
posted by renee 9:42 PM
Monday, October 07, 2002
this goes out to two of my favorite people: the boy who chews on straws and leaves their tangled remains all over his floor, and the girl who sees the world through the lens of her imaginary $3000 digital camera. i know i've been dwelling on my rain obsession lately, but heck, this is my blog and i get to write about whatever i want. anyway, i just noticed tonight how reflections of light in the rain look like they're shooting out sparks... like fireworks or a twinkling star almost. and i wished at that moment that someone else was stopping next to me to stare at the puddle and admire it. and you two belong to the chosen few who are as odd as i am about those natural beauties. m, i hope it rains when you're here. a, i hope it rains where you are and you take off your hood and stand in it for awhile. and the rest of you, my mantra has become "put away your umbrella."
posted by renee 9:27 PM
my history prof didn't show up for class today. we all just sat around for about 20 minutes waiting until someone finally decided to harrass the department about it. they said she was sick. i think it's funny (and telling) that i actually enjoyed working on the crossword puzzle for those twenty minutes and then coming home early much more then i would have liked learning about women during the civil war. in fact, i don't care about women in the civil war. i feign interest to myself so i can force my way through the readings, but really, i'd rather do my crossword. possibly i'm apathetic... but i don't care enough to do anything about it.
posted by renee 12:20 PM
Sunday, October 06, 2002
today was another one of those smack-on-the-back-of-the-head days of perspective. and i say "another one of those" with a heavy heart. when i look at my history of valley/mountaintop/plateau spirituality, i get very frustrated. because i recognize my perspective today for what it really is. only momentary. i know that i will get to the end of this next week and again feel like i haven't accomplished anything that matters, and i've exhausted myself with the effort of simply living. i want to do something big with my life. i want to be a useful instrument. i want to hear "well done, my good and faithful servant." but i look at my reality and see very little of goodness and faithfulness. intentions aside, it's only a matter of time before my desire to be useful is overcome by my desire to pass my music as discourse midterm on tuesday. that is pathetic. as am i.
posted by renee 3:08 PM
Saturday, October 05, 2002
my job is to call people in georgia and ask them about their health insurance. sometimes it is really entertaining. i called this guy today. he was 52 and called me babe. he just "got rid of" his "crackhead wife," and he now lives with his three cats, whom he lost in the tall grass outside while we were on the phone. he said he would probably find them with his lawn mower, but wasn't upset about that, because apparently, they taste like chicken. after i got off the phone with him, my friend kevin peeked around the corner of my cube and informed me that the time was 4:20. then he promptly ran out of the room for his break. i love my life.
posted by renee 5:32 PM
oh, on a ligher note, snot is funny.
posted by renee 11:10 AM
all of a sudden as "svefn-g-englar" by sigur ros swelled from my stereo speakers, the sun coming through the window behind me broke through the stifling clouds and spread kisses across my shoulders, down my arms, and onto my desk. my movie-life is getting better and better. you'd think someone was directing it or something.... well... i suppose someone is. last night was fantastic. i sat around listening to crazy music and drawing a picture of myself drawing a picture of myself. i didn't include any facial features, though, it's just an outline. i call it "self-image." not particularly original, but devastatingly meaningful and clever when it comes right down to it. i wish my artistic ability went beyond making rough sketches of tired old ideas sometimes. but alas, i am doomed to be nothing but a "smither" of words, not the bearer of the paintbrush. and i can't even knit. it's very depressing. in the 1600s when most women didn't even know how to write, i would have been completely useless. ha. some would probably argue that i still am. but writing makes me happy. fills some sort of a void. knitting just frustrates me. anyway, to the real artist who kept me up until the wee hours of the morning.... good morning.
posted by renee 11:07 AM
Friday, October 04, 2002
i forgot to write about my brief experience of true love this week. i was on the bus... was it tuesday? wednesday? i don't remember. but i innocently surveyed my surroundings as i took my seat and my eyes suddenly locked on the back of some goomba in an abercrombie t-shirt (near the ultimate turn-off) and a fat hemp necklace probably made by his hippie girlfriend. anyway, i didn't even really see his face, just a profile and the back of his neck. but that was enough. i couldn't tear my eyes away for anything. of course, he got off at my stop, behind me, and i tried so hard to end up walking slower than him so i could revel in my find a little longer, but i failed. and the whole time that i stared, i recognized how weird it was. falling in love with the back of somebody's neck... but the truth remained that all i wanted for that moment was to just stare for hours. no such luck. ha. back to real life now. maybe i'll meet him someday and find out that it really was love at first sight. but probably not.
posted by renee 6:11 PM
Thursday, October 03, 2002
when did people start buying so many things that they can't afford? you know, the american dream has slithered into my consiousness, and i can't deny having a desire for a house and a car and a family and all that jazz, but why would you spend so much money that you don't have. debt sucks. bad. i hate the economy. just one more thing that i desperately wish i didn't have to think about. doesn't it seem like we make life more complecated than it really is? we worry too much. i worry too much. maybe i should try just living instead.
posted by renee 4:53 PM
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
so maybe i entertain a bit of a flair for the dramatic.... it's the whole movie-life thing. when i'm walking by myself, there's always a soundtrack. even now, i'm sitting in my room and the camera is panning around, capturing the haunted look in my eyes, and cancer conspiricy is overdetermining the mood... really, my life isn't all that interesting. i like making things out to be much bigger (more theatrical, if you will) than they were ever meant to be. when it comes right down to it, i'm just existing most of the time. enjoying it, no doubt, but there is nothing of hollywood in my humdrum day-to-day-ness. really, i'm not contemplating the fate of humanity, i'm just effectively avoiding studying for my looming astronomy midterm. but who wants to read about that? i just think a little too much, that's all. and really, my thinking gets me nowhere in the long run. today i thought: we all talk about the weather sometimes. and its true. the scapegoat for all surface "connections" is really not far enough from any of us that we can look down on it. but what difference does it make for me to recognize the inconsistancy? i will still make stale comments on how nice it was yesterday and how i didn't expect the wind to be so biting this morning. and i will still long for others to risk more depth. so it really doesn't make a difference what i know. i still live in the world just like everyone else. i haven't transcended anything. from dust i came and to dust i shall return. but i'm quite likely to continue making a fuss about it while i can.
posted by renee 1:49 PM
i feel trapped. i can't escape all these voices in my subconcious... they won't leave me alone. walk on the right side of the sidewalk. if someone asks how you are, say fine. eat dessert last. this is how you know God [...]. read the classics and listen to the classics, and then you will be cultured. only be as honest as you have to be. get eight hours of sleep. drink your milk. never wear navy with black. you hate your job. do your best at all times to make the people around you feel comfortable. look both ways before you cross the street. listen to your mother. if people like you, you are likeable.
posted by renee 12:26 AM
